See What America Searched For In 2017

Through its “Year in Search 2017”, Google Trends positions itself as the finger on the beating pulse of the interests of our country’s internet users. And while they have the data, their data consists only of the words people physically typed out.

That’s where Rise of the Lizard People comes in. Using a method known only to ourselves that we won’t bother to explain, we’ve gathered the top feelings and thoughts driving frantic Google searches of two-thirds of Americans as the year went sideways and rolled off a cliff.


1. Oh god we’re all going to die aren’t we?

2. I’ll probably be paying for porn again now that the Internet is no longer free.

3. Are there any male public figures who *aren’t* complete scumbags?

4. That’s a lot of hurricanes.

5. Oh good, another horrible mass shooting. This seems fine.


1. Are we sure this puffy cheeto is actually in charge?

2. Paul Ryan has a smirk that needs to be wiped off his stupid face.

3. I’d forgotten all about Aaron Hernandez.

4. Poor Melania. But then, she did marry him, didn’t she?

5. Mile Ye-uh… hmm. Milo Yoknowpolice… hmm. There we go. Thanks, Google’s auto-populate feature!


1. Nazis. Actual Nazis. And the president appears to be okay with this.

2. You’d have to be an idiot to go blind staring at the solar eclipse. I’m just going to double check what not to do so I’m not one of those idiots.

3. Bitcoin will make me obscenely rich, I just know it…

4. Remember when social media used to be fun?

5. This will be the last upsetting article I read before I go to sleep, I swear.

How to…

1. Become wealthy so net neutrality’s repeal doesn’t affect me.

2. Get rich so I’m not on the wrong side of tax reform.

3. Make so much money I can afford health care in America.

4. Seek refugee status in Canada.

5. Stock a bunker with enough supplies to last me the next 3 – 7 years.

What is…

1. That feeling where you want to scream but if you start then you’ll never stop screaming?

2. A spinning fidget?

3. The point of being the richest nation in the world if we’re working so hard to deny the poor housing and medicine?

4. Anti-fun? Oh, wait, no, it’s “Antifa”. Are you sure it’s pronounced like that?

5. The year where Baby Boomers will be too old to hold political office?

(Year Zero/Day Three Hundred and Thirty-Four)

Are You Scared Of Nuclear War With North Korea? You Shouldn’t Be.

Even North Korea hawks are on edge these days as tensions rise to operatic levels. DJT’s latest effort at velvet glove diplomacy ended in something like this:

Referring to North Korea’s volatile leader, Kim Jong-un, Mr. Trump said, “he has been very threatening beyond a normal state, and as I said, they will be met with fire and fury, and frankly power the likes of which this world has never seen before.”

Okay, so it ended exactly like that. We always knew Baby Boomers were going to go out kicking and screaming, we just didn’t know they were going to take the rest of us out with them. We are, it seems, careening towards a dangerous confrontation between a bloodthirsty lunatic and whatever you want to call Kim Jong Un.

Have you ever seen Miracle Mile? It’s an older movie, but its central theme is still relevant. When the bombs come, there’s little anyone can do to prevent their destruction.

But here’s the silver lining, a point of view that the scaremongers have largely ignored. Yes, North Korea’s ICBM’s are now capable of reaching Alaska. But it’s Alaska, which is a barely a state and full of criminals, cops who can’t get any shut-eye, ol’ Timey prospectors, vampires and Sarah Palin.

And sure, now North Korea’s regime is threatening to take out Guam, but to be honest, a plurality of Americans don’t even know Guam is a thing. It’s an unincorporated blip on the national consciousness.

This kind of news could fill your heart with terror, if you let it. It’s been a couple decades since we’ve really been collectively afraid of being blasted to smithereens, so maybe we’re due. And while some of us, like ROTLP’s own ThePiedSpicer, are fleeing to their leftist militarized bunkers, I see no benefit in hiding from our fate.

Say you’re lucky(?) enough to live in an area spared from the nuclear holocaust and its deleterious effects. What then? Most likely a World War I-style calling in of international alliances followed by a brutal, pointless bloodbath.

No thanks.

Bring on that sweet atomic death, I say. And while we’re waiting, crack open a cold one, go see a movie, have a frantic orgy — whatever it is your heart desires. We’ve all got to die sometime, so we might as well go out on a high note.

Big Ideas, Bad Ideas

From the Department of Big, Bold Ideas: Imagine an impenetrable cyber security unit tasked with safeguarding democratic institutions against the threats of politically motivated hacking. Now envision this as a partnership between two countries with a vast trove of resources and the undeniable ability to influence events on the world stage. This would be a powerful alliance — were the suggested alliance not between the United States and Russia.

* * *

Has the new civil war started yet, or…? If there’s one hiccup in the not-so-secret hopes of the nattering nutcases of nationalism, it’s that the second civil war they’ve been gunning for since they first scored a tattered copy of The Turner Diaries stubbornly refuses to start on their timeline. No matter. Their thinking seems to be if they talk up the worldview that it’s already begun, or is about to begin, and pepper their formentations with ahistorical references to burning down the Bastille, their words will become bullet-riddled flesh. How did the French Revolution eventually pan out for the revolutionaries, anyway? My American public school education precludes me from knowing the answer to that question.

(Year Zero/One Hundred and Seventy-One)

The Way America Feels Right Now Can Only Be Expressed In Unmetererd Verse

How do we feel?
What a stupid question to ask
Is there a chance you’ve been living under a rock?

Like our breaks have just failed
and the steering wheel won’t turn
The walls lining the racetrack are coming up fast

If feelings were numbers
the numbers are frightened
42 for alarm
33 for unease
A crowd of 11 are cheering the chaos
They brought popcorn and bad beer
to watch the cars crash

The harsh grind of metal
and the breaking of glass
are a sweet lullaby
to the pricks in the stands

How do we feel?
Like we’re trapped in the wreckage
The engine’s engulfed in Halloween flames
Now our faces are bleeding
And our organs puréed
Are leg bones supposed to jut out at such a sharp angle?

No pit crew has rushed forward
So we guess we’ll just die here
If the smoke doesn’t kill us
The fire will soon

The mad crowd keeps cheering
as the world fades around us
The last words that we choke out
Are get bent, you daft fucks

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Sixty One)