What He Says Vs. What He Means

Men: can’t live with them, can’t live without them. They tell you things that are truly mystifying, and you’re left scrambling to piece together what was actually meant. Whether it’s nature or nurture, it’s a proven fact that men are poor communicators. We talked to relationship expert Abernathy Hildegard to interpret the garbled nonsense that the menfolk call “talking”.

When he texts you that he’s working late again and not to worry, what is he actually trying to convey?

This is what experts in my field call plausible deniability. If your man is going out of his way to tell you why he’s not spending time with you, chances are he’s a debauched sex pervert. This is the number one sign he’s cheating. While you’re waiting for him he come home, he’s out enjoying trysts in his office bathroom, threesomes, orgies, kink play, furries… he is in short committing the most degraded acts of carnality behind your back. If it’s going to work, you’ll need couples counseling.

What message is he trying to send when he yells “We haven’t been together for five years! Stop slashing my wife’s tires!”?

If he was really over you, he wouldn’t keep inventing excuses to get in touch. Take this as a subtle sign that he’s having second thoughts about his current fling and wants to pick up where you left off… if you’ll allow him the extraordinary privilege.

What does he mean when he says “James Comey better hope there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!”?

Your man is telling you he has no respect for the rule of law. He just publicly intimidated a witness against him. He may say he was only encouraging Comey to give honest testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee, but don’t fall for that age-old line. He’s under investigation for obstruction of justice; menacing Comey is of a piece. Even if you’re attracted to bad boys, he’s waving some serious red flags. Dump him before he breaks your heart.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Fifty-Five)