Zombie Zombie Trumpcare

He’s still at it. Undeterred by crashing his head into a brick wall, the concussed fool staggers, wipes his bloody face with a sleeve and affixes his gaze on his target again. Ramming speed. He’ll need to run harder if he wants to break through to the other side.


Donald Trump doesn’t take rejection well. Over the weekend, the lazy fascist threw a temper tantrum of epic proportions, lambasting the caucus that is (on paper, at least) his own party for failing to pass any health care reform bill. If they can’t do it, Trump mused, he’ll have to sabotage Obamacare by blocking subsidy payments to insurance companies.

NO. Get out of here, Beastie Boys! Your days of being relevant are behind you! Your songs are now a comfortable staple of commercial radio and a plot device for the mediocre J.J. Abrams Star Trek reboot franchise! I’m trying to talk about something that could have a deep impact on people’s lives here!

Thanks, Deep Impact, for presenting a scenario much more in line with severity of the crisis Donald Trump could unleash, as well as reminding us of that one time we had a level-headed black president who stopped insurers from discriminating against individuals with pre-existing conditions.

It bears repeating that Donald Trump does not understand how America’s imperfect health care insurance market works. He’s not a policy details man, or a big ideas man, or much of anything that could still be considered human. His mad grasping for anything he could call a victory could inexorably destabilize the insurance market.

And he’d unconscionably bomb the market because he didn’t get his way. President Trump would wantonly endanger the financial security, and in some cases the lives, of millions of Americans because he has the emotional maturity of a two-year-old.

How are we all feeling about his access to the nuclear codes?

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Ninety-Three)

The Miracle Workers

Oh great creator above, how did they do it? How did they convince not enough Senators to authorize rapid-fire discussion and voting on zombie Trumpcare, requiring Vice President Mike Pence to vote to break the tie? How did they then proceed to vote down plans that, although they didn’t make much sense to begin with, seemed almost competent compared to the ideas Republican Senators began pulling from their anal canals because fuck it, it’s not like the president, though adamant something gets passed, actually understands how health OR insurance work? What magisterial control of the situation! What daring!

With the passage of Okay Let’s Talk About It I Guess, Washington insiders agree that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is a strategic genius with an incomparable understanding of procedural maneuvers. Washington insiders agreed last week that Mitch McConnell was a dismal failure whose reputation had been oversold to the detriment of the GOP’s political fortunes.

See how this works? Nothing is real! Perception is paramount! I don’t know what’s in the town’s swampgas, but it seems to make the national political press change their minds about what’s actually happening every five minutes. Either the journalist are 1) swamp-high or 2) in jobs that require them to have a fresh take to offer readers every single day.

Take your pick.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Eighty-Eight)

Today In Old White People Are Trying To Ruin Everything…

For fuck’s sake. Old white people are still trying to ruin everything.

Old white people flew extra old, extra white John McCain away from his cancer treatment in Arizona so he can vote on… ummm…

Turns out no one actually knows what it is they’re supposed to be voting on tomorrow. At all. Other than it has to do with health care. Which is definitely something that should be meddled with by cranky grandpas who are going senile.


Trumpcare Slumped And Exhaled A Death Rattle…

And there was much rejoicing throughout the land. The terrifying kabuki the GOP was compelled to perform to justify countless Obamacare repeal votes came to a close, and the dancers, red-faced and exhausted, shambled away.

The bill was a revolting glob of toxic waste that corroded everything around it. It threatened to destabilize the health care market at large, which is why major insurers recently issued a forceful rejection of most of what it stood for. The president had a limited comprehension of the bill’s content, but he had enough wherewithal to decree it was “mean”. It would have ravaged Medicaid and allowed preexisting conditions to prevent access to vital medical care.

The Better Care Reconciliation Act of 2017 is dead as a three-day-old corpse, and few will mourn its loss.

Coming soon: Zombie Trumpcare.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Seventy-Nine)

Hey Mitch, Turn That CBO Frown Upside Down

ROTLP is pleased to announce the formation of its own political PR company.

Risen Lizard is a joint venture with several unnamed former Clinton lobbyists who now schlep for the Trump agenda. To show Washington movers and shakers the kind of spin Risen Lizard can offer, we’re giving this one-time-only freebie to Mitch McConnell. Poor Mitch has something of a revolt on his hands over the Senate health care bill – here are some talking points that will turn things around in no time.

    • 22 million people won’t be deprived of their insurance, they’ll finally be freed from Big Government interference with the continued beating of their hearts.
    • The health care vote wasn’t postponed until after the 4th of July because GOP senators are rebelling. It was gently relocated to give Republicans more time to spend with their families, loving America.
    • The president misspoke when he called the bill “mean”. He meant to say “A welcome salve on the wound Obamacare has inflicted on the American people.” Yeah, that sounds more like him.
    • Drafting the Senate healthcare reform bill wasn’t done in secret because there was something to hide! The Republicans want everyone to know they’ve always hated the Medicaid expansion. Being of firm convictions, they’re willing to stand by their ideals, even when they’re unpopular. If you disagree with these men and women of principle, you’re welcome to vote for someone else come Election Day.

Are you on the wrong side of history, but you need someone to spin history ’round and ’round until it’s too dizzy to discern which side is which? Risen Lizard can do all that and more! Send an email to riseofthelizardpeople@protonmail.com to request our services. Please keep in mind that at this time we only accept payment through Swiss bank accounts and Diners Club cards.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Fifty-Nine)