It’s a dismal time to be an American. Following revelations all but the most casual observers are painfully aware of, our national morale has plummeted to a historic low. A new Gallup poll shows only 47% of us are “extremely proud” to be an American. Giving people the option of saying they’re “extremely proud” is patently ridiculous – Gallup might as well have asked Americans if they “super into” pizza or think having sex is “the best”, but a record low is a record low.
This presents something of a conundrum regarding the appropriate way to celebrate the Fourth of July. Unlike Loyalty Day, we can’t tell you what to do and say or how to feel (loyal). It’s a personal choice, like abortion or which crazy, made-up deity you’re super into. But we have three sensible suggestions to make your Fourth just, like, the best.
- Burn an American flag instead of waving it.
- Get some summer reading in! I recommend Legacy of Ashes: The History of the CIA by Tim Weiner. If you’d prefer something briefer, try The Declaration of Independence, a historical document that continues to bewilder some of the less civically literate among us.
- Drink until you can’t feel anything, thus avoiding the shame of being an American in 2018.
Have an acceptable day away from the crushing weight of wage slavery!