5 Things To Expect When Ex-FBI Director James Comey Testifies On Russia

There are still a lot of unknowns in the competing investigations into the Trump administration’s connections with Russia, so fired FBI Director James Comey’s upcoming public testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee should prove illuminating. Here are five things to expect when Comey takes the stand next Thursday:

Comey will spoil the plot to the 1981 swashbuckling comedy Zorro, The Gay Blade.

The move is sure to be controversial, but Comey will assert “The movie came out 36 years ago. Unless they’ve been living under a rock all this time, no true George Hamilton fan missed his impressive dual performance as Don Diego de la Vega and Bunny Wigglesworth.”

Comey will reveal he’s legally changed his last name to Comet.

The former FBI chief is expected to comment “It just sounds cooler, ya know? ‘Jim Comet, fighter of crime and fascist presidents who collude with Russia.’ It has a nice ring to it.”

Jim Comet will reveal what he knows about Trump’s friendship with Guss, the imitable lizard-man.

As emissary of the lizard people, Guss has been tasked with bending governments to his will and replacing leaders with shape-shifting reptiliods when necessary. Comet’s unique view into the interstellar struggle for human survival should definitively prove that the president is in league with the lizard people, if not already one of them.

Comet will share a more personal side of himself.

Jim will talk about his interest in the feasibility of terraforming Mars (NASA is far outside the FBI’s purview, but he’s had ample time to read since he was relieved of his duties), how he’s thinking of going back to school to get an MFA in sculpture, and why Song of Solomon is the most erotic part of the Bible. He’ll also bring a photo album filled with pictures of his lovely grandchildren, which he will pass around to lawmakers. A request will be entered into the official record that Senators be careful while handling them, because he cherishes his family memories.

Comet will pepper his testimony with references to Kendrick Lamar in hopes that he’ll be sampled on the next album.

Jim’s a huge fan of Kendrick, and he wants to put this one-in-a-lifetime spotlight on what he has to say to good use.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Thirty Four)