Posts by Zzyzx

I am a normative human being with standard coloration option #5 and chromosome-assigned sexual features.

Happy Loyalty Day!

How are you celebrating Loyalty Day?

This longstanding holiday (first established AM 5777 on the Hebrew Calendar or 1438 AH by the Islamic Calendar’s reckoning) is second only to the Fourth of July in terms of days so goddamn patriotic that they make red-blooded American eagles cry tears of pride.

I, for one, will honor the selfless sacrifices of TROOPS by re-swearing my loyalty oath to America’s strongest, smartest, handsomest, most winningiest leader in this or any other year, Donald J. Trump.

Next, I’ll gather up all the neighborhood children whose parents haven’t taken out restraining orders against me and let them shoot my semi-automatic rifles. The best marksmen will be awarded Junior NRA badges.

The kiddos will swear loyalty oaths to God Emperor Trump with the promise of cookies to follow.

No Loyalty Day is complete without a brief but spirited confrontation with the un-American black-clad scum that celebrates May Day. My preferred method is go downtown, thwack commies in the head with a flag pole and hoof it before I can be arrested.

Finally, my friends and I will gather at the traditional alter in my backyard to recite the pledge of allegiance to pictures of Benevolent Leader Donald, Papa Joe McCarthy and Supreme Gunsmith Wayne LaPierre.

We’ll spend the rest of the evening barbecueing, guzzling domestic beers and singing songs of freedom. It’s days like this that fill me with a sense of accomplishment for being born within the borders of the U.S. of A.

Do you celebrate Loyalty Day in a slightly different but still indescribably patriotic way? Let us know! Share your Loyalty Day tips and recipes in the comments!

I: If It’s Broke, Don’t Fix It

It’s nearly impossible to hold onto perspective.

Donald Trump — the painfully sub-sub-par, hate-filled, resentful cretin who has the uncanny ability to make one month feel like a thousand days — has coated perspective in a obscenely thick layer of Crisco. The harder we try to grasp it, the more likely it is to jet out of our hands.

Our institutions have failed us, and we in turn have failed ourselves.

One supposes that the full trappings of power can make a thing sound reasonable, that if something unpalatable is rolled out in stages, the citizenry takes that time to accept the revised status quo. And if one supposes that, they suppose right.

Let’s not lionize ourselves here – we’ve allowed it to happen. We’ve accepted revisions the status quo, told ourselves that’s how things are now.

The prevailing narrative about resistance has been so much wind. Non-violent protest, bereft of the menace of force, is reliant on symbolism to do its heavy lifting. Here we are, it says. Here is a mass of our bodies, united in purpose. We who deviate are not alone. But what happens when the immediacy of the shock fades, when the threatened uprising fails to substantially materialize?

By degrees, we adjust to the new reality. We don’t like it, but we object to it the same way we object to payroll taxes and traffic. The window of possibility contracts, and we turn our focus from the heart of the problem to its outer edges. We strategize on how to make an unpleasant situation more bearable.

The resistance has become the acceptance.

Government Brownouts

For most of Barack Obama’s second term, referencing the “government shutdown” would present no difficulties of listener comprehension. It was a one-time closure of the everyday functioning of the federal government triggered by intransigent Republicans for spurious philosophical reasons. It was, in fact, The Shutdown, deserving of its definite article.

Shutdowns in the Trump era are destined to be multitudinous. They are in their brevity less like a full power outage and more like a brownout. A light flickers as Rand Paul takes a “principled moral stand” before service resumes, then our shambolic government lurches forward.

As Whiteside put it, we’re just glad Rand’s found a hobby.

See What America Searched For In 2017

Through its “Year in Search 2017”, Google Trends positions itself as the finger on the beating pulse of the interests of our country’s internet users. And while they have the data, their data consists only of the words people physically typed out.

That’s where Rise of the Lizard People comes in. Using a method known only to ourselves that we won’t bother to explain, we’ve gathered the top feelings and thoughts driving frantic Google searches of two-thirds of Americans as the year went sideways and rolled off a cliff.

Searches

1. Oh god we’re all going to die aren’t we?

2. I’ll probably be paying for porn again now that the Internet is no longer free.

3. Are there any male public figures who *aren’t* complete scumbags?

4. That’s a lot of hurricanes.

5. Oh good, another horrible mass shooting. This seems fine.

People

1. Are we sure this puffy cheeto is actually in charge?

2. Paul Ryan has a smirk that needs to be wiped off his stupid face.

3. I’d forgotten all about Aaron Hernandez.

4. Poor Melania. But then, she did marry him, didn’t she?

5. Mile Ye-uh… hmm. Milo Yoknowpolice… hmm. There we go. Thanks, Google’s auto-populate feature!

News

1. Nazis. Actual Nazis. And the president appears to be okay with this.

2. You’d have to be an idiot to go blind staring at the solar eclipse. I’m just going to double check what not to do so I’m not one of those idiots.

3. Bitcoin will make me obscenely rich, I just know it…

4. Remember when social media used to be fun?

5. This will be the last upsetting article I read before I go to sleep, I swear.

How to…

1. Become wealthy so net neutrality’s repeal doesn’t affect me.

2. Get rich so I’m not on the wrong side of tax reform.

3. Make so much money I can afford health care in America.

4. Seek refugee status in Canada.

5. Stock a bunker with enough supplies to last me the next 3 – 7 years.

What is…

1. That feeling where you want to scream but if you start then you’ll never stop screaming?

2. A spinning fidget?

3. The point of being the richest nation in the world if we’re working so hard to deny the poor housing and medicine?

4. Anti-fun? Oh, wait, no, it’s “Antifa”. Are you sure it’s pronounced like that?

5. The year where Baby Boomers will be too old to hold political office?

(Year Zero/Day Three Hundred and Thirty-Four)