Trumpcare Slumped And Exhaled A Death Rattle…

And there was much rejoicing throughout the land. The terrifying kabuki the GOP was compelled to perform to justify countless Obamacare repeal votes came to a close, and the dancers, red-faced and exhausted, shambled away.

The bill was a revolting glob of toxic waste that corroded everything around it. It threatened to destabilize the health care market at large, which is why major insurers recently issued a forceful rejection of most of what it stood for. The president had a limited comprehension of the bill’s content, but he had enough wherewithal to decree it was “mean”. It would have ravaged Medicaid and allowed preexisting conditions to prevent access to vital medical care.

The Better Care Reconciliation Act of 2017 is dead as a three-day-old corpse, and few will mourn its loss.

Coming soon: Zombie Trumpcare.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Seventy-Nine)

Hey Mitch, Turn That CBO Frown Upside Down

ROTLP is pleased to announce the formation of its own political PR company.

Risen Lizard is a joint venture with several unnamed former Clinton lobbyists who now schlep for the Trump agenda. To show Washington movers and shakers the kind of spin Risen Lizard can offer, we’re giving this one-time-only freebie to Mitch McConnell. Poor Mitch has something of a revolt on his hands over the Senate health care bill – here are some talking points that will turn things around in no time.

    • 22 million people won’t be deprived of their insurance, they’ll finally be freed from Big Government interference with the continued beating of their hearts.
    • The health care vote wasn’t postponed until after the 4th of July because GOP senators are rebelling. It was gently relocated to give Republicans more time to spend with their families, loving America.
    • The president misspoke when he called the bill “mean”. He meant to say “A welcome salve on the wound Obamacare has inflicted on the American people.” Yeah, that sounds more like him.
    • Drafting the Senate healthcare reform bill wasn’t done in secret because there was something to hide! The Republicans want everyone to know they’ve always hated the Medicaid expansion. Being of firm convictions, they’re willing to stand by their ideals, even when they’re unpopular. If you disagree with these men and women of principle, you’re welcome to vote for someone else come Election Day.

Are you on the wrong side of history, but you need someone to spin history ’round and ’round until it’s too dizzy to discern which side is which? Risen Lizard can do all that and more! Send an email to to request our services. Please keep in mind that at this time we only accept payment through Swiss bank accounts and Diners Club cards.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Fifty-Nine)

What Does The Senate Health Care Bill Mean For You?

If you’re like the United States Senate, Donald Trump and myself, you’re well qualified to run things by dint of your enviable wealth and don’t need government handouts to stay alive.

If, on the other hand, you’re one of the Poors, you’ll need to prepare yourself for how the Senate’s newly unveiled health care bill will impact your bottom line of existing on earth. Ask yourself if God really thinks you’re virtuous enough not to die an agonizing premature death in the gutter.

Have you considered trying alternative forms of medical treatment?

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Fifty-Four)

Revolting Republicans

While y’all boosted C-SPAN’s ratings this week, Senate Republicans were hard at work on drafting a health care reform bill that has a chance in hell of escaping the chamber. In the parlance of the prestigious body, this process is known as “unscrewing the pooch”. The pooch is emphatically resistant to the idea, however.

Worry is increasing among conservatives inside and outside the Capitol that the bill is “tipping toward the moderates,” said a Republican working on the repeal effort. And after weeks of sparring, the tug-of-war between conservatives and more centrist Republicans is finally reaching its climax.

“I don’t think it’s insurmountable. But I think the passion’s going up on each side,” said Sen. Shelley Moore Capito (R-W.Va.), who is pushing for more robust Medicaid benefits against conservative opposition. “The heat’s definitely rising.”

Obvious hot dog reference
Even more obvious dog in heat reference
Accectable: throwing the dog a bone reference ✔

Let’s not give Republican moderates too much credit for holding the line against the revolting Senators. Their proven political malleability makes it likely they can be pressured into throwing the dog a bone. For all the praise mustachioed Beltway pundits heap upon their sensibility, you’ll find like the rest of their party, they support Operation: Fuck The Poor. They’d just prefer the legislation be less, you know, obvious about it.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Forty-Two)

That CBO Score, Tho

23 million more uninsured Americans by 2026. It’s the kind of attention-grabbing projection that’s sure to provoke a fresh wave of outrage among bleeding heart liberals.

But what if those Americans don’t want to be insured? What if having to keep track of co-pay rates is super stressful? And what about those with a modicum of principle who believe that people should pay an amount commesurate to the value of a product or service?

This doesn’t even take into account individuals who actively want to die. Medical insurance would only be a unwieldy barrier to their death wish. Oblivionblockers.

Then there are others – usually traditionally macho men – who don’t even take advantage of health insurance when they have it. They wouldn’t miss it if they no longer had access to it. Medicine is for women and the effete. Whiskey is all the medicine they need.

Frankly, those who presume to speak for all the future uninsured should apologize to these invisible and oft-neglected segments of society.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Twenty-Five)