We Now Go Live To The PepsiCo Board Of Directors Meeting

[Players: Indra K. Nooyi [CEO), Lloyd G. Trotter, Alberto Weisser, Darren Walker, Daniel Vasella, Robert C. Pohlad, David C. Page, William R. Johnson, Richard W. Fisher, Shona L. Brown, George W. Buckley, Cesar Conde, Ian M. Cook, Dina Dublon, Rona A. Fairhead]

Vasella: –and I said, “That’s not my father, that’s my butler!”

[The room erupts in laughter]

Nooyi: Daniel, you are too much. But seriously, we should address the elephant in the room.

Conde: (sighs) You mean the Jenner thing.

Nooyi: Yes, “the Jenner thing”. We really biffed it with that one, and we’ve been getting flack from all sides. The social justice warriors are still giving us shit, the alt-right is threatening to march against Pepsi, and Kendall’s lawyers keep threatening to sue if we don’t put it back on the air.

Brown: Spoiled brat.

Nooyi: That’s not the point. It’s been a PR nightmare. The idiot who greenlit that commercial has been fired. Still, we need to do something to reclaim the narrative. Any ideas?

Trotter: What if we donate a cent for every 12-pack we sell to Black Lives Matter?

Nooyi: Too controversial. Besides, I don’t like the idea of cutting into our bottom line.

Cook: I say we run the damned thing 24/7. If people are still talking about it, it’s got legs.

Nooyi: …Next.

Dublon: What if we build a time mach–

Fairhead: [Clears throat dramatically] My friends, we don’t need to do anything. We were just given a gift from the almighty! Oh sweet baby Jesus!

Nooyi: What do you mean?

Fairhead: If there was any doubt that God is a Pepsi lover, that doubt has been dispelled!

Nooyi: Well?

Fairhead: My phone lit up about five minutes ago. Even people I haven’t heard anything from in years are texting me! President Trump did an interview with the Associated Press that went completely off the rails, and — here, let me read the important part to you.

TRUMP: Somebody, yeah, somebody put out the concept of a hundred-day plan. But yeah. Well, I’m mostly there on most items. Go over the items, and I’ll talk to you …

(Crosstalk.)

TRUMP: But things change. There has to be flexibility. Let me give you an example. President Xi, we have a, like, a really great relationship. For me to call him a currency manipulator and then say, “By the way, I’d like you to solve the North Korean problem,” doesn’t work. So you have to have a certain flexibility, Number One. Number Two, from the time I took office till now, you know, it’s a very exact thing. It’s not like generalities. Do you want a Coke or anything?

AP: I’m OK, thank you. No. …

Buckley: Oh my God.

Fairhead: Now you get it. Coke couldn’t ask for a worse spokesman! The ghost of Hitler might as well have risen up from Hell, called a press conference and reminded everyone that Fanta used to be a fruit soda for Nazis. Sweet, sweet baby Jesus!

[The room erupts in applause]

Nooyi: Rona, you just saved us a lot of pointless bickering. Meeting adjourned. Let’s go celebrate until we puke. And remember, I don’t want to hear anyone forgetting to order a “Jack and Pepsi” unless you want my boot up your ass…

(Year Zero/Day Ninety-Five)