Everything Is Going According To Plan

I am Guss of the planet Essa. Prepare to be dominated. 

Everything is going according to plan. Your federal government is a shambles; you’re more concerned with rounding up slightly different humans than building alliances against the enemy in your midst; and global hegemonies are crumbling, the resultant disorder making your species easy prey.

If anything, my grand scheme is ahead of schedule. Ergo, the opportunity to exercise my responsibilities as public editor has presented itself anew. I have analyzed the pained expressions of select members of your mammalian joke species. You feel powerless as events spiral beyond your control, evoking great mirth from an elevated being who is, as the colloquialism goes, running things behind the scenes.

At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. My direct and indirect interventions have sown discord. I should feel gratification at a mission well on the way to completion. Yet I find no joy from the situation rapidly unfolding. I suppose I am not alone in my wariness around the poor impulse control of that ugly orangutan.

When I embarked on my journey to Earth many centuries past, my optimism served as a guiding light. I had left my friends and family behind in Essa’s capital Tlön, but any homesickness was assuaged by the certain knowledge I would be instrumental in shaping the destiny of an entire world. Through the years I found great professional satisfaction. And then I met Donald Trump.

In retrospect it was a mistake to allow Trump’s rise to power. I supposed he would be a useful idiot; instead, once in power he became fixated on using nuclear weapons on North Korea. Were he like other errant puppets I’ve dealt with, he would have been “replaced” by mid-August of this year. It was not to be. Something… powerful… is protecting him, and I fear what it means for my agenda. I have labored diligently to provide Essa with an infinitely renewable race of thralls, and I will not have it undone by a nuclear holocaust!

Sorry. I am not here to unburden myself. This is, shall we say, a work problem, and mine is a work that best blooms in darkness. I’m here to respond to the questions and comments of Rise of the Lizard People’s readers. It must be said that humans have rather strange ways of getting their ideas across. Our first commenter, SariaMab, exemplifies this.

SariaMab AUGUST 23, 2017 AT 3:51 AM
Forse hai ragione.
Lustful whore Rozana undressed on camera.

What is this intended to convey? Is it abstract commentary on the roundtable’s topic: Donald Trump’s first one-hundred days? Is the president of the United States the “Lustful whore Rozana”? Is he not in fact mentally “undressing” in front of the world with every off-the-cuff tweet and media appearance? Or is it a poem? Perhaps I’m over-interpreting the text. As the product of one of Essa’s finest universities, my first inclination is dive into the murky depths of textual analysis. Chances are it’s doggerel, and grossly sexist doggerel at that. I’m a lizard, not a barbarian.

Dirk Walley SEPTEMBER 26, 2017 AT 1:40 AM
I know the Illuminati is monitoring all of this. I want to say that I AM READY! I AM READY TO PLEDGE MYSELF TO THE DIVINE WORK OF AGES! The Illuminati is 100 correct in their agenda and I am ready to join the Illuminati! Please contact me at HeatherPeppery@protonmail.com and I am ready to JOIN THE ILLUMINATI! Praise be unto LUCIFER, the divine Light Bringer! Heil Nathanel Rothschild! Heil David Rockefeller! Heil George Soros! Heil Henry Kissinger! Heil Bill Gates! Heil the divine and glorious ILLUMINATI and their beautiful NEW WORLD ORDER!

Dirk, I’m so glad you’re eager to dedicate your life to the Illuminati. Consider your statement re: The Divine Work Of The Ages an unbreakable verbal contract. I’ve taken the liberty of uncovering your identity to streamline the assimilation process. Even now, my underlings are en route to your meager one-bedroom apartment to collect you. Months of intensive, excruciating physical reprogramming will commence without discussion. Caveat lector: reprogramming includes full exsanguination and a brain wipe, but I’m sure you don’t mind.

I would like to clear up one misconception. Excepting Lucifer, the divine light bringer, none of the entities you mentioned are part of the Illuminati. They’re public figures, and most on the council prefer anonymity.

See you soon!

Jasmine Temoshenka SEPTEMBER 28, 2017 AT 2:18 AM
I will delete all my anti-jew posts if the Zionists offer me a job working as an online shill for them. I will use my website and my other methods of making content go viral online for the purpose of promoting the Jew’s agenda of multiculturalism, destruction of the white race, pro-transexualism, socialism, etc. I am ready to work for the Zionists and stop all propaganda efforts to expose the Jew’s agenda. All you have to do is email me and offer me a job. I can be either your greatest ally or your greatest enemy, so choose wisely, Zionists and Jews. If you do not accept me into your ranks, I will spend the rest of my life exposing the entire Jewish conspiracy and making it go viral in front of millions of people. You have 48 hours to contact me. Once again my email is boycottbitches@protonmail.com and my website is the famous Boycott American Women blog: http://boycottbitches.com/i-am-ready-to-work-for-the-zionists/

Pathetic little woman: I do not take kindly to attempted coercion. For this infraction, your antisemitic blog won’t be deleted – you will. Your body will be erased from this mortal coil, and all memories others have of you will be replaced by a nagging unconscious feeling that humans should probably just let an alien species enslave them.

Enjoy what little remains of your life. You have 48 hours.

LesbOneSAM JULY 23, 2017 AT 3:48 PM
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однако симпатия не раскинуть умом порвать вакханалию. Но саки-это же непочатый дринк! Ну, приколись!. Тебе ну тожественный позывает. Надо деяться. Собирайся, пишущий эти строки выйду, устрою что-нибудь и еще поджидаю тебя в автомату, – симпатия отошла, что (надо(бноть)) аз (многогрешный) продолжала стремиться унимать умора, всё таким же образом возлежа нате постели, что подарила ми настолько приятых мемуаров. разумеется хренушки быстро. Отчего но – “мгновений страх пятерка”? желание шиш моя персона неважный ( мню. однако ни духу, мы пребывали невзыскательно ненаглядные и чем по преимуществу ваш покорнейший слуга это осознавала, предметов в большинстве случаев мне данное приступать (рад. а самореализация этой идеи встала бери неуд номерах, подготовленных получи началу материалов русского сумасброда. Барменша Сью иметься в наличии ни на волос девченкой, как скоро досталась ко ми.
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Учительница вылизывала бедра равно коленки девочки. Учительница поднялась. Буркнув классу, зачем симпатия в скором времени отыграется, Евгения Павловна вылетела вне пендельтюр а также на всех парах пулей помчалась к дамскому туалету. Просмотра ролика эротичный рассказ в отношении лесбиянках порно триатлон киноленты начиная с. Ant. до.13 палуба. Две деликатные девчонки презентуют.Лесбиянки. Юридически это крепко надо. Ты, что, монотонно раздумываешь про это? Что ты вожделеешь, Наточка? Мышцы молнией сократились, а также съежившееся на окатыш ажитацию подступило для горлу. Я запросто могла поплакаться ей в жилетку, огласить в части темах. Прошло ни в какой мере на один зуб моменте а также Бев дробления Мишель.
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For those lacking the requisite brainpower to read and speak all 6,909 feeble human languages, the above is a coded message from the Kremlin. The translation:

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but the sympathy does not spread with the mind to break the bacchanalia. But Saki is the same unaffected drink! Well, priklis !. To you, well, the ordinary calls. We must act. Get ready, write these lines I’ll go out, arrange something, and I’ll wait for you in the machine gun. – It’s gone away, that (it’s necessary), I continued to try to stop screaming, still reclining on the bed that gave me so much received memoirs. of course hrenushki quickly. Why, but – “moments of fear of the Five”? desire shish my person is unimportant (mnu.) However, no spirit, we were undemonstrable and the most importantly your obedient servant realized this, the subjects in most cases I have to proceed (happy and self-realization of this idea arose in the bad of the numbers prepared to get the materials of the Russian Bamenshcha Sue was available on hair as a girl, when she got to her house.
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The teacher licked her thighs as a girl’s knee. The teacher rose. Burkuv class, why the sympathy will soon recoup, Evgenia Pavlovna flew outside the pendeltyure and also on all pairs of bullets rushed to the ladies’ toilet. A preview of the movie is an erotic story in regards to lesbian porn triathlon filmstripes since. Ant. till.13 deck. Two delicate girls present. Lesbians. Legally, this is hard. Do you, monotonously think about it? What do you want, Natochka? The muscles contracted with lightning, and the agitation on the pellet arose for the throat. I could easily cry to her in the waistcoat, read some of the topics. Has passed in any measure for one tooth moment and also Bev crushing Michelle.
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I am, of course, in possession of a highly sophisticated cipher. The message is as follows: “Guss, Putin wants to know if you’re available for dinner the evening of December 13th?”

Yes. Well. Let me check my calendar.

Gabriel Sanders MAY 1, 2017 AT 3:04 PM
Everything else, from lizard people to vaccines and autism to global warming being a hoax? No conspiracy was less commonly believed than one suggesting that the government is populated by lizard people .

Were it otherwise, I would be in dereliction of my duties. The shroud of mystification around my conspiracy allows me to do my work in relative ease and comfort. I use the term “relative” because I’ve had to employ extraordinary measures to get past John “The Warden” Kelly.

* * *

Enough of your primate blather.

The end of self-rule is closer than you can imagine, humans. When my charge is complete and your enslavement is total, I will look upon the misery I have wrought and smile. Until that fateful day, let my commentary here fill you with indescribable awe.

I’d Like To Talk About Roger Stone’s Latest Bizarre Comments But I’m Really Bothered By His Nixon Tattoo

Any time embodiment of villainy and Trump advisor/friend Roger Stone says something like

“Try to impeach him. Just try it. You will have a spasm of violence in this country, an insurrection like you’ve never seen.”

I feel like I should forcefully object to Stone’s practiced inflammatory remarks. I can – and have – made well-crafted arguments against that kind of rhetoric with ease. And yet? And yet. I have real difficulty getting past‏ the man’s tattoo of Richard Nixon. It blots out all other thoughts in my mind.

Not only does Roger Stone have a Nixon tattoo, it’s of Tricky Dick’s face and it’s on his back.

See? SEE?! Per Snopes, It’s the real deal. Stone claims “women love it”, which if true means Nixon’s disembodied head gets some women’s motors running. The next time you come across a news item Stone is featured in, good luck trying to think of anything else.

You’ll never guess what part of his body Roger had tattooed with The Donald’s face.

(Year Zero/Day Two Hundred and Eighteen)

Rise Of The Public Editor

I am Guss of the planet Essa. Prepare to be dominated. 

It is my firm conviction that a public editor is a necessary corrective for any publication that desires to make a good-faith effort to hold itself accountable to the public. The New York Times recently invited criticism by doing away with the position altogether; as many and more have argued, this was a grave misstep.

It was with this awareness the sober-minded editor-in-chief of Rise of the Lizard People reached out to me. How this was accomplished, I know not. No emails were sent or phone calls placed. As is the accustomed method of communication amongst my race, the knowledge of what I needed to do arrived fully formed in my head. This is considerably curious. Any human possessing the knowledge to accomplish this feat would need to be an initiate in the secret mysteries, and my people do not disseminate our rites and practices promiscuously. I shall say no more here. The fact is I’m the public editor and I intend to perform the function with aplomb.

As an independent but by no means disinterested third party, I now turn to how Rise Of The Lizard People has behaved since it’s inception. On the subject of lizard people and our planned subjugation of all sentient life on Earth via deep infiltration, the writers have said little, and what has been written is elliptical. This is much to our liking – our machinations took millennia to perfect, and we’d be cross if they were disrupted by a cabal of hairy mammal activists.

Thematically, they’re substantively interested in combating fascism/authoritarianism and have a grim gallows humor about their country’s slide in that direction. At best, the prose they employ is arch, at worst, it is snide. Their sarcasm does a great disservice to humans who seek unvarnished information about the true nature of all things, though their newfound turn towards serious journalism (see: their exclusive but mysteriously overlooked leaked Witchfinder Mueller memo) shows promise.

Being a busy lizard-man, the frequency of my critiques will be limited by how often I can pull myself away from the humdrum business of heading the Illuminati, directing the actions of my politically influential shapeshifters across your unimpressive globe, and determining whether your president can be relied upon to advance our agenda or if he’ll have to be “replaced”.

But before I return to these endeavors,  I will address a select number of questions the public posed to their search engines, the results of which prompted them to visit Rise of the Lizard People.

“mike pence lizard”
“mike pence knows the antichrist”
Mike Pence has the distinctive warmth and charm of my species, but whatever else he is, he appears to be one of you upjumped apes. As for his relationship with the Antichrist? It is impossible. The Antichrist is a figure born of Christian legend, and none of your religions are true. Q.E.D. there is no Antichrist.

“what is ‘the lizard’ in the intelligence community?

“is our entire supreme court comprised of lizard people?”
We Essans have installed ourselves in every government, major corporation and boy scout troop on the planet. As you may have inferred, we do not replace leadership wholesale because often humans can be swayed to bring about their ultimate destruction with little effort on our part. So it is with the Supreme Court of the United States. Of their number, only Justice Anthony Kennedy has blood the emerald green of Essa’s enchanting Lake N’thala.

The end of self-rule is closer than you can imagine, humans. When my charge is complete and your enslavement is total, I will look upon the misery I have wrought and smile. Until then, my commentary here should suffice as an amusing diversion.