Ten Fun Facts: Jeff Sessions Edition

Now that’s he’s officially been sworn in as Attorney General, let’s celebrate the former Senator from Alabama’s ascension to the highest prosecutor in the land with some fun facts!

1. Jeff Sessions has won the Gutbuster Challenge at Fat Joe’s Slop Trough for three years running.

2. Sessions is a man of the people. Well, some of the people… welllllll, one kind of people.

3. A.G. Sessions’ full name is not, as has been erroneously reported, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III. In truth, he has no real name, as he mysteriously emerged fully formed from the swamps of Alabama some 35 years ago wearing only a floor-length white robe. He was later provided a forged birth certificate by the kindly southern family who took him in and taught him how to hate.

4. The Washington Post described Sessions as the “intellectual godfather” of many of president Trump’s hard-line actions. He is also the intellectual godfather of the secret American gulag you’re going to be sent to a couple hours after reading this article.

5. Jeff Sessions is unable to pronounce the word “brasserie”. His embarrassment over this minor foible led to him developing a pronounced antipathy for the French.

6. The Honorable Attorney General has a highly developed sense of humor. Here’s an example of his stand-up comedian-quality routine: “I thought those guys [the Ku Klux Klan] were OK until I learned they smoked pot.”

7. Were she alive today, Coretta Scott King would definitely want Jeff Sessions to run the Department of Justice.

8. The new guy in charge hates all you pot-smoking hippies.

9. In 2015, then-Senator Sessions argued for a “religious test” for practicing Muslim who want to immigrate to the United States. He supposes a targeted travel ban could work as well.

10. Jeffy is allergic to Skittles. This may explain why he has such an aversion to rainbows.

(Year Zero/Day Twenty-One)

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