>>Date: Mon, 10 April 2017 12:42:18
>>Subject: How I’m Spending My Spring Vacation
Hey, it’s Mike Pence! You know, the Vice President? I’m enjoying a nice family vacation in Sanibel Island. I can’t tell you how nice it is to get away from the hustle and bustle of D.C. Everyone always wants something there, and sometimes I feel, well… gosh, I sure miss Indiana.
So it’s good to get away! I’ve been doing all my usual vacation things like not combing my hair into an impressive helmet. Me and Kare — that’s my wife Karen, I call her Kare — we’ve been boating and going to church. Every evening we eat at the Sea Breeze Cafe. That Danny Morgan is a hoot! We’re having the time of our lives!
Oh, who am I kidding? I’m bored. Deeply, deeply bored. I guess I’m confiding in you because Donald told me nobody important reads your website. It’s not just this vacation that blows, it’s everything. Kare, our stupid kids, my job… most of all my job. I don’t do bullpucky at work. Half the time I’m playing Solitaire. Being governor was way more fun, and no one picked on me for not eating dinner with women who aren’t my wife.
I honestly thought I’d be president by now. Instead, no matter what obscene thing he does, Donald keeps on trucking. Is this real life? Aren’t there any decent, God-fearing Americans left? This is not normal! I think he might be the Antichrist.
I think my disappointment really hit home after I finagled advance screeners of that Handmaid’s Tail show. There I was, jotting down notes on good ways to run a country like a true christian, when I thought to myself “Why are you even bothering to plan ahead, Mike? What are you doing with your life? This orange devilman is going to drive America further away from God and you’ll never have the opportunity to bring the light of Christ into every heart.” That was two days ago. I’ve barely slept since.
What am I doing with my life? Maybe I should just quit and move to Puerto Rico. They speak English over there, right? What am I saying? Puerto Rico isn’t white majority! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, MIKE. You’ve got this. It won’t be too much longer before Trump does something so dumb America will have to put you in charge. You’re just stressed out. Go read the Bible. You love the part where Lot’s wife is turned into salt for not listening to a man.
Thanks for reading this. When I’m 46th President Mike Pence, I won’t send you to a secret prison even though you all deserve to rot there for defying God. And hey, check out the Sea Breeze Cafe if you’re ever in this part of Florida. They’ve got a Black N’ Blue Mac N’ Cheese to die for. They call it “Black N’ Blue” because it has steak and blue cheese in it. Yum!
Can you go ahead and put this on the Internet for me?