EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Memorandum From Witchfinder General Robert Mueller

The following memorandum was leaked to Rise Of The Lizard People early this morning by an old-fashioned gentleman in a tall hat who smelled of smoke. Having confirmed its veracity through the usual method of haruspicy, we can now enter its unabridged contents into the public record.

To my esteemed colleagues 
From the office of Witchfinder General Robert Mueller
July 14, 2017
Re: The capture and questioning of servants of Lucifer being sheltered by known wizard Donald Trump, as well as certain steps to be taken, precipitated by public knowledge of our activities

Perforce reports that our investigation has turned to the president himself, we must needs proceed with the utmost caution. He rightly recognizes we are hunting witches, wizards and other liegers of the devil. Given the compacts Trump has entered into with the hosts of Hell, I fear both for my removal from office and my personal safety. We walk a perilous path but must not doubt our cause is for the benefit of the whole country.

Should the knavery of the adversary injure our mission or some ill befall me, know I am merely one humble servant of the Almighty among many. All witchfinders must be prepared to continue their work without official sanction. We, like the early Christians of Rome, will grope through the darkness of catacombs in search of the light of enternal truth.

I must insist again that, on the contingency the devil’s imps drag me to the inferno below, you continue the odyssey to locate and destroy the Orbis Arabem. This arcane device is the chief instrument of the president’s reign, and, I hope, his downfall. We can test the bouyancy and combustability of a thousand thousand comely friends of the wizard Donald, but all will be for naught should we fail to execute this holy task.

In the service of angels,


(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Forty-Seven)