The Sad Saga Of The Keebler Klansman

Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III should be having the time of his life right now. Instead, he’s locked the bathroom door and is hugging himself, rocking slowly back and forth in the shower. “Nobody loves me,” he sobs as water runs over him.

There’s never been a better time in the last 50 years to be a good ol’ boy like J.B.3 in Washington, yet the AG is miserable. So what happened?

It seemed like an ideal setup. Jeff was born in a swamp, and his BFF is the human embodiment of same. When his pal got a promotion and asked him to be America’s #1 lawman, Jeffy felt like a kid on Christmas, he really did. But it all went sideways fast.

First he had to recuse himself over a meeting or three that were hardly worth mentioning. This made his friend very, very upset. Hurtful things were said, and Sessions felt like he’d messed up things real bad. He tried to make up for it by giving his friend a special gift, but that backfired too. There was more yelling. He offered to resign, not that he was taken up on the offer.

That gift, it turned out, keeps on giving. Now folks are saying he may be hiding more secrets. Everyone ignores eye contact in hallways and conversation dies when he gets on the elevator. When the talking heads on the teevee deign to discuss him, they make a faces like they’re smelling a rotten egg. His friend doesn’t invite him out to lunch at his golf resort any more. Jeff feels like such a loser.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, he sighs as he turns off the shower. He’s still wearing his suit and tie. He doesn’t bother grabbing a towel. It’s a stunning turn of events for the elfin creature who has come so far since he emerged from the mosquito-choked fen. You the reader may feel only scorn from your safe remove, but Jeff? Jeff feels… whatever the American word for ennui is.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Forty-One)

How Stevie Got His Groove Back

Steve Bannon was rumored to be on the chopping block a month ago, which is to say, a distant 12 Trump years in the past. Since then, the widening investigation into TrumpWorld’s collusion with Russia appears to have neutralized his foe Arch-Cuck Kushner, allowing him to… to… well, I guess the Paris Climate Accord is a big deal to Bannon.

Steve Bannon and Scott Pruitt have sought to outsmart the administration’s pro-Paris group of advisers, including Trump’s daughter Ivanka, who were hoping the president could be swayed by a global swell of support for the deal from major corporations, U.S. allies, Al Gore and even the pope. … If he withdraws, Paris’ foes will have Pruitt and Bannon to thank.

By all appearances, America will indeed withdraw from the accord this afternoon. Bannon can breathe a sigh of relief, secure in the knowledge his job is secure for at least the next 5 years… er, 11 days.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Thirty-Three)

The Social Event Of The Season

On Wednesday, the entire United States Senate will head to the White House to meet with Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis, Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Joseph Dunford.

This little soirée won’t be all hobnobbing and name-dropping, however. It seems there is an issue of some concern the aforementioned individuals wish to entreat senators about. Our inside sources were unusually tight-lipped about the topic of the meeting, but obliquely hinted it had to do with “Korth Norea”, whatever that is.

What an usual gathering of powerful individuals in the same location! There must be some reason they’re making time in their assuredly busy schedules, but what?

(Year Zero/Day Ninety-Six)

Daily Melange

I can’t stop thinking about Sean Spicer.

America’s newest patron saint of live-televised fuck-ups elevated his game to historic levels this week.

After incorrectly saying that Hitler did not use chemical weapons in WWII, President Trump’s thumb-headed mouth piece referred to a concentration camp as a “Holocaust center.”

I’ve wondered about the actual intelligence level of Spicer for some time now.

I get it.

Not everyone in the Trump Administration is stupid, but surely that doesn’t disqualify Spicer from being a few fries short of a happy meal.

This is a guy who’s used the height of two separate stacks of paper as a core talking point.

Remember his first interaction with the press?

It’s gotten to the point where one can easily argue that Spicer at the very least is grossly incompetent.

And I don’t want to hear about him being a diversion. Likening concentration camps to giant Nazi Targets with “Holocaust Center” in block letters emblazoned on the front of the building is so laughably absurd that I literally had to make sure I was not tripping acid before accepting what he said as reality.

Personally, I think Trump has kept Spicer around to appease GOP brass and not look weak by firing his administration’s senior media White House official.

There’s also the possibility that Spicey’s clung to the gig so long because his gaffes are distractive explosions across all platforms of media.

Remember when Neil Gorsuch was sworn in to the Supreme Court?

Will this outrage override the revelations regarding Paul Manafort?

Regardless, I think if you have to call Sheldon Adelson and try to apologize to the entire Jewish people, you are probably going to be fired.

My guess is Trump gives him the axe within the next week.

Heads are already rolling and you might as well cut ties and distance yourself from a guy who you already are concerned looks too much like Melissa McCarthy anyway.

I will miss those sketches though.

Then again, the spice must flow.


One Less Steve On The NSC

Trump’s Chief Strategist Steve Bannon is off the National Security Council. That, at least, appears to be verifiable. The NSC published a new memorandum with the Federal Register detailing the council’s composition; Bannon is no longer listed as a member of the Principals Committee.

The “why?” is less clear, although there are a few theories that might pan out:

• Bannon “ensure[d] implementation of the president’s vision, including efforts to downsize and streamline operations.” Having done so, he moves on to his next task, which presumably involves restocking Trump’s pantry with Doritos. It doesn’t have the conspiratorial flair of so much of the discourse about the administration these days, but maybe there’s nothing more to the move than a mission accomplished.

• Or a purge accomplished. The NSC may be in a much more compliant state than it was in late January.

• Bannon was “keeping an eye on” Michael Flynn. Before he resigned in disgrace in mid-February, Flynn was in charge of the NSC. Given the unreliability of the man, perhaps the president wanted a close watch kept on the General. Internal spying is the new black in this administration.

• Bannon was installed to the Principals Committee to provide counterbalance to Flynn. Wacky Mike was proving to be a liability behind the scenes, and Trump wanted someone he trusted there to slow him down.

Russia. Russia Russia Russia, Russia Russia, Russia Russia Russia Russia. Russia? Russia.

• According to reporting by Ben Smith, Bannon and Flynn’s replacement H.R. McMaster have been butting heads for weeks. Depending on the severity of their conflicts, Bannon’s removal could be the political equivalent of a time out.

It may be some time before we know the truth of the situation. But now that Bannon no longer has to carve time out of his days to attend National Security Council meetings, he’ll finally be able to focus on his passions. Passions like figuring out how to legalize the expulsion of everyone he doesn’t like from the country.

(Year Zero/Day Seventy-Six)