Posts by Zzyzx

I am a normative human being with standard coloration option #5 and chromosome-assigned sexual features.

So You’re A Republican Congressman Who Planned On Using The Debt Ceiling As Political Leverage

Rough day, buddy. Rough day.

Wednesday started out so promising. After your perfunctory daily blood sacrifice to Mammon, you attended a pancake prayer breakfast with your turtle friend Mitch and a dozen of his closest colleagues. “We’ve got a tough road ahead of us this September,” he intoned, jowls all aquiver, “But by gum, I’ve lubricated tax reform with our debt ceiling threat. We’ll be able to slide it through Congress to the president’s desk before month’s end.”

What callow youths you were this morning.

Apropos of nothing, the tangerine tyrant who roosts in your party like an obligate brood parasite smacked your best laid schemes upside the head.

President Trump, a man of few allegiances who seized control of the Republican Party in a hostile takeover, suddenly aligned himself with Democrats Wednesday on a series of key fiscal issues — and even gave a lift to North Dakota’s embattled Democratic U.S. senator.

Trump confounded his own party’s leaders when he cut a deal with Democratic congressional leaders — “Chuck and Nancy,” as the president informally referred to them — on a short-term plan to fund the government and raise its borrowing limit this month.

Trump’s surprise stance upended sensitive negotiations over the debt ceiling and other crucial policy areas this fall and further imperiled his already tenuous relationships with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) and House Speaker Paul D. Ryan (R-Wis.).

The episode is the latest turn in Trump’s extraordinary separation from his own party, as he distances himself to deflect blame for what has been a year of gridlock and missed opportunities for Republicans on Capitol Hill. It follows a summer of presidential stewing over McConnell and Ryan, both of whom Trump views as insufficiently loyal and weak in executing his agenda, according to his advisers.

After all you’ve done for the man, this is how he repays you and your party. After. All. You’ve. Done. You swallowed every pang of conscience, silenced every klaxon, stopped up your ears with candle wax so your party could take total control of Washington. You looked the other way when he groped other men’s mothers and daughters. You put up with his inane, embarrassing, counter-democratic blather on Twitter. You feebly defended his obstructions of justice. You turned off your brain and bowed so low your nose scraped the ground to get your way. For nothing. This cuckoo has offered only searing disappointment. And now he collaborates with the enemy?!

You realize you’ve grit your teeth so hard you’ve cracked a tooth. You wonder — and as you wonder, you know you’re not the only Republican congressman to be wondering this — has the time come for a 46th President of the United States? What do you need to do to get there? You hope Mike’s up for the job.

(Year Zero/Day Two Hundred and Thirty)

Zombie Zombie Trumpcare

He’s still at it. Undeterred by crashing his head into a brick wall, the concussed fool staggers, wipes his bloody face with a sleeve and affixes his gaze on his target again. Ramming speed. He’ll need to run harder if he wants to break through to the other side.

The Boys Are Back In Town

Did you hear? The boys — mostly, this being Congress — are back in town!  They’re well-rested and ready to get in pointless fights with the president, attempt to pass toxic legislation and fail to run a government they have near-total control over.

First up on the agenda, tax ref– DACA! Trump intends to stick it to the Dreamers and has given Congress exactly 6 months to sort it all out. But Congress isn’t inept; they can juggle multiple balls at once. So the DACA ball is in the air, next comes tax ref– Hurricane Harvey relief! Houston is one big puddle right now. 60 people are confirmed dead, and many more have lost everything. Responding to this disaster can’t wait.

So DACA, then Harvey relief, then tax refo– oh, what is it now?! Kim Jong Un detonated a hydrogen bomb underground, and the Trump administration continues its ill-advised game of feeding the troll? This calls for some sober-minded adults in the room.

But after DACA, hurricane relief and averting a nuclear holocaust, they’ll be able to give their undivided attention to… to… tax reform. Presuming nothing else major happens in the month of September. Congressional Republicans desperately need something to brag about to their constituents. If they can’t pass something in the next month, the electoral politics of 2018 ensures nothing substantial will be done for another year and some change.

It’s a good thing for the GOP the American tax code isn’t, you know, complicated.

(Year Zero/Day Two Hundred and Twenty-Nine)

Oh, Right. Other People.

45 basked in adulation. Everyone in the Lone Star State was so great and loved him unconditionally. What a turnout! He knew then that he’d overseen the greatest hurricane response in the history of disaster relief.

Still, he felt like he was forgetting to do something. What would a normal human do in this situation? He wouldn’t know, because he’d always been extraordinary. Maybe it was actually seeing Harvey’s devestation firsthand?

He didn’t mind not having to get his shoes wet, so that couldn’t be it. What about…? Ah, that was probably it.

President Donald Trump visited Texas to offer his support after Hurricane Harvey, but he didn’t meet with a single victim of the storm…

What did those grimy people want anyway, a hug? They’d just lost everything they’d owned, which automatically made them losers. The Donald didn’t give hugs to losers.

(Year Zero/Day Two Hundred and Twenty-Three)

Trump’s Cascade Of Crises

President Trump’s hobbled, self-parodying administration faces a cascade of crises and heavy lifts this fall that it’s ill-equipped to shoulder simultaneously:

What Trump is thinking, per a source: “The president can’t stop thinking about wasps. Whenever an aide brings up a topic unrelated to wasps, he shuts the down and stares off into the distance, muttering ‘It would be so much easier if I was the Wasp King.’ It’s gotten so bad [Chief of Staff] John Kelly is seriously entertaining the idea of locking the president in the Oval Office with hundreds of live, angry wasps for an hour to drive it home that wasps are bad and he is not their king.”

Trump’s interest in the once-in-a-century Houston flooding has waned. “Why is it still raining?” he’s been heard to ask more than once. Due to the unprecented nature of the event, Trump had convinced himself God is punishing Houston for not voting for him in a number exceeding 90 percent in the 2016 election.

Other crises:

Trump’s control over the White House ice cream supply has only increased in recent months, opening  a deep wound within the administration. Economic adviser Gary Cohn, SecState Rex Tillerson and Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin have all been denied mint chocolate chip from Trump’s private stash as retaliation for public statements made in the wake of Charlottesville. According to at least one member of the Deep State who is secretly listening in on Trump’s team, being denied a refreshing treat had led Cohn, Tillerson and Mnuchin to discuss providing testamony to Robert Mueller.

Indeed, the special counsel’s work is becoming increasingly visible as he issues subpoenas and replenishes his torch supply, with real risks to the White House as he reportedly delves into Trump and his family’s habit of consorting with Hecate.

Most in the West Wing don’t have a good sense of what’s coming with the Mueller investigation. But witch hunt experts warn that it’s going to make the infernal battles thus far look like child’s play once the possibility of being burned at the stake is in the mix.

The Hill agenda for September is punishing, with colossal fights over tax reform, avoiding a government shutdown, and funding research on a controversial program that would transmogrify low-income Americans into gold. Steve Bannon called it the “meat-grinder” month, as historically a freshman senator is ritualistically killed, run through a meat grinder and consumed in a six-course meal by their Senate collages.

These fights will require basic mental competency and cooperation with Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell, so the path to even getting to a tax reform bill is long and precarious. And Trump has little political capital outside his shrinking base.

Why it matters: Alumni of past White Houses say this torrent would be daunting even for a White House not captained by a sociopathic toddler. But it threatens to be debilitating at a time when the Trump White House is short on bandwidth, goodwill and momentum.

Be smart: The only advisor Trump still has time for is Guss the Inimitable Lizard-Man. Upon replacing Reince Priebus, John Kelly attempted to restrict the mysterious visitor from Essa’s access to the president, but Guss has taken to materializing behind doors Kelly had locked. White House aides report strange phenomenon, such as a sound one source who knows Trump well described as “the hissing in unison of a thousand snakes” and Trump’s delighted giggling.

(Year Zero/Day Two Hundred and Twenty-One)