Ten Fun Facts: Sheriff David Clarke Edition

You’ve seen him stump for Trump and dutifully serve as the GOP’s go-to guy for attacking Black Lives Matter, but how much do you really know about Sheriff David Clarke?

1. David Clarke has accepted a job as deputy secretary at the Department of Homeland Security. Due to the unpresidented opposition against the Swampdrainer-in-Chief, he’s been warned the process may drag out a bit. He can wait. He knows what’s at stake.

2. Wow. As soon as word got out about the job offer, his enemies started trying to suicide-bomb his public image. The low-down dirty rotten scoundrels are claiming Dave plagiarized his Masters Thesis. It’s an odious lie, of course. If the haters think they can terrorize his big opportunity without consequence, they’re wrong. They’re probably in league with actual terrorists. ISIS is behind this, he just knows it.

3. While the complicit liberal press is aiding those Allah-obsessed fruitcakes, he’s still Sheriff of Milwaukie County, Wisonsin. Pretty cool, right? Not just anyone gets to be sheriff. He likes to think he does a swell job of laying down the law, but all the enemies of freedom want to talk about…

4. …is that dead baby. You let one baby die under your protection and suddenly you’re the bad guy. No one every brings up all the jail babies that lived through the night!

5. As far as Dave is concerned, jihadist thugs are grasping at straws now. It’s a feeble gesture, shellacking him over his consent decree violations. Is 16,662 a lot? He doesn’t think so.

6. The Sheriff Supreme has an elegant plan for our shining city on a hill. It’s breathtaking in its scope and its purity of purpose. No longer will the enemies in our midst pollute the minds of good Christian folk. They will be dealt with in a manner befitting their high treason.

It is not surprising that Clarke rejects out of hand any criticism of police misconduct. But his disdain for criminal-justice reform is not merely avocational. Clarke’s mind is organized around a worship of the virtues of physical force, combined with a seething intolerance for democratic dissent. In his book, Clarke proposes that the Department of Homeland Security — the department that he has been nominated to serve — assume police-state powers to round up internal enemies. “I suggest that our commander in chief ought to utilize Article I, Section 9 and take all of these individuals that are suspected, these ones on the internet spewing jihadi rhetoric … to scoop them up, charge them with treason and, under habeas corpus, detain them indefinitely at Gitmo,” he writes. Clarke estimates that the number of people to be rounded up in such fashion runs into “hundreds of thousands,” or “maybe a million.” Clarke is clear in his belief that the legal principles that have served as a bedrock against state abuse for centuries should be discarded. He would “hold them indefinitely under a suspension of habeas corpus” because “[b]old and aggressive action is needed.”

It is important to understand that these policies, even as extreme as they are, cannot be understood even merely as a radical extension of anti-terror policies, or misplaced fear of the terrorist threat. Clarke’s understanding of domestic terrorism runs far beyond radical jihadists. He has predicted that Black Lives Matter will “join forces with ISIS,” and on multiple occasions described the group as a terror organization. The protesters do not “care about black lives. They care about their own radical ideology of terrorism: anarchy.” Clarke insists Black Lives Matter “needs to be crushed.”

7. What’s taking so long? Dave has stood firm against the onslaught of savages who want to make America part of the global caliphate, but it would nice if he could pencil in the start date of his DHS gig on his calendar.

8. If Clarke allows himself one weakness, it’s his love of decorative medals. He likes to look good. It’s not like that’s a crime.

9. Dave’s getting testy. He thought this was a done deal! Unless you want to get punched, now’s not a good time to bring bring up that time he lost a staring contest. The sheriff doesn’t like to be reminded of his losses. He’s a winner! He was just tired that day, is all.

10. And speaking of tired, Clarke is tired of waiting around for approval from the Feds. He’s not taking the job with the Department of Homeland Security after all. It would have been an interesting experience but he’s needed in Wisconsin.  He can fight all those Black Lives ISIS terrorists without all the bureaucratic red tape in the Badger State. Your loss, Washington. Good luck trying to turn this great country into a full-blown police state without him.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Fifty)

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