EXCLUSIVE: Intercepted Phone Call Between Ivanka Trump And Donald Trump Jr. [Transcript]

Unless we’re hopelessly clueless about how laws work, collusion with a hostile foreign government is not a good look for Donald Trump Jr.

It can only get worse for him. The following phone call between Ivanka and Donald Jr. was intercepted this morning by operatives of an intelligence agency that prefers to remain nameless. These kindly spooks passed the transcript along to Rise Of The Lizard People along with what appears to be a child’s drawing of a happy family with Godzilla in the background. That was probably passed along by mistake, but we’re comforted to know even spies have fulfilling lives outside the office.

[INTERCEPT 71117/0807EST]
[Call by #<redacted> to #<redacted>]

Donald Trump, Jr.: Hello?

Ivanka Trump: You stupid asshole, you actually left email evidence of your interest in a federal crime? Are you trying to destroy this family on purpose?

Donald Jr.: Good morning to you too, sister. Don’t get started with your holier-than-thou routine. I’ve lawyered up. He’s a rock star of the legal world.

Ivanka: No, he’s a MOB LAWYER. For MOBSTERS.

Donald Jr.: But…

Ivanka: What are you not getting, fuckwit? This is bad. You mentioned Jared and– Mommy’s on the phone! Are we done with our mandarin lessons? No we aren’t! We don’t get to eat breakfast unless we can ask for it in mandarin! Sorry. Except not sorry, because you’re a moron. The New York Times is fucking us and it’s all your fault.

Donald Jr.: Now wait a minute–

Ivanka: Did I say you could talk? You might as well have emailed “YES HELLO RUSSIAN SPIES I AM VERY EXCITED TO BE WORKING WITH OVERLORD PUTIN. MY FATHER DONALD TRUMP AND I LOVE THE MANY ILLEGAL AND TREASONOUS THINGS WE WILL BE DOING. ALSO I WILL MENTION IVANKA’S BEAUTIFUL HUSBAND IS ATTENDING THE MEETING TO MAKE HER LIFE MORE DIFFICULT.” The best thing you can do now is shut up and hunker down — wait, why is CNN saying you made the emails publicly available?

Donald Jr.: Because you wouldn’t stop laying into me. You should know I’m not to be trifled with. Hope Jared enjoys the renewed public scrutiny!

Ivanka: You’re a waste of flesh. This is why I’m daddy’s favorite. I hope you rot in prison – and not a fancy penitentiary. One with poor people! You won’t even be allowed to slick your hair…

Donald Jr.: Enough! I’m not going to take your abuse. First of all, princess, fuck y–

[click]

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Seventy-Three)

Shh! It’s A Sekrit!

Ta-da! Most of James Comey’s unclassified memos have been magic-wanded into obscurity. Retroactively classifying materials that can damn or embarrass a thin-skinned megalomaniac offers exciting new possibilities for the Trump administration.

Their antipathy towards “leaking” goes well beyond that of the civil servant who believes certain sensitive information should be kept under wraps for the safety and security of the nation. Think of it instead as an extension of Trump’s need to control the narrative at even the granular level. This has everything to do with his increasingly convoluted web of lies and fuck all to do with anything that doesn’t protect the president and his surprisingly loose-lipped kin.

Until he achieves total control over the media and the Intelligence Community, however, these kind of maneuvers will only band-aid the festering wound of his presidency.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Seventy-Two)

The Sad Saga Of The Keebler Klansman

Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III should be having the time of his life right now. Instead, he’s locked the bathroom door and is hugging himself, rocking slowly back and forth in the shower. “Nobody loves me,” he sobs as water runs over him.

There’s never been a better time in the last 50 years to be a good ol’ boy like J.B.3 in Washington, yet the AG is miserable. So what happened?

It seemed like an ideal setup. Jeff was born in a swamp, and his BFF is the human embodiment of same. When his pal got a promotion and asked him to be America’s #1 lawman, Jeffy felt like a kid on Christmas, he really did. But it all went sideways fast.

First he had to recuse himself over a meeting or three that were hardly worth mentioning. This made his friend very, very upset. Hurtful things were said, and Sessions felt like he’d messed up things real bad. He tried to make up for it by giving his friend a special gift, but that backfired too. There was more yelling. He offered to resign, not that he was taken up on the offer.

That gift, it turned out, keeps on giving. Now folks are saying he may be hiding more secrets. Everyone ignores eye contact in hallways and conversation dies when he gets on the elevator. When the talking heads on the teevee deign to discuss him, they make a faces like they’re smelling a rotten egg. His friend doesn’t invite him out to lunch at his golf resort any more. Jeff feels like such a loser.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, he sighs as he turns off the shower. He’s still wearing his suit and tie. He doesn’t bother grabbing a towel. It’s a stunning turn of events for the elfin creature who has come so far since he emerged from the mosquito-choked fen. You the reader may feel only scorn from your safe remove, but Jeff? Jeff feels… whatever the American word for ennui is.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Forty-One)

How Stevie Got His Groove Back

Steve Bannon was rumored to be on the chopping block a month ago, which is to say, a distant 12 Trump years in the past. Since then, the widening investigation into TrumpWorld’s collusion with Russia appears to have neutralized his foe Arch-Cuck Kushner, allowing him to… to… well, I guess the Paris Climate Accord is a big deal to Bannon.

Steve Bannon and Scott Pruitt have sought to outsmart the administration’s pro-Paris group of advisers, including Trump’s daughter Ivanka, who were hoping the president could be swayed by a global swell of support for the deal from major corporations, U.S. allies, Al Gore and even the pope. … If he withdraws, Paris’ foes will have Pruitt and Bannon to thank.

By all appearances, America will indeed withdraw from the accord this afternoon. Bannon can breathe a sigh of relief, secure in the knowledge his job is secure for at least the next 5 years… er, 11 days.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Thirty-Three)

The Social Event Of The Season

On Wednesday, the entire United States Senate will head to the White House to meet with Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis, Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Joseph Dunford.

This little soirée won’t be all hobnobbing and name-dropping, however. It seems there is an issue of some concern the aforementioned individuals wish to entreat senators about. Our inside sources were unusually tight-lipped about the topic of the meeting, but obliquely hinted it had to do with “Korth Norea”, whatever that is.

What an usual gathering of powerful individuals in the same location! There must be some reason they’re making time in their assuredly busy schedules, but what?

(Year Zero/Day Ninety-Six)

Daily Melange

I can’t stop thinking about Sean Spicer.

America’s newest patron saint of live-televised fuck-ups elevated his game to historic levels this week.

After incorrectly saying that Hitler did not use chemical weapons in WWII, President Trump’s thumb-headed mouth piece referred to a concentration camp as a “Holocaust center.”

I’ve wondered about the actual intelligence level of Spicer for some time now.

I get it.

Not everyone in the Trump Administration is stupid, but surely that doesn’t disqualify Spicer from being a few fries short of a happy meal.

This is a guy who’s used the height of two separate stacks of paper as a core talking point.

Remember his first interaction with the press?

It’s gotten to the point where one can easily argue that Spicer at the very least is grossly incompetent.

And I don’t want to hear about him being a diversion. Likening concentration camps to giant Nazi Targets with “Holocaust Center” in block letters emblazoned on the front of the building is so laughably absurd that I literally had to make sure I was not tripping acid before accepting what he said as reality.

Personally, I think Trump has kept Spicer around to appease GOP brass and not look weak by firing his administration’s senior media White House official.

There’s also the possibility that Spicey’s clung to the gig so long because his gaffes are distractive explosions across all platforms of media.

Remember when Neil Gorsuch was sworn in to the Supreme Court?

Will this outrage override the revelations regarding Paul Manafort?

Regardless, I think if you have to call Sheldon Adelson and try to apologize to the entire Jewish people, you are probably going to be fired.

My guess is Trump gives him the axe within the next week.

Heads are already rolling and you might as well cut ties and distance yourself from a guy who you already are concerned looks too much like Melissa McCarthy anyway.

I will miss those sketches though.

Then again, the spice must flow.