Your Memorial Day Weekend Sendoff

Two bits of business before you start thinking about whether you really want to pay extra for kosher hot dogs and craft beers when most of the people coming to the BBQ are your husband’s boring coworkers:

Per the Observer,

This week’s town hall event, which was broadcast to agency facilities worldwide, was therefore met with surprise and anticipation by the NSA workforce, and Rogers did not disappoint. I have spoken with several NSA officials who witnessed the director’s talk and I’m reporting their firsthand accounts, which corroborate each other, on condition of anonymity.

In his town hall talk, Rogers reportedly admitted that President Trump asked him to discredit the FBI and James Comey, which the admiral flatly refused to do. As Rogers explained, he informed the commander in chief, “I know you won’t like it, but I have to tell what I have seen”—a probable reference to specific intelligence establishing collusion between the Kremlin and Team Trump.

Rogers then added that such SIGINT exists, and it is damning. He stated, “There is no question that we [meaning NSA] have evidence of election involvement and questionable contacts with the Russians.” Although Rogers did not cite the specific intelligence he was referring to, agency officials with direct knowledge have informed me that DIRNSA was obviously referring to a series of SIGINT reports from 2016 based on intercepts of communications between known Russian intelligence officials and key members of Trump’s campaign, in which they discussed methods of damaging Hillary Clinton.

And today’s Washington Post’s cocktail hour conversation-starter alledges

Jared Kushner and Russia’s ambassador to Washington discussed the possibility of setting up a secret and secure communications channel between Trump’s transition team and the Kremlin, using Russian diplomatic facilities in an apparent move to shield their pre-inauguration discussions from monitoring, according to U.S. officials briefed on intelligence reports.

We’re at a crucial point in the Deep State war. The initial skirmishes have passed and the Intelligence Community’s methods have grown more sophisticated. Not only must they destroy the Trump administration, they realized they have to do it in a way that doesn’t arouse strong suspicion among any but the die-hard Trumpists. The thinking may now be that the president is capable of taking himself down. Let’s call it “Operation: Give Him Enough Rope”.

The endless barage of damning evidence seems to give the IC the upper hand. Some of the allegations considered fit to print, perhaps even all of them, may be true. Events have excellerated; now the stories don’t need quite the same push as they used to. Just because the chatter has been redirected doesn’t mean the dangers of a cryptocracatic takeover have abated, however.

Have a great weekend?

5 Takeaways From Montana’s Special Election

Now that the results of Montana’s special House election have been digested, here are five takeaways from Republican Greg Gianforte’s victory.

Someone is foolishly allowing Montana’s rednecks to vote. Seasoned pollsters were left scratching their heads after liberal, tolerant Montana made a sharp and unexpected veer to the far right. Weren’t there supposed to be laws against this sort of thing? What was the point of the Yokel Exclusion Act of 2002 if officials announce what day the election falls on and poll workers allow just anyone into the voting booth?

Punching people is fun and has no political consequences. When Greg attacked that Guardian reporter it was awesome! Greg was like “Take your liberal reporter nonsense back to England!” and decked the guy. Pow! Bam! Political violence not only feels great in the moment – it also gets things done.

Nazis?! Greg Gianforte should know hanging out with Nazis is bad optics, yet he continues to spend his evenings saluting Hitler and listening to Screwdriver with his skinhead friends. Now that he’s in the House of Representatives, he’ll need to be a little more discreet about his white supremacy.

The big sky above the state is its own country. Little is known about the aerial kingdom above Montana, but residents report having seen a mighty fortress in the clouds, an enormous dog, a funny-looking human face, and on one memorable occasion, a shapely female buttocks. Local legend has it that the only way to appease the powerful sky giants is to love guns and freedom often and loudly.

We don’t really know what’s going on in Montana. We could take a Greyhound and scope the place out, but it’s kind of in the middle of nowhere. We’re not actually sure where it is on a map or why it exists.

If you know what a Montana is or why it doesn’t make the good votes, email us at riseofthelizardpeope [at] If we approve of your hot take, we’ll send you an expired can of peaches and a box of matches with Bob Denver’s face on it.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Twenty-Seven)

In Which We Accurately Predict The Remainder Of Today’s Breaking News Headlines

“Bored and left alone for five minutes, Trump reveals existence of intergalactic alien visitors to foreign press” (The New York Times)

“Trump denies providing name and location of every American spy to Vladimir Putin” (Washington Post)

“Jesus confirms end times are nigh, that believers are idiots if they didn’t figure that out after latest American election” (Christian Science Monitor, Deseret News, L’Osservatore Romano)

“Report: Kushner Imposed ‘Breathing Fee’ On Tenants” (TIME)

“US president caught on hot mic proclaiming Prophet Mohammed can ‘suck my dick'” (Al Jazeera)

“Trump denies stealing NBA players’ talent with magic orb” (ESPN)

“Officials: Trump did not realize Saudis were actually Bond villains” (Wall Street Journal)

“Putin denies ever speaking to President Trump, even after his inauguration” (RT)

“Source: Trump plans to name Michael Flynn to FBI Director”  (Associated Press)

“Sean Spicer Breaks Down In Tears During Press Conference, Whimpers ‘I Only Asked For One Thing'” (McClatchy)

“Four ancient Egyptian jars discovered in White House, Jeff Sessions still missing” (Reuters)

“FBI Denies Witch Hunt, Confirms Wizard Hunt” (Los Angeles Times)

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Twenty-Six)

That CBO Score, Tho

23 million more uninsured Americans by 2026. It’s the kind of attention-grabbing projection that’s sure to provoke a fresh wave of outrage among bleeding heart liberals.

But what if those Americans don’t want to be insured? What if having to keep track of co-pay rates is super stressful? And what about those with a modicum of principle who believe that people should pay an amount commesurate to the value of a product or service?

This doesn’t even take into account individuals who actively want to die. Medical insurance would only be a unwieldy barrier to their death wish. Oblivionblockers.

Then there are others – usually traditionally macho men – who don’t even take advantage of health insurance when they have it. They wouldn’t miss it if they no longer had access to it. Medicine is for women and the effete. Whiskey is all the medicine they need.

Frankly, those who presume to speak for all the future uninsured should apologize to these invisible and oft-neglected segments of society.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Twenty-Five)

Sign Our Guestbook

In the Spring of 2013, Canadian pop star Justin Bieber made headlines when he left a memorable message in the guestbook of the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, the Netherlands.

“Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber,” Bieber wrote. The tourist site posted the message on its Facebook page.

Adolescent and teen girls obsessed with the Canadian singer are known as “beliebers.”

It was, most agreed, bad form. Bieber was subject to widespread ridicule, with a sizable faction arguing that if his takeaway from Frank’s harrowing plight was that with any luck she would have worshiped the ground he walked on, dude was narcissistic. Young Bieber seemed to learn his lesson from the backlash, and the world never had to contend with another famous, self-obsessed fool failing to grasp basic Holocaust guestbook etiquette again.

Just kidding.

President Trump’s message in a guestbook at Israel’s main Holocaust memorial and museum has drawn some ridicule for its failure to demonstrate sensitivity to the atrocities remembered at the site.

“It is a great honor to be here with all of my friends — so amazing + will never forget!” Trump wrote during his visit to Yad Vashem in Jerusalem today.

“Wow, what a great time! Who knew museums could be so fun?!” In Trump’s defense, he did not write that he hoped the collective victims of the Nazi regime would have been the Trumpian equivalent of Beliebers (I think the word is “fascists”?). On the other hand, this is far from the first time he/his administration have downplayed, misremembered, or otherwise displayed an appalling tactlessness regarding the Holocaust.

In the spirit of entertainment journalism, we have to ask: Who did it better – Justin Bieber or the president?

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Twenty-Four)