A Banquet Partaken In Anxiety

Freiderich A. Boomerton, PhD: Good afternoon, Alex. Do you know why you’re here?

Alex Bush: Yeah, sure. Because my parents are soooo concerned that their 17-year-old daughter has crippling anxiety attacks they sent her to a shitty psychiatrist–

Dr. Boomerton: Language!

Alex: Don’t worry, that’s all you’re getting out of me. I don’t want to be here.

Dr. Boomerton: But you’re already in my office, Alex. You might as well tell me what’s going on. I can help.


Are you struggling at school?


Being a teenager is hard. You feel like an adult, but no one treats you like one. And you’re body goes through rapid changes, which can trigger anxiety and depression…


Maybe you’re having problems with your boyfriend? Or girlfriend?

Alex: Girlfriend. And we’re fine.

Dr. Boomerton: Then what’s the problem?

Alex: I can’t tell you.

Dr. Boomerton: You can tell me anything. I’m ethically bound not to tell your parents.

Alex: Okay, it’s more like I won’t tell you. You’re one of them.

Dr. Boomerton: One of “them”?! One of who, Alex?

Alex: Baby Boomers. You’re the reason I feel this way.

Dr. Boomerton: Now I hardly think–

Alex: You ruined everything, didn’t you? You didn’t give a single thought to anyone but yourselves, and then you have the temerity to act surprised that the world is now a raging garbage fire!

Dr. Boomerton: That’s quite the extensive vocabulary you have for someone your age.

Alex: Yeah, I know, Dr. Condescendo. I’ve already been accepted to NYU for the fall. But I’m not even sure if it’s worth it, ’cause no one can afford to live in New York anymore and I’d owe more than I can earn in ten years to graduate. And stop deflecting.

Dr. Boomerton: Taking on debt is part of becoming a responsible ad–

Alex: Gonna stop you right there. Your kind went to college for basically nothing, then burned the bridge behind you. Responsible? Let me tell you what the Boomers are responsible for. The Great Recession.

Dr. Boomerton: Come on now–

Alex: The Tea Party–

Dr. Boomerton: You can’t be serious.

Alex: Skyrocketing rents, stagnating wages–

Dr. Boomerton: Maybe you’re anxious because–

Alex: And the worst–

Dr. Boomerton: –you’re reading Karl Marx instead of hanging out with friends–


Dr. Boomerton: –like a well adjusted teenager. Maybe you just need–

Alex: –is Donald Trump, the last squalid fuck-up of the Boomers before dementia and death take you away.

Dr. Boomerton: –to smoke some weed. Relaaaax.

Alex: Why am I anxious? Because he’s intent on blowing up the health insurance market. My dad has diabetes. I almost lost my mom to breast cancer last year. This could ruin them. This could kill them!

This is assuming we’re not all blown to bits first.

Gee, why would I be anxious?

Dr. Boomerton: Time’s up.

Alex: No kidding.

(Year Zero/Day Two Hundred and Sixty-Six)