Hey Mitch, Turn That CBO Frown Upside Down

ROTLP is pleased to announce the formation of its own political PR company.

Risen Lizard is a joint venture with several unnamed former Clinton lobbyists who now schlep for the Trump agenda. To show Washington movers and shakers the kind of spin Risen Lizard can offer, we’re giving this one-time-only freebie to Mitch McConnell. Poor Mitch has something of a revolt on his hands over the Senate health care bill – here are some talking points that will turn things around in no time.

    • 22 million people won’t be deprived of their insurance, they’ll finally be freed from Big Government interference with the continued beating of their hearts.
    • The health care vote wasn’t postponed until after the 4th of July because GOP senators are rebelling. It was gently relocated to give Republicans more time to spend with their families, loving America.
    • The president misspoke when he called the bill “mean”. He meant to say “A welcome salve on the wound Obamacare has inflicted on the American people.” Yeah, that sounds more like him.
    • Drafting the Senate healthcare reform bill wasn’t done in secret because there was something to hide! The Republicans want everyone to know they’ve always hated the Medicaid expansion. Being of firm convictions, they’re willing to stand by their ideals, even when they’re unpopular. If you disagree with these men and women of principle, you’re welcome to vote for someone else come Election Day.

Are you on the wrong side of history, but you need someone to spin history ’round and ’round until it’s too dizzy to discern which side is which? Risen Lizard can do all that and more! Send an email to riseofthelizardpeople@protonmail.com to request our services. Please keep in mind that at this time we only accept payment through Swiss bank accounts and Diners Club cards.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Fifty-Nine)

Senate Slowdown Monday, No Recess For Poor Performers, And More

If Senate Republicans insist on working on their health care bill in secret, Democrats will do everything in their power to protest this turn of events. Their limited, limited power…

Democrats can grind the Senate to a virtual halt, and that’s what they plan to do beginning Monday afternoon as they protest the GOP secretive push to revamp the nation’s health-care system.

Under the direction of Minority Leader Charles Schumer, Democrats will begin using parliamentary tactics to disrupt the ordinary business of the Senate, including blocking requests for unanimous consent to consider nominees and legislation and preventing committees from holding hearings that last longer than two hours. In the evening, Democratic senators will hold the floor to deliver speeches assailing Republicans for writing and debating their health-care bill behind closed doors.

Having accomplished little of value so far this year, Congress is considering cancelling its August recess.

Remember when liberals pinned their hopes on Ivanka’s moderating influence on her father because she’s a decent human being or something? LOL.

The only way to get the president to care about HIV is to temporarily rename the virus ‘Donald Trump’.

Have you ever wondered what anarchists will admit in private but never publically repeat?

Hail Satan.

Your monthly reminder from The Intercept to wet yourself in fear:

Indeed we should be prepared for security shocks to be exploited as excuses to increase the rounding up and incarceration of large numbers of people from the communities this administration is already targeting: Latino immigrants, Muslims, Black Lives Matter organizers, climate activists, investigative journalists. It’s all possible. And in the name of freeing the hands of law enforcement to fight terrorism, Attorney General Jeff Sessions would have the excuse he’d been looking for to do away with federal oversight of state and local police, especially those that have been accused of systemic racial abuses.

And there is no doubt that the president would seize on any domestic terrorist attack to blame the courts. He made this perfectly clear when he tweeted, after his first travel ban was struck down: “Just cannot believe a judge would put our country in such peril. If something happens blame him and court system.” And on the night of the London Bridge attack, he went even further, tweeting: “We need the courts to give us back our rights. We need the Travel Ban as an extra level of safety!” In a context of public hysteria and recrimination that would surely follow an attack in the U.S., the kind of courage we witnessed from the courts in response to Trump’s travel bans might well be in shorter supply.

And now for some news that has nothing to do with America:

An orthodox priest allied with Vladimir Putin has a very special message about beard care. The Kremlin, meanwhile, has been dealing with the first concerted anti-corruption protests in five years.

Tunisia’s national railway has opened an investigation into whether a hungry conductor stopped his train to buy peaches.

China’s supercomputers are still super.

The Macaroon made out well in France’s parliamentary elections, though turnout was lower than the presidential elections now that the spectre of Lady Hitler has been vanquished.

It’s day one hundred and fifty-one in Donald Trump’s America…

Ten Fun Facts: The American Healthcare System

We’ve all had to use it at some point in our lives, unless you a) recently arrived in America from another country, b) are immortal and immune to all injury and disease or c) see a woods witch for all your healthcare needs (If it’s the third option, you’ve probably seen your share of poultices). But how much do you really know about the dizzying orgy of patients, physicians, hospital administrators, insurance companies, pharmaceutical giants and regulatory agencies?

1. America’s healthcare system won’t be single-payer at any time in the foreseeable future, even if Donald Trump just praised Australia’s universal health care. Yeah, no. The aforementioned insurers and pharmaceutical giants make too much money under the existing schema to allow for momentous change that hurts their bottom line.

Then there’s the question of demographics. Baby Boomers are reliable voters, and many of them are frightened out of their wits by the very idea of socialism. They’ll resist single-payer to their dying breath.

2. Ironically, their death rattles will come sooner in a scenario that makes their well-being a privilege instead of a right.

3. After consulting with every part of the medical infrastructure under the sun, President Barack Obama signed the significantly compromised Affordable Care Act into law in 2010. The ACA nonetheless took significant steps to insure the previously uninsured, reigned in the amount a patient owed for procedures and barred discriminatory pricing and exclusion of coverage for individuals with preexisting conditions. The ACA repeal bill the House passed Thursday was written by three surly trolls without the consent or approval of the medical establishment and seeks to undo all of the above.

4. The House’s ACA repeal bill considers sexual assault to be a preexisting condition. And domestic abuse. And C sections? Basically, “don’t be a woman” seems to be the GOP’s reasoning concerning these matters.

5. Additional tips for making the most of the best country in the world’s health care: don’t get old, sick.

6. America is the only modern Western industrialized nation that hasn’t got its act together for single payer. At least we’re great at throwing money at sub-nuclear bombs like the MOAB!

7. Taking up smoking is an excellent way to reduce the amount of money those bastards can bilk out of you. This also works for student loan debt.

8. If the Senate and president Trump sign off on repealing the ACA and replacing it with something resembling the disaster the GOP shat out, all but the most wealthy among us will suffer the consequences.

9. Should you be immortal, please consider donating blood and tissue samples to science so that humanity can benefit from your miraculous existence. Unless, you’re like, a vampire? Keep that shit to yourself, parasite.

10. To seek the aid of a woods witch, go deep into the forest. When you’ve abandoned hope of finding her or your way home, her humble cottage will appear. Knock politely upon her door. She doesn’t like loud knockers. She will ask you what the magic word is. It is vitally important you do not forget this word or she will teleport you to the top of Mount Vinson. The magic word is “Zanzibar”. Upon entry, you will notice the interior’s dimensions far exceed the height and width of the cottage you espied mere moments before. Do not be alarmed. It’s poultice time!

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Six)