Paul Ryan And The Power Of Prayer

The saintly and muscular Paul Ryan is being publicly castigated for comments he made about the latest in a long line of double and triple digit gun massacres.

“It’s disappointing. It’s sad, and this is what you’ll get from the far secular left. People who do not have faith, don’t understand faith, I guess I’d have to say,” Ryan told Fox News’s Laura Ingraham on “The Ingraham Angle” when asked about the criticism.

“And it is the right thing to do, is to pray in moments like this because you know what? Prayer works.”

The vitriol directed at Speaker Ryan isn’t only meanspirited, it’s just plain wrong. Prayer works, whatever the secular left would like to think.

Allow me to explain.

After every mass shooting committed in the United States (so, every night), I offer this prayer to the almighty Jehovah:

God, hear my prayer. Please protect the second amendment from the camulnious demon Gun Control. Continue to ensure the CDC does not produce research on this devil, lest it corrupt innocent Americans beyond all saving.

Fill the hearts of Republican politicians with your benovolent light, so that they may continue to be steeled against the temptation to learn anything from Sandy Hook, Orlando and Las Vegas, or take any action that would prevent victims of mass shootings from being sent to heaven at the predestined time and place. Shield your righteous servant Wayne LaPierre from ironically being shot to death by a deranged, abusive white man. Please keep gun purchase loopholes open, red flags ignored, and NRA donations flowing.

Oh Father, hear my prayer and maintain America’s status quo. Amen.

Not even the most militant atheist can deny my prayer has been resoundingly answered.

(Year Zero/Day Two Hundred and Ninety-Two)