EXCLUSIVE: Intercepted Phone Call Between Ivanka Trump And Donald Trump Jr. [Transcript]

Unless we’re hopelessly clueless about how laws work, collusion with a hostile foreign government is not a good look for Donald Trump Jr.

It can only get worse for him. The following phone call between Ivanka and Donald Jr. was intercepted this morning by operatives of an intelligence agency that prefers to remain nameless. These kindly spooks passed the transcript along to Rise Of The Lizard People along with what appears to be a child’s drawing of a happy family with Godzilla in the background. That was probably passed along by mistake, but we’re comforted to know even spies have fulfilling lives outside the office.

[INTERCEPT 71117/0807EST]
[Call by #<redacted> to #<redacted>]

Donald Trump, Jr.: Hello?

Ivanka Trump: You stupid asshole, you actually left email evidence of your interest in a federal crime? Are you trying to destroy this family on purpose?

Donald Jr.: Good morning to you too, sister. Don’t get started with your holier-than-thou routine. I’ve lawyered up. He’s a rock star of the legal world.

Ivanka: No, he’s a MOB LAWYER. For MOBSTERS.

Donald Jr.: But…

Ivanka: What are you not getting, fuckwit? This is bad. You mentioned Jared and– Mommy’s on the phone! Are we done with our mandarin lessons? No we aren’t! We don’t get to eat breakfast unless we can ask for it in mandarin! Sorry. Except not sorry, because you’re a moron. The New York Times is fucking us and it’s all your fault.

Donald Jr.: Now wait a minute–

Ivanka: Did I say you could talk? You might as well have emailed “YES HELLO RUSSIAN SPIES I AM VERY EXCITED TO BE WORKING WITH OVERLORD PUTIN. MY FATHER DONALD TRUMP AND I LOVE THE MANY ILLEGAL AND TREASONOUS THINGS WE WILL BE DOING. ALSO I WILL MENTION IVANKA’S BEAUTIFUL HUSBAND IS ATTENDING THE MEETING TO MAKE HER LIFE MORE DIFFICULT.” The best thing you can do now is shut up and hunker down — wait, why is CNN saying you made the emails publicly available?

Donald Jr.: Because you wouldn’t stop laying into me. You should know I’m not to be trifled with. Hope Jared enjoys the renewed public scrutiny!

Ivanka: You’re a waste of flesh. This is why I’m daddy’s favorite. I hope you rot in prison – and not a fancy penitentiary. One with poor people! You won’t even be allowed to slick your hair…

Donald Jr.: Enough! I’m not going to take your abuse. First of all, princess, fuck y–


(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Seventy-Three)

Senate Slowdown Monday, No Recess For Poor Performers, And More

If Senate Republicans insist on working on their health care bill in secret, Democrats will do everything in their power to protest this turn of events. Their limited, limited power…

Democrats can grind the Senate to a virtual halt, and that’s what they plan to do beginning Monday afternoon as they protest the GOP secretive push to revamp the nation’s health-care system.

Under the direction of Minority Leader Charles Schumer, Democrats will begin using parliamentary tactics to disrupt the ordinary business of the Senate, including blocking requests for unanimous consent to consider nominees and legislation and preventing committees from holding hearings that last longer than two hours. In the evening, Democratic senators will hold the floor to deliver speeches assailing Republicans for writing and debating their health-care bill behind closed doors.

Having accomplished little of value so far this year, Congress is considering cancelling its August recess.

Remember when liberals pinned their hopes on Ivanka’s moderating influence on her father because she’s a decent human being or something? LOL.

The only way to get the president to care about HIV is to temporarily rename the virus ‘Donald Trump’.

Have you ever wondered what anarchists will admit in private but never publically repeat?

Hail Satan.

Your monthly reminder from The Intercept to wet yourself in fear:

Indeed we should be prepared for security shocks to be exploited as excuses to increase the rounding up and incarceration of large numbers of people from the communities this administration is already targeting: Latino immigrants, Muslims, Black Lives Matter organizers, climate activists, investigative journalists. It’s all possible. And in the name of freeing the hands of law enforcement to fight terrorism, Attorney General Jeff Sessions would have the excuse he’d been looking for to do away with federal oversight of state and local police, especially those that have been accused of systemic racial abuses.

And there is no doubt that the president would seize on any domestic terrorist attack to blame the courts. He made this perfectly clear when he tweeted, after his first travel ban was struck down: “Just cannot believe a judge would put our country in such peril. If something happens blame him and court system.” And on the night of the London Bridge attack, he went even further, tweeting: “We need the courts to give us back our rights. We need the Travel Ban as an extra level of safety!” In a context of public hysteria and recrimination that would surely follow an attack in the U.S., the kind of courage we witnessed from the courts in response to Trump’s travel bans might well be in shorter supply.

And now for some news that has nothing to do with America:

An orthodox priest allied with Vladimir Putin has a very special message about beard care. The Kremlin, meanwhile, has been dealing with the first concerted anti-corruption protests in five years.

Tunisia’s national railway has opened an investigation into whether a hungry conductor stopped his train to buy peaches.

China’s supercomputers are still super.

The Macaroon made out well in France’s parliamentary elections, though turnout was lower than the presidential elections now that the spectre of Lady Hitler has been vanquished.

It’s day one hundred and fifty-one in Donald Trump’s America…

Ten Fun Facts: Ivanka Trump Edition

You’ve heard of Ivanka Trump, the president’s fashion-forward daughter/adviser/babysitter. But how much do you really know about the apple of her powerful father’s eye?

1. The combination of Ivanka and her husband Jared Kushner gives new definition to the term “power couple”. If you want access to power, you go through them, unless you’re looking for the kind of power that provides electricity to your home, in which case you should get in touch with your local utilities provider.

2. Since she doesn’t know the meaning to the word ‘complicit’, there’s no way she’s responsible for enabling any of The Donald’s actions. It’s like how you’re not breaking the speed limit if you didn’t see any posted signage telling you not to drive your BMW 110 miles per hour through a school zone. And anyway, if a cop pulls you over, it’s not that hard to pay off a speeding ticket. What do they cost, like, $50,000? Chump change.

3. Ivanka is beloved by women all over the world. Especially in China, where she is worshiped like a goddess. “What Would Ivanka Do?” is the guiding principle of many young people’s lives.

4. Trump is attuned to the needs of her worshipers. She’s teaching her demigod children Mandarin Chinese, so when the president eventually invades China and installs his family as its theocratic rulers, the kids will have a leg up.

5. Future president Chelsea Clinton and Ivanka have been great friends for a long time. There was some concern about the strength of their relationship during that election thing, but it will take more than the fate of an entire country to tear these politically and financially elite pals apart.

6. In her new security-cleared role as presidential adviser, the First Daughter is occupying the office usually reserved for the First Lady. We swear, there’s no deeply unsettling psychological significance to this. Or this. Or for that matter, this.

7. Ivanka and Jared are not popular with their new D.C. neighbors. Among their complaints: they don’t pick up their trash in a timely manner. Scandalous!

8. Ivanka is probably the only person standing in the way of the world and an even more terrible version of Donald Trump. Try not to dwell on that for too long.

9. Whatever your political orientation, we can all agree she really, really understands human suffering.

“I remember once, my father and I were walking down 5th Avenue, and there was a homeless person sitting right outside of Trump Tower. And I think I was probably nine, ten something like this, it was right around the time as the divorce. And I remember my father pointing to him and saying ‘That guy has $8 billion more than me.’ Because he was in such extreme debt at that point. And me thinking ‘What are you talking about?’ He was sitting outside of Trump Tower, and I didn’t understand. I just thought about it a year or two ago and thought it interesting. It makes me all the more proud of my parents that they got through that.”

10. Sorry, Tiffany, Eric, Donald Jr. and Barron: you’ll never be the most popular Trump child.