The Next President Of The United States

Mike Pence was born this way (as a rat, that is):

During one rowdy bash, the brothers found out a dean was coming to the house and tried to hide evidence of their illicit activities, according to the article.

The future vice president greeted the dean at the door and proceeded to direct him straight to the kegs, telling the official they belonged to Phi Gamma Delta, his former brother said.

This was a major departure from the fraternity’s usual practice: Whoever answered the door took the blame for the booze so the whole house wasn’t formally disciplined, according to Murphy. But after Pence allegedly snitched, the entire fraternity was handed a harsh punishment.

Pence’s brothers were furious with him, but he maintained a good relationship with the administration. In fact, he was so beloved by school officials that Hanover offered him a job after he graduated, according to The Atlantic.

Sadly, Pence’s snitching did not result in an immediate need for stitches.

Yes, But

North Korea has an ICBM capable of hitting anywhere in the United States, but at least the Senate is close to passing tax reform.

Donald Trump is losing what little of his mind he had left, but the mega-rich will feel like kids on Christmas once the mad king signs the bill.

The world is burning and the fire brigade is passed out drunk, but the global elite can afford to privately fund their own fire department.

 

Fun Fact!

55% of white Americans believe they too face discrimination. I say “believe they too face” and not “experience the devastating systematic effects of” discrimination because only 19% say they’ve actually been discrimated against, and those who are under the impression they’ve suffered under its oppressive yolk tend to mutter things like

“If you apply for a job, they seem to give the blacks the first crack at it,” said 68-year-old Tim Hershman of Akron, Ohio, “and, basically, you know, if you want any help from the government, if you’re white, you don’t get it. If you’re black, you get it.”

Sure, Tim, it’s because the workforce hates white people, not because companies don’t typically hire 68-year-olds unless they’re CEOs. But we certainly wouldn’t want to blame this on how shitty capitalism is, would we? No, it’s the Other, always the Other, stealing Tim’s imaginary jobs. Theoretically. Because he just kind of feels that’s what’s going on.

Sick, Sad World

It’s been said that if the 20 children who died at Sandy Hook didn’t move Republicans in Congress to pass a single gun control law, nothing could. The National Rifle Association and their gun-hugging constituents just won’t budge on the issue.

But that’s not quite true.

After a lone gunman killed 59 county music fans and wounded another 500 in Las Vegas, the NRA notably maintained radio silence on the latest float in a grotesque parade of American gun massacres. Until, to the surprise of all (perhaps none more than the organization itself),

The National Rifle Association on Thursday endorsed tighter restrictions on devices that allow a rifle to fire bullets as fast as a machine gun — a rare, if small, step for a group that for years has vehemently opposed any new gun controls.

Twelve of the rifles the Las Vegas gunman, Stephen Paddock, had in a high-rise hotel suite when he opened fire on a crowd on Sunday were outfitted with “bump stocks,” devices that allow a semiautomatic rifle to fire hundreds of rounds per minute, which may explain how he was able to shoot so quickly, killing 58 people and wounding hundreds of others. The federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives has ruled that bump stocks do not violate laws that tightly limit ownership of machine guns, and some lawmakers have called for them to be banned.

The bureau should revisit the issue and “immediately review whether these devices comply with federal law,” the N.R.A. said in a statement released Thursday. “The N.R.A. believes that devices designed to allow semiautomatic rifles to function like fully-automatic rifles should be subject to additional regulations.”

So what’s the difference between Sandy Hook and Las Vegas? What makes dead kids an acceptable loss to Wayne LaPierre, but gunning down the country folk so shocking that at least the gesture of making marginal change has to be performed?

Children don’t buy guns.

Lock Them Up

Using non-government email addresses for government business is a REALLY BIG DEAL. All perpetrators of this odious crime should be locked up, and the keys to those locks should be thrown into a volcano.

Someone like the Democratic Party’s 2016 presidential candidate — whatshername — deserves such a fate. During the campaign we were endlessly reminded she was “crooked” because “emails”. EMAILS! Emails are bad. The people who use them improperly can’t be allowed into government.

But wait! Steve Bannon did the crooked emails! So did Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump. If even steadfast Ivanka can be seduced by the naughty emails, the issue has reached epidemic proportions. There is only one solution that comes to mind. It’s tough love, but a crime’s a crime.

Lock them up.