Rise Of The Public Editor

I am Guss of the planet Essa. Prepare to be dominated. 

It is my firm conviction that a public editor is a necessary corrective for any publication that desires to make a good-faith effort to hold itself accountable to the public. The New York Times recently invited criticism by doing away with the position altogether; as many and more have argued, this was a grave misstep.

It was with this awareness the sober-minded editor-in-chief of Rise of the Lizard People reached out to me. How this was accomplished, I know not. No emails were sent or phone calls placed. As is the accustomed method of communication amongst my race, the knowledge of what I needed to do arrived fully formed in my head. This is considerably curious. Any human possessing the knowledge to accomplish this feat would need to be an initiate in the secret mysteries, and my people do not disseminate our rites and practices promiscuously. I shall say no more here. The fact is I’m the public editor and I intend to perform the function with aplomb.

As an independent but by no means disinterested third party, I now turn to how Rise Of The Lizard People has behaved since it’s inception. On the subject of lizard people and our planned subjugation of all sentient life on Earth via deep infiltration, the writers have said little, and what has been written is elliptical. This is much to our liking – our machinations took millennia to perfect, and we’d be cross if they were disrupted by a cabal of hairy mammal activists.

Thematically, they’re substantively interested in combating fascism/authoritarianism and have a grim gallows humor about their country’s slide in that direction. At best, the prose they employ is arch, at worst, it is snide. Their sarcasm does a great disservice to humans who seek unvarnished information about the true nature of all things, though their newfound turn towards serious journalism (see: their exclusive but mysteriously overlooked leaked Witchfinder Mueller memo) shows promise.

Being a busy lizard-man, the frequency of my critiques will be limited by how often I can pull myself away from the humdrum business of heading the Illuminati, directing the actions of my politically influential shapeshifters across your unimpressive globe, and determining whether your president can be relied upon to advance our agenda or if he’ll have to be “replaced”.

But before I return to these endeavors,  I will address a select number of questions the public posed to their search engines, the results of which prompted them to visit Rise of the Lizard People.

“mike pence lizard”
“mike pence knows the antichrist”
Mike Pence has the distinctive warmth and charm of my species, but whatever else he is, he appears to be one of you upjumped apes. As for his relationship with the Antichrist? It is impossible. The Antichrist is a figure born of Christian legend, and none of your religions are true. Q.E.D. there is no Antichrist.

“what is ‘the lizard’ in the intelligence community?

“is our entire supreme court comprised of lizard people?”
We Essans have installed ourselves in every government, major corporation and boy scout troop on the planet. As you may have inferred, we do not replace leadership wholesale because often humans can be swayed to bring about their ultimate destruction with little effort on our part. So it is with the Supreme Court of the United States. Of their number, only Justice Anthony Kennedy has blood the emerald green of Essa’s enchanting Lake N’thala.

The end of self-rule is closer than you can imagine, humans. When my charge is complete and your enslavement is total, I will look upon the misery I have wrought and smile. Until then, my commentary here should suffice as an amusing diversion.

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