You’ve heard her coin tortured terms of phrase in defense of the indefensible on cable news shows, but how much do you know about Kellyanne Conway? How much do you really want to know about her life?
1. Kellyanne “loves” to “use” air “quotes” to “make” a “point”. It’s “definitely” not “super” “irritating”. She “knows” it “is” a “problem” but she “can’t” “stop”.
2. Some feminists have suggested Kellyanne should feel uncomfortable in a work environment with so few women. Far from it. She’s not like those other females who spend all their time hating men and reading stories about abortion on Jezebel. She’s cool! She laughs at fart jokes! She’s one of the guys!
3. Mrs. Conway’s husband George III was under consideration for a job at the Department of Justice until he withdrew his name. Then he went and mocked Trump’s travel ban on Twitter! You can bet she’s heard an earful from Boss Don. She wishes the men in her life would get along.
4. Can you spot which of these statements isn’t attributable to Conway?
a. “I like the fact that the president uses social media platforms to connect directly with Americans and in this case, what Sarah Sanders said yesterday is true, that the president normally does not draw first blood. He is a counterpuncher as he said on the campaign trail. There are personal attacks about his physicalities, about his fitness for office. He’s called a goon, thug, mentally ill, talking about dementia, armchair psychologists all over television every day. It doesn’t help the American people to have a president covered in this light. I’m sorry. It’s neither productive nor patriotic. The toxicity is over the top.”
b. “I bet it’s brand new information to people that President Obama had a six-month ban on the Iraqi refugee program after two Iraqis came here to this country, were radicalised and they were the masterminds behind the Bowling Green massacre. Most people don’t know that because it didn’t get covered.”
c. “Medicaid is intended for the poor, the needy, and the sick. And what it has done is, under Obamacare, it has expanded the Medicaid pool of people who, quote, qualified beyond that. So if you have an able-bodied American who again is not poor, sick, needy — we’re not talking about the elderly who benefit, the children, the pregnant women, the disabled — if you’re able-bodied and you would like to go find employment and have employer-sponsored benefits, then you should be able to do that, and maybe you belong, as Secretary Price has made clear, in other places.”
d. “You’re saying it’s a falsehood. And they’re giving — Sean Spicer, our press secretary — gave alternative facts.”
Whatever you guessed is incorrect. They’re all Conway’s, and she’s damned proud of the work she’s doing.
5. While she wasn’t 100% sold on the Donald when she started working for him, she’s come to appreciate how much of a man’s man he is. She’d do anything for her president. Lie, cheat, steal, forge documents, murder… Ooo! Can she commit a murder? She bets if she asks nicely he’ll let her ice one of those traitorous media buffoons. Working at the White House has its perks.
6. At the same time, Kellyanne likes to think she and her friends are performing a public service by subtly pushing the president to create controversy. Sometimes she has to remind him to watch cable news. Before long, wouldn’t you know it, the media is all over his tweets while completely forgetting what the GOP’s agenda really is. Congress has to know what her team is up to. That’s why they never do anything about it.
7. Don and Steve Bannon are talking about how to implement martial law in case of a large terrorist attack on American soil. The conversation is soooo boring. She excuses herself from the meeting so she can get some real work done.
8. Before she leaves for the night, Kellyanne Conway stops by Sean Spicer’s office. Sean is interviewing a potential replacement press secretary on Skype, but he waves for her to have a seat.
“I like the benefits package,” the interviewee is saying, “but I hear the White House is a hostile work environment. I’m not sure I want to jump into that hot mess.”
“Oh no,” Sean grins assuagingly. “You don’t believe all that fake news, do you?”
Just then, Steve Bannon pops in. “Hey, you weepy little fatso!” Bannon bellows. “If you’ve touched my talking points I’m going to ream you with a fish hook so hard you’ll never be able to shit right again!”
Sean just stares at Steve, mouth agape. When he looks back at his laptop, the Skype call has ended.
9. Kellyanne promises to take Sean out for ice cream the next day to get him to stop crying. “Okay, but it had better be REAL ice cream!” he blubbers.
10. Questions about truth and morality threaten to keep her up at night, especially when George is snoring. Tonight’s crisis of conscience is averted when she remembers a lewd joke about female genitalia the president told her when he was sure no recording devices were around. Trump is so outrageous! Bemused, Kellyanne rests her head back on her pillow, and in a matter of moments is snoring right along with her husband.
(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Sixty-Two)