EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Private Message From The President To Special Councel Mueller

Surreptitiously leaked to Rise Of The Lizard People this morning by our own version of Deep Throat, the following is a private message sent to Special Counsel Robert Mueller by the Office of the President of the United States following the indictments of Paul Manafort, Rick Gates and George Papadopoulos. We’ve confirmed its veracity through the usual method of haruspicy, and can now confidently enter its unabridged contents into the public record.

To Special Investigator Robert Mueller
From The Office of the President
October 30, 2017

Re: Wiping the floor with you

Ty Cobb begged me to stop sending you these little letters once their existence became public, but you know what? Fuck him. And more importantly, fuck you, Bob.

I’m going to stick my boot so far up your ass you’ll need a colostomy bag for the rest of your life. You think the law is on your side? The president is above the law.

No one cares about your investigation. It’s tired. It’s played out. My fans have about as much interest in it as they have in my tax returns. The only “conspiracy against the United States” is the one you’re in with Crooked Hillary.

Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to wind down your investigation. You’ve got nothing on me. Nothing worth taking a long swim in the Atlantic with specially fitted shoes. Or maybe you’d like a tour of rural Kentucky? I know some very fine people who told me about a very isolated place they use for target practice.

You’ll leave the two things I care about most in this world alone: my money and me. Oh, and my family. Make that three things.

But I’m just joking. I’m a funny guy. Ha ha! See? I’m laughing. Because I’m not afraid to fire you. It’s what I’m know for. How would you like to be charged with a little conspiracy of your own? Are you really willing to risk your reputation over this?

Look, I’m not a bad guy. Maybe I’ll go easy on you if you quit now and join a certain exclusive Florida resort. Your choice, Bob. Think on it.

P.S. Good luck finding the orb, asshole.

Dictated but not read,

Donald J. Trump
45th President of the United States and owner of Mar a Lago Resort

(Year Zero/Day Two Hundred and Eighty-Four)

Fun Fact!

55% of white Americans believe they too face discrimination. I say “believe they too face” and not “experience the devastating systematic effects of” discrimination because only 19% say they’ve actually been discrimated against, and those who are under the impression they’ve suffered under its oppressive yolk tend to mutter things like

“If you apply for a job, they seem to give the blacks the first crack at it,” said 68-year-old Tim Hershman of Akron, Ohio, “and, basically, you know, if you want any help from the government, if you’re white, you don’t get it. If you’re black, you get it.”

Sure, Tim, it’s because the workforce hates white people, not because companies don’t typically hire 68-year-olds unless they’re CEOs. But we certainly wouldn’t want to blame this on how shitty capitalism is, would we? No, it’s the Other, always the Other, stealing Tim’s imaginary jobs. Theoretically. Because he just kind of feels that’s what’s going on.

Consider Who They Are

Consider the appearance of the military families Donald Trump is willing to spar with in public.

Consider what makes an acceptable target. For a man that otherwise has a perverse veneration for military culture and militarism, what differences allow the man who is somehow our president to so crassly attack people overcome by grief? And why, when people with even a shred of decency object to his abhorrent treatment of the grief-stricken, does he double down? If everything else people have said has been mere screaming into the void, remember what Charlottesville laid bare.

(Year Zero/Day Two Hundred and Seventy-Seven)