Moore’s The Pity

That I didn’t get to use that pun in a post bemoaning Alabama’s election of a man you wouldn’t trust to coach high school girls volleyball.

But I don’t mind being overly pessimistic at times, because once the worst case scenario is dispatched, whatever remains isn’t as bad.

Congratulations, Alabama. You didn’t  elect a known sexual predator. Just barely.

(Year Zero/Day Three Hundred and Twenty-Six)

I Think We All Know How This Ends

Today, Alabamans go to the polls for the special election to fill Jeff Sessions’ Senate seat. They deserve our sympathy; they’re shackled to either establishment Democrat Doug Jones or Roy Moore, a man who has been accused of serial child molestation.

It’s a tough choice for voters. On the one hand, Roy Moore wants to turn America into a theocracy, holds strong homophobic, nativist and xenophobic views, and thinks returning our country to the slavery system would “solve a lot of problems”. On the other hand, Moore was banned from a shopping mall for trying to pick up teenage girls.

Moore’s a cynical predator whose refusal to step down earned an endorsement from the president and renewed RNC funding, but no one will accuse him of being a liberal.

Welcome to the Senate, Judge Moore.

(Year Zero/Day Three Hundred and Twenty-Six)

5 Takeaways From Montana’s Special Election

Now that the results of Montana’s special House election have been digested, here are five takeaways from Republican Greg Gianforte’s victory.

Someone is foolishly allowing Montana’s rednecks to vote. Seasoned pollsters were left scratching their heads after liberal, tolerant Montana made a sharp and unexpected veer to the far right. Weren’t there supposed to be laws against this sort of thing? What was the point of the Yokel Exclusion Act of 2002 if officials announce what day the election falls on and poll workers allow just anyone into the voting booth?

Punching people is fun and has no political consequences. When Greg attacked that Guardian reporter it was awesome! Greg was like “Take your liberal reporter nonsense back to England!” and decked the guy. Pow! Bam! Political violence not only feels great in the moment – it also gets things done.

Nazis?! Greg Gianforte should know hanging out with Nazis is bad optics, yet he continues to spend his evenings saluting Hitler and listening to Screwdriver with his skinhead friends. Now that he’s in the House of Representatives, he’ll need to be a little more discreet about his white supremacy.

The big sky above the state is its own country. Little is known about the aerial kingdom above Montana, but residents report having seen a mighty fortress in the clouds, an enormous dog, a funny-looking human face, and on one memorable occasion, a shapely female buttocks. Local legend has it that the only way to appease the powerful sky giants is to love guns and freedom often and loudly.

We don’t really know what’s going on in Montana. We could take a Greyhound and scope the place out, but it’s kind of in the middle of nowhere. We’re not actually sure where it is on a map or why it exists.

If you know what a Montana is or why it doesn’t make the good votes, email us at riseofthelizardpeope [at] protonmail.com. If we approve of your hot take, we’ll send you an expired can of peaches and a box of matches with Bob Denver’s face on it.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Twenty-Seven)