In Which The President Undermines His Own Country’s Legal System

It’s one thing for a sitting president to acknowledge that American legal system is flawed, as Barack Obama did during his tenure in the White House. With that acknowledgement, there’s an expectation that the president and Congress make attempts to improve policing, the court system and prisons. Barack Obama’s actions to that end may have been a dint in the carceral state, but it was well within how most people would expect the man in charge to behave.

And then there’s this.

[Trump] added: “We need quick justice and we need strong justice — much quicker and much stronger than we have right now. Because what we have right now is a joke and it’s a laughingstock. And no wonder so much of this stuff takes place.”

Where was Jeff Sessions, Top Cop in all the land?

Attorney General Jeff Sessions, the head of the so-called ‘laughing stock’ justice system, was in the room for this comment — sitting across from Trump.

Reports are unclear as to whether steam shot comically out of the Keebler Klansman’s ears.

(Year Zero/Day Two Hundred and Eighty-Six)

EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Private Message From The President To Special Councel Mueller

Surreptitiously leaked to Rise Of The Lizard People this morning by our own version of Deep Throat, the following is a private message sent to Special Counsel Robert Mueller by the Office of the President of the United States following the indictments of Paul Manafort, Rick Gates and George Papadopoulos. We’ve confirmed its veracity through the usual method of haruspicy, and can now confidently enter its unabridged contents into the public record.

To Special Investigator Robert Mueller
From The Office of the President
October 30, 2017

Re: Wiping the floor with you

Ty Cobb begged me to stop sending you these little letters once their existence became public, but you know what? Fuck him. And more importantly, fuck you, Bob.

I’m going to stick my boot so far up your ass you’ll need a colostomy bag for the rest of your life. You think the law is on your side? The president is above the law.

No one cares about your investigation. It’s tired. It’s played out. My fans have about as much interest in it as they have in my tax returns. The only “conspiracy against the United States” is the one you’re in with Crooked Hillary.

Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to wind down your investigation. You’ve got nothing on me. Nothing worth taking a long swim in the Atlantic with specially fitted shoes. Or maybe you’d like a tour of rural Kentucky? I know some very fine people who told me about a very isolated place they use for target practice.

You’ll leave the two things I care about most in this world alone: my money and me. Oh, and my family. Make that three things.

But I’m just joking. I’m a funny guy. Ha ha! See? I’m laughing. Because I’m not afraid to fire you. It’s what I’m know for. How would you like to be charged with a little conspiracy of your own? Are you really willing to risk your reputation over this?

Look, I’m not a bad guy. Maybe I’ll go easy on you if you quit now and join a certain exclusive Florida resort. Your choice, Bob. Think on it.

P.S. Good luck finding the orb, asshole.

Dictated but not read,

Donald J. Trump
45th President of the United States and owner of Mar a Lago Resort

(Year Zero/Day Two Hundred and Eighty-Four)


I can’t think of a better candidate for flipping to Robert Mueller than Reince Priebus. Here’s a political functionary that never fit into the White House, was demeaned by his boss with nicknames like “Reincey”, forced to carry Trump’s brackish water and, after months of humiliating reports of his immanent demise, was given the ax to make way for John Kelly.

Priebus might have an ax of his own to grind.

(Year Zero/Day Two Hundred and Seventy)

Lock Them Up

Using non-government email addresses for government business is a REALLY BIG DEAL. All perpetrators of this odious crime should be locked up, and the keys to those locks should be thrown into a volcano.

Someone like the Democratic Party’s 2016 presidential candidate — whatshername — deserves such a fate. During the campaign we were endlessly reminded she was “crooked” because “emails”. EMAILS! Emails are bad. The people who use them improperly can’t be allowed into government.

But wait! Steve Bannon did the crooked emails! So did Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump. If even steadfast Ivanka can be seduced by the naughty emails, the issue has reached epidemic proportions. There is only one solution that comes to mind. It’s tough love, but a crime’s a crime.

Lock them up.

Carter Page Looks Like Your Creepy Neighbor Who Lingers By The Playground

Only this particular dead-eyed cretin has friends in high places. Suspicious friends, friends with Russian spy accents straight out of Rocky and Bullwinkle. His strange associations didn’t escape the notice of the FBI.

Page had been the subject of a secret intelligence surveillance warrant since 2014, earlier than had been previously reported, US officials briefed on the probe told CNN.

When information emerged last summer suggesting that the Russians were attempting to cultivate Page as a way to gain an entrée into the Trump campaign, the FBI renewed its interest in him. Initially, FBI counterintelligence investigators saw the campaign as possible victims being targeted by Russian intelligence.

Timing, as they say, is everything, and the period between 2014 and the 2016 general election would in retrospect be an elucidatory time of be covertly surveilling one of Donald Trump’s many suspect advisors. It is perhaps then less than surprising that Witchfinder Mueller is busying himself issuing grand jury subpoenas