Zealous use of pronfanity! The manners of a full-blown rabid dog! That weird squinty thing he does with his face! You’ve seen the way the West Wing’s new communications director Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci acts, but how much do you really know about the political equivalent of The Human Centipede?
1. Coming this summer, The Mooch! He shoots his mouth off with the regularity of a high-fiber diet, a trait that made his new boss fall in love with him. Donald Trump feels like he’s looking into a mirror when he’s around The Mooch, though in Trump’s opinion he’s much taller, smaller, better, the greatest, nobody can ever be as good as Donald, Donald is a winner. But nice try, kid! Keep it up and you might be president someday!
2. The Mooch is a big fan of Superman and the values he represents: Truth (eh), justice (meh) and the American way (capitalism?). One out of three values ain’t bad!
3. You’re never left guessing how The Mooch feels towards a particular individual. If you’re White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, you know he thinks you’re a “fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac” and that he wants to be Cain to your Abel. If you’re Steve Bannon, you can rest assured he holds the firm conviction that you’re “trying to suck [your] own cock.”
4. He will fire you and all your coworkers. He will hang you for treason. He will draw and quarter your dog and waterboard your great-grandmother. He’ll take you out to a fancy dinner and skip out when he sees the bill. He’ll sleep with your best friend and intentionally give them herpes. He’ll force you to drink castor oil if you look at him funny. His high fives will always go “down low” and he’ll invariably jerk his hand away before it can make contact, leaving you the aggrieved “too slow” party. When you die, he’ll piss on your grave.
5. The Mooch has been known to talk in third person. The Mooch has few close friends but a lot of money. The Mooch would never describe himself as “Napoleon on crack”. As a former Goldman Sachs banker and founder of the hedge fund SkyBridge Capital, The Mooch knows crack is for poor people.
6. The idiots in the press corps need to stop taking everything The Mooch says so literally. He’d never really murder anyone… if there was any chance he’d be caught.
7. He’ll stab you in the front! He’ll stab you in the back! He’ll stab you side to side! He’s a stabbing machine!
8. No one has ever been able to successfully convince The Mooch American Psycho is satire.
9. Mama Mia! Did you know The Mooch is of Italian descent? He only mentions it every five minutes. The origin of his (once again, Italian) family name is, shall we say, fitting:
Scaramuccia (literally “little skirmisher”), also known as Scaramouche or Scaramouch, is a stock clown character of the Italian commedia dell’arte (comic theatrical arts). The role combined characteristics of the zanni (servant) and the Capitano (masked henchman). Usually attired in black Spanish dress and burlesquing a don, he was often beaten by Harlequin for his boasting and cowardice.
10. The Mooch has been communications director for a week. In that time his flamboyant, bizarre, thuggish, hot-headed, cold-blooded personality has served a purpose Papa Don appreciates – people are talking about something other the “R” word. This guy’s the wind that blows the fucking cloud away!
(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Ninety)