Meet Stephen Miller, The Literal Demon Who Feasts On Human Suffering

If you’re a longtime Rise of the Lizard People reader, you’ve memorized last year’s Ten Fun Facts about Stephen Miller, translated our article in Italian, staged a three-hour opera based on that article that casts Miller as a Scarpia-esque villain, and are currently enjoying limited success on a tour through Poland.

But for those of you who aren’t lamenting your over-extended ambition as you weep into your Żywiec in a dimly-lit public house, news about Steve’s role in shaping the execrable policy that separated asylum-seeking families and caged children may be your first introduction to Miller. While the policy in question has been done away with (for now [sort of {not really?}]), getting to know more about the president’s Senior Adviser behooves us all. Thanks to the renewed media focus on him, certain new facts have come to light.

Stephen Miller is a literal demon who feasts on human suffering. Miller welcomed the public outrage to the administration’s inhumane, immoral “zero-tolerance” policy. Not only that, but it sustains him.

White House senior policy adviser Stephen Miller has all but become the face of the issue, a development that even supporters of Trump’s “zero-tolerance” position say is damaging the White House. “Stephen actually enjoys seeing those pictures at the border,” an outside White House adviser said. “He’s a twisted guy, the way he was raised and picked on. There’s always been a way he’s gone about this. He’s Waffen-SS.”

He’s an immigrant. Little is publicly known about his origins, but a reliable source informs us that the Miller clan first stepped hoof in our dimension 1,500 years ago during the Conjunction of the Spheres. Who knew someone with such a virulent dislike of outsiders wouldn’t originally be from “around here” himself?!

He needs to be stopped before he can strike again. While calling him a fascist at a Mexican restaurant may DESTROY him in the clickbatey headline sense, in every other sense he’ll be extremely alive. He is a predator by nature, and unless a brave soul steps in to slay him, he will continue to terrorize the countryside.

He can be slain with a silver sword. Simply possessing a silver sword will not be enough; only one who has been trained to fight monsters can reasonably be expected to take on – and dispatch – the beast.

You’ll need to send for a specialist. A Hexer from the School of the Wolf was recently spotted taking down a drowner in the swamplands outside the capital. For one hundred Nilfgaardian florens, this professional will gladly accept your contract and rid the world of the infernal menace.