See What America Searched For In 2017

Through its “Year in Search 2017”, Google Trends positions itself as the finger on the beating pulse of the interests of our country’s internet users. And while they have the data, their data consists only of the words people physically typed out.

That’s where Rise of the Lizard People comes in. Using a method known only to ourselves that we won’t bother to explain, we’ve gathered the top feelings and thoughts driving frantic Google searches of two-thirds of Americans as the year went sideways and rolled off a cliff.

Searches

1. Oh god we’re all going to die aren’t we?

2. I’ll probably be paying for porn again now that the Internet is no longer free.

3. Are there any male public figures who *aren’t* complete scumbags?

4. That’s a lot of hurricanes.

5. Oh good, another horrible mass shooting. This seems fine.

People

1. Are we sure this puffy cheeto is actually in charge?

2. Paul Ryan has a smirk that needs to be wiped off his stupid face.

3. I’d forgotten all about Aaron Hernandez.

4. Poor Melania. But then, she did marry him, didn’t she?

5. Mile Ye-uh… hmm. Milo Yoknowpolice… hmm. There we go. Thanks, Google’s auto-populate feature!

News

1. Nazis. Actual Nazis. And the president appears to be okay with this.

2. You’d have to be an idiot to go blind staring at the solar eclipse. I’m just going to double check what not to do so I’m not one of those idiots.

3. Bitcoin will make me obscenely rich, I just know it…

4. Remember when social media used to be fun?

5. This will be the last upsetting article I read before I go to sleep, I swear.

How to…

1. Become wealthy so net neutrality’s repeal doesn’t affect me.

2. Get rich so I’m not on the wrong side of tax reform.

3. Make so much money I can afford health care in America.

4. Seek refugee status in Canada.

5. Stock a bunker with enough supplies to last me the next 3 – 7 years.

What is…

1. That feeling where you want to scream but if you start then you’ll never stop screaming?

2. A spinning fidget?

3. The point of being the richest nation in the world if we’re working so hard to deny the poor housing and medicine?

4. Anti-fun? Oh, wait, no, it’s “Antifa”. Are you sure it’s pronounced like that?

5. The year where Baby Boomers will be too old to hold political office?

(Year Zero/Day Three Hundred and Thirty-Four)

Another Victory For Moneyed Interests

Ajit Pai assures us there’s nothing to be worried about by today’s first step towards dismantling Obama-era Net Neutrality rules. He should know – he’s chairman of the Federal Communications Commission and does a pretty mean Harlem Shake!

A bipartisan majority of Americans (83%) are less sanguine. There’s ample reason to suspect newly emboldened telecom companies will institute tiered internet service, disproportionately impacting low-income earners and those living in rural areas. I’ll explain why for a one-time fee of $3.99.

(Year Zero/Day Three Hundred and Twenty-Seven)

Moore’s The Pity

That I didn’t get to use that pun in a post bemoaning Alabama’s election of a man you wouldn’t trust to coach high school girls volleyball.

But I don’t mind being overly pessimistic at times, because once the worst case scenario is dispatched, whatever remains isn’t as bad.

Congratulations, Alabama. You didn’t  elect a known sexual predator. Just barely.

(Year Zero/Day Three Hundred and Twenty-Six)

I Think We All Know How This Ends

Today, Alabamans go to the polls for the special election to fill Jeff Sessions’ Senate seat. They deserve our sympathy; they’re shackled to either establishment Democrat Doug Jones or Roy Moore, a man who has been accused of serial child molestation.

It’s a tough choice for voters. On the one hand, Roy Moore wants to turn America into a theocracy, holds strong homophobic, nativist and xenophobic views, and thinks returning our country to the slavery system would “solve a lot of problems”. On the other hand, Moore was banned from a shopping mall for trying to pick up teenage girls.

Moore’s a cynical predator whose refusal to step down earned an endorsement from the president and renewed RNC funding, but no one will accuse him of being a liberal.

Welcome to the Senate, Judge Moore.

(Year Zero/Day Three Hundred and Twenty-Six)