Happy Loyalty Day!

How are you celebrating Loyalty Day?

This longstanding holiday (established AM 5777 on the Hebrew Calendar or 1438 AH by the Islamic Calendar’s reckoning) is second only to the Fourth of July in terms of days so goddamn patriotic that they make red-blooded American eagles cry tears of pride.

I, for one, will honor the selfless sacrifices of TROOPS by re-swearing my loyalty oath to America’s strongest, smartest, handsomest, most winningiest leader in this or any other year, Donald J. Trump.

Next, I’ll gather up all the neighborhood children whose parents haven’t taken out restraining orders against me and let them shoot my semi-automatic rifles. The best marksmen will be awarded Junior NRA badges.

The kiddos will swear loyalty oaths to God Emperor Trump with the promise of cookies to follow.

No Loyalty Day is complete without a brief but spirited confrontation with the un-American black-clad scum that celebrates May Day. My preferred method is go downtown, thwack commies in the head with a flag pole and hoof it before I can be arrested.

Finally, my friends and I will gather at the traditional alter in my backyard to recite the pledge of allegiance to pictures of Benevolent Leader Donald, Papa Joe McCarthy and Supreme Gunsmith Wayne LaPierre.

We’ll spend the rest of the evening barbecueing, guzzling domestic beers and singing songs of freedom. It’s days like this that fill me with a sense of accomplishment for being born within the borders of the U.S. of A.

Do you celebrate Loyalty Day in a slightly different but still indescribably patriotic way? Let us know! Share your Loyalty Day tips and recipes in the comments!

(Year Zero/Day One-Hundred and Two)