In Which We Accurately Predict The Remainder Of Today’s Breaking News Headlines

“Bored and left alone for five minutes, Trump reveals existence of intergalactic alien visitors to foreign press” (The New York Times)

“Trump denies providing name and location of every American spy to Vladimir Putin” (Washington Post)

“Jesus confirms end times are nigh, that believers are idiots if they didn’t figure that out after latest American election” (Christian Science Monitor, Deseret News, L’Osservatore Romano)

“Report: Kushner Imposed ‘Breathing Fee’ On Tenants” (TIME)

“US president caught on hot mic proclaiming Prophet Mohammed can ‘suck my dick'” (Al Jazeera)

“Trump denies stealing NBA players’ talent with magic orb” (ESPN)

“Officials: Trump did not realize Saudis were actually Bond villains” (Wall Street Journal)

“Putin denies ever speaking to President Trump, even after his inauguration” (RT)

“Source: Trump plans to name Michael Flynn to FBI Director”  (Associated Press)

“Sean Spicer Breaks Down In Tears During Press Conference, Whimpers ‘I Only Asked For One Thing'” (McClatchy)

“Four ancient Egyptian jars discovered in White House, Jeff Sessions still missing” (Reuters)

“FBI Denies Witch Hunt, Confirms Wizard Hunt” (Los Angeles Times)

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Twenty-Six)

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