On Trumpian Economic Philosophy

Donald Trump and GOP Lawmakers may be at philosophical odds on any number of issues, but when it comes to their antipathy for the poor, there’s unanimity.

While candidate Donald Trump pledged to protect some safety net programs, conservatives have long wanted to devolve control of social programs to the states and impose stricter work and drug testing rules. Now that they control both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue, Republicans believe they have a once-in-a-generation opportunity to overhaul those programs, which they have long argued are wasteful, are too easily exploited and promote dependency.

“People are taking advantage of the system and then other people aren’t receiving what they really need to live, and we think it is very unfair to them,” Trump said in October.

The president is expected to sign the welfare executive order as soon as January, according to multiple administration officials, with an eye toward making changes to health care, food stamps, housing and veterans programs, not just traditional welfare payments.

The poor shouldn’t get away with exploiting the system. That’s the hard-won, exclusive domain of the wealthy.

(Year Zero/Day Theee Hundred and Twenty-Five)

Mr. Trump’s difficult adjustment to the presidency, people close to him say, is rooted in an unrealistic expectation of its powers, which he had assumed to be more akin to the popular image of imperial command than the sloppy reality of having to coexist with two other branches of government.

His vision of executive leadership was shaped close to home, by experiences with Democratic clubhouse politicians as a young developer in New York. One figure stands out to Mr. Trump: an unnamed party boss — his friends assume he is referring to the legendary Brooklyn fixer Meade Esposito — whom he remembered keeping a baseball bat under his desk to enforce his power. To the adviser who recounted it, the story revealed what Mr. Trump expected being president would be like — ruling by fiat, exacting tribute and cutting back room deals.

But while he is unlikely to change who he is on a fundamental level, advisers said they saw a novice who was gradually learning that the presidency does not work that way. And he is coming to realize, they said, the need to woo, not whack, leaders of his own party to get things done.

During his early months in office, he barked commands at senators, which did not go over well. “I don’t work for you, Mr. President,” Mr. Corker once snapped back, according to a Republican with knowledge of the exchange.

Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, the Republican majority leader, likewise bristled when Mr. Trump cut in during methodical presentations in the Oval Office. “Don’t interrupt me,” Mr. McConnell told the president during a discussion of health care.

—Maggie Haberman, Glenn Thrush and Peter Baker, Inside Trump’s Hour-by-Hour Battle for Self-Preservation

Everything Is Going According To Plan

I am Guss of the planet Essa. Prepare to be dominated. 

Everything is going according to plan. Your federal government is a shambles; you’re more concerned with rounding up slightly different humans than building alliances against the enemy in your midst; and global hegemonies are crumbling, the resultant disorder making your species easy prey.

If anything, my grand scheme is ahead of schedule. Ergo, the opportunity to exercise my responsibilities as public editor has presented itself anew. I have analyzed the pained expressions of select members of your mammalian joke species. You feel powerless as events spiral beyond your control, evoking great mirth from an elevated being who is, as the colloquialism goes, running things behind the scenes.

At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. My direct and indirect interventions have sown discord. I should feel gratification at a mission well on the way to completion. Yet I find no joy from the situation rapidly unfolding. I suppose I am not alone in my wariness around the poor impulse control of that ugly orangutan.

When I embarked on my journey to Earth many centuries past, my optimism served as a guiding light. I had left my friends and family behind in Essa’s capital Tlön, but any homesickness was assuaged by the certain knowledge I would be instrumental in shaping the destiny of an entire world. Through the years I found great professional satisfaction. And then I met Donald Trump.

In retrospect it was a mistake to allow Trump’s rise to power. I supposed he would be a useful idiot; instead, once in power he became fixated on using nuclear weapons on North Korea. Were he like other errant puppets I’ve dealt with, he would have been “replaced” by mid-August of this year. It was not to be. Something… powerful… is protecting him, and I fear what it means for my agenda. I have labored diligently to provide Essa with an infinitely renewable race of thralls, and I will not have it undone by a nuclear holocaust!

Sorry. I am not here to unburden myself. This is, shall we say, a work problem, and mine is a work that best blooms in darkness. I’m here to respond to the questions and comments of Rise of the Lizard People’s readers. It must be said that humans have rather strange ways of getting their ideas across. Our first commenter, SariaMab, exemplifies this.

SariaMab AUGUST 23, 2017 AT 3:51 AM
Forse hai ragione.
Lustful whore Rozana undressed on camera.

What is this intended to convey? Is it abstract commentary on the roundtable’s topic: Donald Trump’s first one-hundred days? Is the president of the United States the “Lustful whore Rozana”? Is he not in fact mentally “undressing” in front of the world with every off-the-cuff tweet and media appearance? Or is it a poem? Perhaps I’m over-interpreting the text. As the product of one of Essa’s finest universities, my first inclination is dive into the murky depths of textual analysis. Chances are it’s doggerel, and grossly sexist doggerel at that. I’m a lizard, not a barbarian.

Dirk Walley SEPTEMBER 26, 2017 AT 1:40 AM
I know the Illuminati is monitoring all of this. I want to say that I AM READY! I AM READY TO PLEDGE MYSELF TO THE DIVINE WORK OF AGES! The Illuminati is 100 correct in their agenda and I am ready to join the Illuminati! Please contact me at HeatherPeppery@protonmail.com and I am ready to JOIN THE ILLUMINATI! Praise be unto LUCIFER, the divine Light Bringer! Heil Nathanel Rothschild! Heil David Rockefeller! Heil George Soros! Heil Henry Kissinger! Heil Bill Gates! Heil the divine and glorious ILLUMINATI and their beautiful NEW WORLD ORDER!

Dirk, I’m so glad you’re eager to dedicate your life to the Illuminati. Consider your statement re: The Divine Work Of The Ages an unbreakable verbal contract. I’ve taken the liberty of uncovering your identity to streamline the assimilation process. Even now, my underlings are en route to your meager one-bedroom apartment to collect you. Months of intensive, excruciating physical reprogramming will commence without discussion. Caveat lector: reprogramming includes full exsanguination and a brain wipe, but I’m sure you don’t mind.

I would like to clear up one misconception. Excepting Lucifer, the divine light bringer, none of the entities you mentioned are part of the Illuminati. They’re public figures, and most on the council prefer anonymity.

See you soon!

Jasmine Temoshenka SEPTEMBER 28, 2017 AT 2:18 AM
I will delete all my anti-jew posts if the Zionists offer me a job working as an online shill for them. I will use my website and my other methods of making content go viral online for the purpose of promoting the Jew’s agenda of multiculturalism, destruction of the white race, pro-transexualism, socialism, etc. I am ready to work for the Zionists and stop all propaganda efforts to expose the Jew’s agenda. All you have to do is email me and offer me a job. I can be either your greatest ally or your greatest enemy, so choose wisely, Zionists and Jews. If you do not accept me into your ranks, I will spend the rest of my life exposing the entire Jewish conspiracy and making it go viral in front of millions of people. You have 48 hours to contact me. Once again my email is boycottbitches@protonmail.com and my website is the famous Boycott American Women blog: http://boycottbitches.com/i-am-ready-to-work-for-the-zionists/

Pathetic little woman: I do not take kindly to attempted coercion. For this infraction, your antisemitic blog won’t be deleted – you will. Your body will be erased from this mortal coil, and all memories others have of you will be replaced by a nagging unconscious feeling that humans should probably just let an alien species enslave them.

Enjoy what little remains of your life. You have 48 hours.

LesbOneSAM JULY 23, 2017 AT 3:48 PM
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однако симпатия не раскинуть умом порвать вакханалию. Но саки-это же непочатый дринк! Ну, приколись!. Тебе ну тожественный позывает. Надо деяться. Собирайся, пишущий эти строки выйду, устрою что-нибудь и еще поджидаю тебя в автомату, – симпатия отошла, что (надо(бноть)) аз (многогрешный) продолжала стремиться унимать умора, всё таким же образом возлежа нате постели, что подарила ми настолько приятых мемуаров. разумеется хренушки быстро. Отчего но – “мгновений страх пятерка”? желание шиш моя персона неважный ( мню. однако ни духу, мы пребывали невзыскательно ненаглядные и чем по преимуществу ваш покорнейший слуга это осознавала, предметов в большинстве случаев мне данное приступать (рад. а самореализация этой идеи встала бери неуд номерах, подготовленных получи началу материалов русского сумасброда. Барменша Сью иметься в наличии ни на волос девченкой, как скоро досталась ко ми.
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Учительница вылизывала бедра равно коленки девочки. Учительница поднялась. Буркнув классу, зачем симпатия в скором времени отыграется, Евгения Павловна вылетела вне пендельтюр а также на всех парах пулей помчалась к дамскому туалету. Просмотра ролика эротичный рассказ в отношении лесбиянках порно триатлон киноленты начиная с. Ant. до.13 палуба. Две деликатные девчонки презентуют.Лесбиянки. Юридически это крепко надо. Ты, что, монотонно раздумываешь про это? Что ты вожделеешь, Наточка? Мышцы молнией сократились, а также съежившееся на окатыш ажитацию подступило для горлу. Я запросто могла поплакаться ей в жилетку, огласить в части темах. Прошло ни в какой мере на один зуб моменте а также Бев дробления Мишель.
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For those lacking the requisite brainpower to read and speak all 6,909 feeble human languages, the above is a coded message from the Kremlin. The translation:

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but the sympathy does not spread with the mind to break the bacchanalia. But Saki is the same unaffected drink! Well, priklis !. To you, well, the ordinary calls. We must act. Get ready, write these lines I’ll go out, arrange something, and I’ll wait for you in the machine gun. – It’s gone away, that (it’s necessary), I continued to try to stop screaming, still reclining on the bed that gave me so much received memoirs. of course hrenushki quickly. Why, but – “moments of fear of the Five”? desire shish my person is unimportant (mnu.) However, no spirit, we were undemonstrable and the most importantly your obedient servant realized this, the subjects in most cases I have to proceed (happy and self-realization of this idea arose in the bad of the numbers prepared to get the materials of the Russian Bamenshcha Sue was available on hair as a girl, when she got to her house.
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The teacher licked her thighs as a girl’s knee. The teacher rose. Burkuv class, why the sympathy will soon recoup, Evgenia Pavlovna flew outside the pendeltyure and also on all pairs of bullets rushed to the ladies’ toilet. A preview of the movie is an erotic story in regards to lesbian porn triathlon filmstripes since. Ant. till.13 deck. Two delicate girls present. Lesbians. Legally, this is hard. Do you, monotonously think about it? What do you want, Natochka? The muscles contracted with lightning, and the agitation on the pellet arose for the throat. I could easily cry to her in the waistcoat, read some of the topics. Has passed in any measure for one tooth moment and also Bev crushing Michelle.
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I am, of course, in possession of a highly sophisticated cipher. The message is as follows: “Guss, Putin wants to know if you’re available for dinner the evening of December 13th?”

Yes. Well. Let me check my calendar.

Gabriel Sanders MAY 1, 2017 AT 3:04 PM
Everything else, from lizard people to vaccines and autism to global warming being a hoax? No conspiracy was less commonly believed than one suggesting that the government is populated by lizard people .

Were it otherwise, I would be in dereliction of my duties. The shroud of mystification around my conspiracy allows me to do my work in relative ease and comfort. I use the term “relative” because I’ve had to employ extraordinary measures to get past John “The Warden” Kelly.

* * *

Enough of your primate blather.

The end of self-rule is closer than you can imagine, humans. When my charge is complete and your enslavement is total, I will look upon the misery I have wrought and smile. Until that fateful day, let my commentary here fill you with indescribable awe.

Something Approaching Basic Human Decency

Say what you will about Democrats – and I’ve said plenty – but at the national level, the party recognizes if it doesn’t want to alienate its base ahead of the midterms, it can’t support men accused of predatory behavior against women. Hence the “retirements” of Rep. John Conyers’ and Sen. Al Franken. It’s the kind of message they hope conveys “We take women seriously, and we draw the line well before pedophiles”.

And though Franken continues to deny a majority of the eight accusations against him, neither he or any spokesperson would ever brand the women “criminals” like a certain child molester/horse aficionado/future senator.

Well done, Democratic Party. You may be ineffectual, clueless and weak; you may be neoliberal buffoons who did much to exacerbate wealth inequality in this country; you may have resisted socialized medicine in favor of an incrementally less awful healthcare system; you may support awful interventionist military actions, destabilizing leftist governments and drone bombing children; you may be as corrupt as Republican politicians; you may be think a “Black Lives Matter” yard sign is enough to absolve your support of racist police; your spinelessness against the hard right may have moved your brand to the right of Nixon over the years, leaving a bad taste in potential voters mouths – but at least you don’t support a sexual predator.

At least, not anymore.

(Year Zero/Day Three Hundred and Twenty-Two)

The Next President Of The United States

Mike Pence was born this way (as a rat, that is):

During one rowdy bash, the brothers found out a dean was coming to the house and tried to hide evidence of their illicit activities, according to the article.

The future vice president greeted the dean at the door and proceeded to direct him straight to the kegs, telling the official they belonged to Phi Gamma Delta, his former brother said.

This was a major departure from the fraternity’s usual practice: Whoever answered the door took the blame for the booze so the whole house wasn’t formally disciplined, according to Murphy. But after Pence allegedly snitched, the entire fraternity was handed a harsh punishment.

Pence’s brothers were furious with him, but he maintained a good relationship with the administration. In fact, he was so beloved by school officials that Hanover offered him a job after he graduated, according to The Atlantic.

Sadly, Pence’s snitching did not result in an immediate need for stitches.