Ten Fun Facts: Anthony Scaramucci Edition

Zealous use of pronfanity! The manners of a full-blown rabid dog! That weird squinty thing he does with his face! You’ve seen the way the West Wing’s new communications director Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci acts, but how much do you really know about the political equivalent of The Human Centipede?

1. Coming this summer, The Mooch! He shoots his mouth off with the regularity of a high-fiber diet, a trait that made his new boss fall in love with him. Donald Trump feels like he’s looking into a mirror when he’s around The Mooch, though in Trump’s opinion he’s much taller, smaller, better, the greatest, nobody can ever be as good as Donald, Donald is a winner. But nice try, kid! Keep it up and you might be president someday!

2. The Mooch is a big fan of Superman and the values he represents: Truth (eh), justice (meh) and the American way (capitalism?). One out of three values ain’t bad!

3. You’re never left guessing how The Mooch feels towards a particular individual. If you’re White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, you know he thinks you’re a “fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac” and that he wants to be Cain to your Abel. If you’re Steve Bannon, you can rest assured he holds the firm conviction that you’re “trying to suck [your] own cock.”

4. He will fire you and all your coworkers. He will hang you for treason. He will draw and quarter your dog and waterboard your great-grandmother. He’ll take you out to a fancy dinner and skip out when he sees the bill. He’ll sleep with your best friend and intentionally give them herpes. He’ll force you to drink castor oil if you look at him funny. His high fives will always go “down low” and he’ll invariably jerk his hand away before it can make contact, leaving you the aggrieved “too slow” party. When you die, he’ll piss on your grave.

5. The Mooch has been known to talk in third person. The Mooch has few close friends but a lot of money. The Mooch would never describe himself as “Napoleon on crack”. As a former Goldman Sachs banker and founder of the hedge fund SkyBridge Capital, The Mooch knows crack is for poor people.

6. The idiots in the press corps need to stop taking everything The Mooch says so literally. He’d never really murder anyone… if there was any chance he’d be caught.

7. He’ll stab you in the front! He’ll stab you in the back! He’ll stab you side to side! He’s a stabbing machine!

8. No one has ever been able to successfully convince The Mooch American Psycho is satire.

9. Mama Mia! Did you know The Mooch is of Italian descent? He only mentions it every five minutes. The origin of his (once again, Italian) family name is, shall we say, fitting:

Scaramuccia (literally “little skirmisher”), also known as Scaramouche or Scaramouch, is a stock clown character of the Italian commedia dell’arte (comic theatrical arts). The role combined characteristics of the zanni (servant) and the Capitano (masked henchman). Usually attired in black Spanish dress and burlesquing a don, he was often beaten by Harlequin for his boasting and cowardice.

10. The Mooch has been communications director for a week. In that time his flamboyant, bizarre, thuggish, hot-headed, cold-blooded personality has served a purpose Papa Don appreciates – people are talking about something other the “R” word. This guy’s the wind that blows the fucking cloud away!

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Ninety)

Ten Fun Facts: Marc Kasowitz Edition

This guy, this fucking guy, who does he think he is? He’s Donald Trump’s personal lawyer and he’s probably okay with cold-cocking women, children, puppies and camels… but how much do you really know about Marc Kasowitz?

1. Marc Kasowitz is under considerable strain right now. He’s been given a lot of important tasks in the past, like successfully pressuring the Jane Doe who accused Trump of raping her when she was 13 to drop her lawsuit days before the 2016 election – but this is different. He’s supposed to keep his friend in power and out of jail? That’s a lot to ask. Pressure builds. All the tension has to go somewhere. Sometimes he vents.

In the Wednesday night tirade, Kasowitz first responded to the man, saying: “F— you.”

Fifteen minutes of later, Kasowitz added a second barrage: “How dare you send me an email like that. I’m on you now. You are f— with me now. Let’s see who you are. Watch your back, bitch.”

In the exchange, which was first reported Thursday by ProPublica, Kasowitz appeared to threaten the man, saying, “I already know where you live, I’m on you… You will see me. I promise.”

The still-unidentified man at one point offered the retort: “Thank you for the kind reply.” Though he did forward the threats to the FBI.

2. Marc Kasowitz probably does know where you live. He represents the president and several other individuals with close ties to Vladimir Putin, so don’t fuck with him. Don’t think he’s joking. He doesn’t joke, shitheel.

3. Don’t tell anyone, but it was Marc who told Donnie to fire U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara. “This guy is going to get you” he’d advised, and when there was little reaction to Bharara’s firing from the chattering class, he celebrated with a scotch on the rocks.

4. Last month the rumor mill had it that he couldn’t get security clearance at the White House and was on the chopping block due to a little drinking problem. Utter horseshit. He and The Donald go way back, they’ve been through thick and thin, and no two-bit prick was going to piss all over his life like a Ruskie escort. It was a situation that needed finesse, is all, so he hired a PR flack who described himself as a mob fixer in his official bio to prop up his image. He celebrated with 8 scotches, neat.

5. Marc publicly apologizes for his tirade. What he wants to say is “I’m sorry I let such a worseless nothing get under my skin. I hope my PR guy helps him find a stylish pair of concrete shoes,” but he holds his tongue. He congratulates himself on his restraint with a four-pack of B&J.

6. One of the associates at his law firm jests that Kasowitz has an anger problem. Marc responds in good humor by throwing a telephone through his office window.

7. Marc’s teleconference with the president isn’t going well. News has emerged that at least eight people attended Junior’s infamous meeting, including a former KGB agent. Shit.

8. He had a bottle of Russian vodka in his office at Kasowitz Benson Torres, but it appears to have gone missing. He supposes he’ll have to make a beeline for the nearest bar.

9. Someone must have pilfered all the top shelf liquor in his house. No matter, it’s time to get creative. He celebrates his ingenuity by guzzling a full bottle of Listerine.

10. Who do you think you are, judging him that way. Yer just a nobody. A nobody! You wanna fight him about it? He’d like to see you try!

Or are you chicken?

That’s right, run away, punk. Run back to your shit job that doesn’t place to weight of the world on your shoulders. Yer not a reaaal man. Or woman. Whatever. It’s hard to see straight. Cocksucker.

Marc feels… dizzy. And a little pukey. Make that a lot pukey. Oh no, here it comes…

(Year Zero/Day One-Hundred and Seventy-Six)

Ten Fun Facts: Kellyanne Conway Edition

You’ve heard her coin tortured terms of phrase in defense of the indefensible on cable news shows, but how much do you know about Kellyanne Conway? How much do you really want to know about her life?

1. Kellyanne “loves” to “use” air “quotes” to “make” a “point”. It’s “definitely” not “super” “irritating”. She “knows” it “is” a “problem” but she “can’t” “stop”.

2. Some feminists have suggested Kellyanne should feel uncomfortable in a work environment with so few women. Far from it. She’s not like those other females who spend all their time hating men and reading stories about abortion on Jezebel. She’s cool! She laughs at fart jokes! She’s one of the guys!

3. Mrs. Conway’s husband George III was under consideration for a job at the Department of Justice until he withdrew his name. Then he went and mocked Trump’s travel ban on Twitter! You can bet she’s heard an earful from Boss Don. She wishes the men in her life would get along.

4. Can you spot which of these statements isn’t attributable to Conway?

a. “I like the fact that the president uses social media platforms to connect directly with Americans and in this case, what Sarah Sanders said yesterday is true, that the president normally does not draw first blood. He is a counterpuncher as he said on the campaign trail. There are personal attacks about his physicalities, about his fitness for office. He’s called a goon, thug, mentally ill, talking about dementia, armchair psychologists all over television every day. It doesn’t help the American people to have a president covered in this light. I’m sorry. It’s neither productive nor patriotic. The toxicity is over the top.”

b. “I bet it’s brand new information to people that President Obama had a six-month ban on the Iraqi refugee program after two Iraqis came here to this country, were radicalised and they were the masterminds behind the Bowling Green massacre. Most people don’t know that because it didn’t get covered.”

c. “Medicaid is intended for the poor, the needy, and the sick. And what it has done is, under Obamacare, it has expanded the Medicaid pool of people who, quote, qualified beyond that. So if you have an able-bodied American who again is not poor, sick, needy — we’re not talking about the elderly who benefit, the children, the pregnant women, the disabled — if you’re able-bodied and you would like to go find employment and have employer-sponsored benefits, then you should be able to do that, and maybe you belong, as Secretary Price has made clear, in other places.”

d. “You’re saying it’s a falsehood. And they’re giving — Sean Spicer, our press secretary — gave alternative facts.”

Whatever you guessed is incorrect. They’re all Conway’s, and she’s damned proud of the work she’s doing.

5. While she wasn’t 100% sold on the Donald when she started working for him, she’s come to appreciate how much of a man’s man he is. She’d do anything for her president. Lie, cheat, steal, forge documents, murder… Ooo! Can she commit a murder? She bets if she asks nicely he’ll let her ice one of those traitorous media buffoons. Working at the White House has its perks.

6. At the same time, Kellyanne likes to think she and her friends are performing a public service by subtly pushing the president to create controversy. Sometimes she has to remind him to watch cable news. Before long, wouldn’t you know it, the media is all over his tweets while completely forgetting what the GOP’s agenda really is. Congress has to know what her team is up to. That’s why they never do anything about it.

7. Don and Steve Bannon are talking about how to implement martial law in case of a large terrorist attack on American soil. The conversation is soooo boring. She excuses herself from the meeting so she can get some real work done.

8. Before she leaves for the night, Kellyanne Conway stops by Sean Spicer’s office. Sean is interviewing a potential replacement press secretary on Skype, but he waves for her to have a seat.

“I like the benefits package,” the interviewee is saying, “but I hear the White House is a hostile work environment. I’m not sure I want to jump into that hot mess.”

“Oh no,” Sean grins assuagingly. “You don’t believe all that fake news, do you?”

Just then, Steve Bannon pops in. “Hey, you weepy little fatso!” Bannon bellows. “If you’ve touched my talking points I’m going to ream you with a fish hook so hard you’ll never be able to shit right again!”

Sean just stares at Steve, mouth agape. When he looks back at his laptop, the Skype call has ended.

9. Kellyanne promises to take Sean out for ice cream the next day to get him to stop crying. “Okay, but it had better be REAL ice cream!” he blubbers.

10. Questions about truth and morality threaten to keep her up at night, especially when George is snoring. Tonight’s crisis of conscience is averted when she remembers a lewd joke about female genitalia the president told her when he was sure no recording devices were around. Trump is so outrageous! Bemused, Kellyanne rests her head back on her pillow, and in a matter of moments is snoring right along with her husband.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Sixty-Two)

Ten Fun Facts: Sheriff David Clarke Edition

You’ve seen him stump for Trump and dutifully serve as the GOP’s go-to guy for attacking Black Lives Matter, but how much do you really know about Sheriff David Clarke?

1. David Clarke has accepted a job as deputy secretary at the Department of Homeland Security. Due to the unpresidented opposition against the Swampdrainer-in-Chief, he’s been warned the process may drag out a bit. He can wait. He knows what’s at stake.

2. Wow. As soon as word got out about the job offer, his enemies started trying to suicide-bomb his public image. The low-down dirty rotten scoundrels are claiming Dave plagiarized his Masters Thesis. It’s an odious lie, of course. If the haters think they can terrorize his big opportunity without consequence, they’re wrong. They’re probably in league with actual terrorists. ISIS is behind this, he just knows it.

3. While the complicit liberal press is aiding those Allah-obsessed fruitcakes, he’s still Sheriff of Milwaukie County, Wisonsin. Pretty cool, right? Not just anyone gets to be sheriff. He likes to think he does a swell job of laying down the law, but all the enemies of freedom want to talk about…

4. …is that dead baby. You let one baby die under your protection and suddenly you’re the bad guy. No one every brings up all the jail babies that lived through the night!

5. As far as Dave is concerned, jihadist thugs are grasping at straws now. It’s a feeble gesture, shellacking him over his consent decree violations. Is 16,662 a lot? He doesn’t think so.

6. The Sheriff Supreme has an elegant plan for our shining city on a hill. It’s breathtaking in its scope and its purity of purpose. No longer will the enemies in our midst pollute the minds of good Christian folk. They will be dealt with in a manner befitting their high treason.

It is not surprising that Clarke rejects out of hand any criticism of police misconduct. But his disdain for criminal-justice reform is not merely avocational. Clarke’s mind is organized around a worship of the virtues of physical force, combined with a seething intolerance for democratic dissent. In his book, Clarke proposes that the Department of Homeland Security — the department that he has been nominated to serve — assume police-state powers to round up internal enemies. “I suggest that our commander in chief ought to utilize Article I, Section 9 and take all of these individuals that are suspected, these ones on the internet spewing jihadi rhetoric … to scoop them up, charge them with treason and, under habeas corpus, detain them indefinitely at Gitmo,” he writes. Clarke estimates that the number of people to be rounded up in such fashion runs into “hundreds of thousands,” or “maybe a million.” Clarke is clear in his belief that the legal principles that have served as a bedrock against state abuse for centuries should be discarded. He would “hold them indefinitely under a suspension of habeas corpus” because “[b]old and aggressive action is needed.”

It is important to understand that these policies, even as extreme as they are, cannot be understood even merely as a radical extension of anti-terror policies, or misplaced fear of the terrorist threat. Clarke’s understanding of domestic terrorism runs far beyond radical jihadists. He has predicted that Black Lives Matter will “join forces with ISIS,” and on multiple occasions described the group as a terror organization. The protesters do not “care about black lives. They care about their own radical ideology of terrorism: anarchy.” Clarke insists Black Lives Matter “needs to be crushed.”

7. What’s taking so long? Dave has stood firm against the onslaught of savages who want to make America part of the global caliphate, but it would nice if he could pencil in the start date of his DHS gig on his calendar.

8. If Clarke allows himself one weakness, it’s his love of decorative medals. He likes to look good. It’s not like that’s a crime.

9. Dave’s getting testy. He thought this was a done deal! Unless you want to get punched, now’s not a good time to bring bring up that time he lost a staring contest. The sheriff doesn’t like to be reminded of his losses. He’s a winner! He was just tired that day, is all.

10. And speaking of tired, Clarke is tired of waiting around for approval from the Feds. He’s not taking the job with the Department of Homeland Security after all. It would have been an interesting experience but he’s needed in Wisconsin.  He can fight all those Black Lives ISIS terrorists without all the bureaucratic red tape in the Badger State. Your loss, Washington. Good luck trying to turn this great country into a full-blown police state without him.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Fifty)

Ten Fun Facts: The American Healthcare System

We’ve all had to use it at some point in our lives, unless you a) recently arrived in America from another country, b) are immortal and immune to all injury and disease or c) see a woods witch for all your healthcare needs (If it’s the third option, you’ve probably seen your share of poultices). But how much do you really know about the dizzying orgy of patients, physicians, hospital administrators, insurance companies, pharmaceutical giants and regulatory agencies?

1. America’s healthcare system won’t be single-payer at any time in the foreseeable future, even if Donald Trump just praised Australia’s universal health care. Yeah, no. The aforementioned insurers and pharmaceutical giants make too much money under the existing schema to allow for momentous change that hurts their bottom line.

Then there’s the question of demographics. Baby Boomers are reliable voters, and many of them are frightened out of their wits by the very idea of socialism. They’ll resist single-payer to their dying breath.

2. Ironically, their death rattles will come sooner in a scenario that makes their well-being a privilege instead of a right.

3. After consulting with every part of the medical infrastructure under the sun, President Barack Obama signed the significantly compromised Affordable Care Act into law in 2010. The ACA nonetheless took significant steps to insure the previously uninsured, reigned in the amount a patient owed for procedures and barred discriminatory pricing and exclusion of coverage for individuals with preexisting conditions. The ACA repeal bill the House passed Thursday was written by three surly trolls without the consent or approval of the medical establishment and seeks to undo all of the above.

4. The House’s ACA repeal bill considers sexual assault to be a preexisting condition. And domestic abuse. And C sections? Basically, “don’t be a woman” seems to be the GOP’s reasoning concerning these matters.

5. Additional tips for making the most of the best country in the world’s health care: don’t get old, sick.

6. America is the only modern Western industrialized nation that hasn’t got its act together for single payer. At least we’re great at throwing money at sub-nuclear bombs like the MOAB!

7. Taking up smoking is an excellent way to reduce the amount of money those bastards can bilk out of you. This also works for student loan debt.

8. If the Senate and president Trump sign off on repealing the ACA and replacing it with something resembling the disaster the GOP shat out, all but the most wealthy among us will suffer the consequences.

9. Should you be immortal, please consider donating blood and tissue samples to science so that humanity can benefit from your miraculous existence. Unless, you’re like, a vampire? Keep that shit to yourself, parasite.

10. To seek the aid of a woods witch, go deep into the forest. When you’ve abandoned hope of finding her or your way home, her humble cottage will appear. Knock politely upon her door. She doesn’t like loud knockers. She will ask you what the magic word is. It is vitally important you do not forget this word or she will teleport you to the top of Mount Vinson. The magic word is “Zanzibar”. Upon entry, you will notice the interior’s dimensions far exceed the height and width of the cottage you espied mere moments before. Do not be alarmed. It’s poultice time!

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Six)