How Does One Celebrate The Fourth During These Trying Times?

It’s a dismal time to be an American. Following revelations all but the most casual observers are painfully aware of, our national morale has plummeted to a historic low. A new Gallup poll shows only 47% of us are “extremely proud” to be an American. Giving people the option of saying they’re “extremely proud” is patently ridiculous – Gallup might as well have asked Americans if they “super into” pizza or think having sex is “the best”, but a record low is a record low.

This presents something of a conundrum regarding the appropriate way to celebrate the Fourth of July. Unlike Loyalty Day, we can’t tell you what to do and say or how to feel (loyal). It’s a personal choice, like abortion or which crazy, made-up deity you’re super into. But we have three sensible suggestions to make your Fourth just, like, the best.

  1. Burn an American flag instead of waving it.
  2. Get some summer reading in! I recommend Legacy of Ashes: The History of the CIA by Tim Weiner. If you’d prefer something briefer, try The Declaration of Independence, a historical document that continues to bewilder some of the less civically literate among us.
  3. Drink until you can’t feel anything, thus avoiding the shame of being an American in 2018.

Have an acceptable day away from the crushing weight of wage slavery!

 

 

 

Down With Thomas Jefferson

Hey friends: fun idea. Let’s not just pull down statues of confederate generals but slave rapist Thomas Jefferson as well. And, why not, George Washington. The guy’s already got a district and a state named after him. What does a pile of bones care?

To be honest, I hadn’t really thought about going so far until Donald Trump put the idea in my head. Thanks, I guess?

So grab some rope, call your friends, mask up and unite the right in tearfulness as their precious symbols of white supremacy are removed from the public square.