Reince In Priebus

A simple calculation to help explain what happened to the White House’s now former Chief of Staff:

Trump says of former POW John McCain “I like people who weren’t captured” during the campaign + John McCain becomes the deciding vote in the Senate’s push to pass Trumpcare by any means neccessary + the president probably yells at the Senator for 20 minutes over the phone early Friday morning, leading McCain to give the thumbs down in Senate chambers, effectively killing the GOP’s 7-year dream of legislatively killing Obamacare + Trump has wanted to replace Reince Priebus for some time now + the failure of healthcare reform throws Donald into a mad rage and he needs to blame someone else = Reince Priebus is given the boot and Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly gets to be the new whipping boy for 45’s innumerable failures.

Not All Relationships Are Meant To Last

Lost for several days among the myriad portents of doom that haunt our waking hours, eagle-eyed observers of Foggy Bottom finally noticed that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson hasn’t been coming into work. State Department spokeswoman Heather Nauert stepped up to clarify Rex is just “taking a little time off”, a phrase that should be intimately familiar to anyone who’s ever been in a romantic relationship in the process of coming apart at the seams.

Rex has found himself in the same boat as Reince Priebus and Jeff Sessions. Once the flood of endorphins evaporated, the charmer he shacked up with turned out to be a real monster. By “taking a break” Rex is allowing himself the emotional space to rediscover who he is and what his passions are. Even as he insists to Don he’s not going anywhere, we all know he’s thinking about other world leaders.

EXCLUSIVE: Intercepted Phone Call Between Ivanka Trump And Donald Trump Jr. [Transcript]

Unless we’re hopelessly clueless about how laws work, collusion with a hostile foreign government is not a good look for Donald Trump Jr.

It can only get worse for him. The following phone call between Ivanka and Donald Jr. was intercepted this morning by operatives of an intelligence agency that prefers to remain nameless. These kindly spooks passed the transcript along to Rise Of The Lizard People along with what appears to be a child’s drawing of a happy family with Godzilla in the background. That was probably passed along by mistake, but we’re comforted to know even spies have fulfilling lives outside the office.

[INTERCEPT 71117/0807EST]
[Call by #<redacted> to #<redacted>]

Donald Trump, Jr.: Hello?

Ivanka Trump: You stupid asshole, you actually left email evidence of your interest in a federal crime? Are you trying to destroy this family on purpose?

Donald Jr.: Good morning to you too, sister. Don’t get started with your holier-than-thou routine. I’ve lawyered up. He’s a rock star of the legal world.

Ivanka: No, he’s a MOB LAWYER. For MOBSTERS.

Donald Jr.: But…

Ivanka: What are you not getting, fuckwit? This is bad. You mentioned Jared and– Mommy’s on the phone! Are we done with our mandarin lessons? No we aren’t! We don’t get to eat breakfast unless we can ask for it in mandarin! Sorry. Except not sorry, because you’re a moron. The New York Times is fucking us and it’s all your fault.

Donald Jr.: Now wait a minute–

Ivanka: Did I say you could talk? You might as well have emailed “YES HELLO RUSSIAN SPIES I AM VERY EXCITED TO BE WORKING WITH OVERLORD PUTIN. MY FATHER DONALD TRUMP AND I LOVE THE MANY ILLEGAL AND TREASONOUS THINGS WE WILL BE DOING. ALSO I WILL MENTION IVANKA’S BEAUTIFUL HUSBAND IS ATTENDING THE MEETING TO MAKE HER LIFE MORE DIFFICULT.” The best thing you can do now is shut up and hunker down — wait, why is CNN saying you made the emails publicly available?

Donald Jr.: Because you wouldn’t stop laying into me. You should know I’m not to be trifled with. Hope Jared enjoys the renewed public scrutiny!

Ivanka: You’re a waste of flesh. This is why I’m daddy’s favorite. I hope you rot in prison – and not a fancy penitentiary. One with poor people! You won’t even be allowed to slick your hair…

Donald Jr.: Enough! I’m not going to take your abuse. First of all, princess, fuck y–


(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Seventy-Three)

Shh! It’s A Sekrit!

Ta-da! Most of James Comey’s unclassified memos have been magic-wanded into obscurity. Retroactively classifying materials that can damn or embarrass a thin-skinned megalomaniac offers exciting new possibilities for the Trump administration.

Their antipathy towards “leaking” goes well beyond that of the civil servant who believes certain sensitive information should be kept under wraps for the safety and security of the nation. Think of it instead as an extension of Trump’s need to control the narrative at even the granular level. This has everything to do with his increasingly convoluted web of lies and fuck all to do with anything that doesn’t protect the president and his surprisingly loose-lipped kin.

Until he achieves total control over the media and the Intelligence Community, however, these kind of maneuvers will only band-aid the festering wound of his presidency.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Seventy-Two)

The Sad Saga Of The Keebler Klansman

Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III should be having the time of his life right now. Instead, he’s locked the bathroom door and is hugging himself, rocking slowly back and forth in the shower. “Nobody loves me,” he sobs as water runs over him.

There’s never been a better time in the last 50 years to be a good ol’ boy like J.B.3 in Washington, yet the AG is miserable. So what happened?

It seemed like an ideal setup. Jeff was born in a swamp, and his BFF is the human embodiment of same. When his pal got a promotion and asked him to be America’s #1 lawman, Jeffy felt like a kid on Christmas, he really did. But it all went sideways fast.

First he had to recuse himself over a meeting or three that were hardly worth mentioning. This made his friend very, very upset. Hurtful things were said, and Sessions felt like he’d messed up things real bad. He tried to make up for it by giving his friend a special gift, but that backfired too. There was more yelling. He offered to resign, not that he was taken up on the offer.

That gift, it turned out, keeps on giving. Now folks are saying he may be hiding more secrets. Everyone ignores eye contact in hallways and conversation dies when he gets on the elevator. When the talking heads on the teevee deign to discuss him, they make a faces like they’re smelling a rotten egg. His friend doesn’t invite him out to lunch at his golf resort any more. Jeff feels like such a loser.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, he sighs as he turns off the shower. He’s still wearing his suit and tie. He doesn’t bother grabbing a towel. It’s a stunning turn of events for the elfin creature who has come so far since he emerged from the mosquito-choked fen. You the reader may feel only scorn from your safe remove, but Jeff? Jeff feels… whatever the American word for ennui is.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Forty-One)