We’ve all had to use it at some point in our lives, unless you a) recently arrived in America from another country, b) are immortal and immune to all injury and disease or c) see a woods witch for all your healthcare needs (If it’s the third option, you’ve probably seen your share of poultices). But how much do you really know about the dizzying orgy of patients, physicians, hospital administrators, insurance companies, pharmaceutical giants and regulatory agencies?
1. America’s healthcare system won’t be single-payer at any time in the foreseeable future, even if Donald Trump just praised Australia’s universal health care. Yeah, no. The aforementioned insurers and pharmaceutical giants make too much money under the existing schema to allow for momentous change that hurts their bottom line.
Then there’s the question of demographics. Baby Boomers are reliable voters, and many of them are frightened out of their wits by the very idea of socialism. They’ll resist single-payer to their dying breath.
2. Ironically, their death rattles will come sooner in a scenario that makes their well-being a privilege instead of a right.
3. After consulting with every part of the medical infrastructure under the sun, President Barack Obama signed the significantly compromised Affordable Care Act into law in 2010. The ACA nonetheless took significant steps to insure the previously uninsured, reigned in the amount a patient owed for procedures and barred discriminatory pricing and exclusion of coverage for individuals with preexisting conditions. The ACA repeal bill the House passed Thursday was written by three surly trolls without the consent or approval of the medical establishment and seeks to undo all of the above.
4. The House’s ACA repeal bill considers sexual assault to be a preexisting condition. And domestic abuse. And C sections? Basically, “don’t be a woman” seems to be the GOP’s reasoning concerning these matters.
5. Additional tips for making the most of the best country in the world’s health care: don’t get old, sick.
7. Taking up smoking is an excellent way to reduce the amount of money those bastards can bilk out of you. This also works for student loan debt.
8. If the Senate and president Trump sign off on repealing the ACA and replacing it with something resembling the disaster the GOP shat out, all but the most wealthy among us will suffer the consequences.
9. Should you be immortal, please consider donating blood and tissue samples to science so that humanity can benefit from your miraculous existence. Unless, you’re like, a vampire? Keep that shit to yourself, parasite.
10. To seek the aid of a woods witch, go deep into the forest. When you’ve abandoned hope of finding her or your way home, her humble cottage will appear. Knock politely upon her door. She doesn’t like loud knockers. She will ask you what the magic word is. It is vitally important you do not forget this word or she will teleport you to the top of Mount Vinson. The magic word is “Zanzibar”. Upon entry, you will notice the interior’s dimensions far exceed the height and width of the cottage you espied mere moments before. Do not be alarmed. It’s poultice time!
(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Six)