It’s Time We Come Clean

Had you heard about Twitter’s lawsuit against the United States government? With so much Big News in the past week, it may have been lost in the shuffle. In brief:

Twitter disclosed in a federal court filing on Thursday that it had received a summons directing it to reveal the identity or identities of those behind @ALT_USCIS, one of several so-called alt-accounts run by people purporting to be current or former federal employees. The @ALT_USCIS account, which quickly gained tens of thousands of followers, has frequently criticized the Trump administration’s immigration policies and enforcement actions.

Twitter said in its filing that it could not be compelled to disclose the identity or identities of whoever is behind the account. The company argued that the government’s directive and reasoning were unlawful, and that complying would have “a grave chilling effect” on the speech of alt-accounts that voice resistance to government policies.

Twitter withdrew its lawsuit on Friday after the government rescinded its request. This doesn’t change the material reality that the chief executive is irrationally driven to hector and punish his opponents, no matter how politically insignificant they may be.

This mean there’s a chance that Donald Trump will try to expose the identities of Rise of the Lizard People’s shadowy collective. We all discussed this and concluded it was in our best interests to out ourselves proactively, saving the federal government the trouble.

We’re all nervous, but… here goes.

Zzyzx was born Curtis Howe Springer. He divides his time between selling medicinal tonics and communicating to a public hungry for his truths. He currently resides in the Mohave desert.

Lady Fabulous is one of Lady Gaga’s backup dancers. They had their name legally changed to the symbols ☭🏀🐝🌮 several years back and they enjoy listening to people attempt to pronounce it. They can currently be found in a shack on Volcano Island.

Eclectus was one of the conspirators who arranged for the tyrannical Roman emperor Commodus to be assassinated in 192 AD. We’re not sure what he’s doing here. He should have died a long time ago.

Whiteside is the nom de guerre of Joy Mendelsohn, a Reform Rabbi based out of Chicago. In her spare time, she enjoys photography and working on her novel.

ThePiedSpicer is White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer. Fed up with the false front he was forced to adopt per the demands of his high-profile job, he approached us so he could finally say what he really thinks. He firmly believes Dippin’ Dots are not the ice cream of the future.

Servitor is a servitor.

Commissar is a Russia-based agent saboteur sent by Vladimir Putin to undermine any remaining faith the electorate has in the Democratic Party. We’ve been too afraid of him to pin down his real name because he said he’d have us all sent to Siberia if we asked again.

Phew! It feels good to get that off our collective chest. The tax dollars that would have gone into figuring out who we are can now be spent on cutting-edge munitions or lost to graft.

(Year Zero/Day Eighty)

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