EXCLUSIVE: Intercepted Phone Call Between Ivanka Trump And Donald Trump Jr. [Transcript]

Unless we’re hopelessly clueless about how laws work, collusion with a hostile foreign government is not a good look for Donald Trump Jr.

It can only get worse for him. The following phone call between Ivanka and Donald Jr. was intercepted this morning by operatives of an intelligence agency that prefers to remain nameless. These kindly spooks passed the transcript along to Rise Of The Lizard People along with what appears to be a child’s drawing of a happy family with Godzilla in the background. That was probably passed along by mistake, but we’re comforted to know even spies have fulfilling lives outside the office.

[INTERCEPT 71117/0807EST]
[Call by #<redacted> to #<redacted>]

Donald Trump, Jr.: Hello?

Ivanka Trump: You stupid asshole, you actually left email evidence of your interest in a federal crime? Are you trying to destroy this family on purpose?

Donald Jr.: Good morning to you too, sister. Don’t get started with your holier-than-thou routine. I’ve lawyered up. He’s a rock star of the legal world.

Ivanka: No, he’s a MOB LAWYER. For MOBSTERS.

Donald Jr.: But…

Ivanka: What are you not getting, fuckwit? This is bad. You mentioned Jared and– Mommy’s on the phone! Are we done with our mandarin lessons? No we aren’t! We don’t get to eat breakfast unless we can ask for it in mandarin! Sorry. Except not sorry, because you’re a moron. The New York Times is fucking us and it’s all your fault.

Donald Jr.: Now wait a minute–

Ivanka: Did I say you could talk? You might as well have emailed “YES HELLO RUSSIAN SPIES I AM VERY EXCITED TO BE WORKING WITH OVERLORD PUTIN. MY FATHER DONALD TRUMP AND I LOVE THE MANY ILLEGAL AND TREASONOUS THINGS WE WILL BE DOING. ALSO I WILL MENTION IVANKA’S BEAUTIFUL HUSBAND IS ATTENDING THE MEETING TO MAKE HER LIFE MORE DIFFICULT.” The best thing you can do now is shut up and hunker down — wait, why is CNN saying you made the emails publicly available?

Donald Jr.: Because you wouldn’t stop laying into me. You should know I’m not to be trifled with. Hope Jared enjoys the renewed public scrutiny!

Ivanka: You’re a waste of flesh. This is why I’m daddy’s favorite. I hope you rot in prison – and not a fancy penitentiary. One with poor people! You won’t even be allowed to slick your hair…

Donald Jr.: Enough! I’m not going to take your abuse. First of all, princess, fuck y–


(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Seventy-Three)

Ten Fun Facts: Jared Kushner Edition

You’ve heard of Mr. Ivanka Trump, the unpaid White House senior adviser and nepotism beneficiary who always has a seat at our mercurial president’s table. But how much do you really know about the nation’s… umm… he does something with IT… and “job creation”… and making peace in the Middle East, which in reality means backing Israel’s one-state solution? Let’s try that again. How much do you really know about Donald Trump’s son-in-law?

1. Jared Kushner comes from money. A lot of money. After his father Charles was sent to prison in 2005 for tax evasion, witness tampering and making false statements to the FEC, Jared took over as CEO of Kushner Companies. In 2007, he acquired 666 Park Avenue for 1.8 billion dollars. We don’t place much stock in numerology, but

2. If Jared ever dreamed of running the country behind the scenes, he lucked out when he married Ivanka Trump. Cabinet secretaries have taken to approaching Kushner before they broach an idea with The Donald because they know the president will only come to him for advice anyway.

3. Some have suggested Jared is the “shadow Secretary of State”, even though he had no foreign policy experience previous to his current job. He’s certainly important enough to be included in a secret meeting with the Russian envoy.

4. Jared Kushner and Steve Bannon are either besties or worst enemies, depending on who you ask. If you split the difference, they’re frenemies.

5. Jared and Ivanka had to directly intervene with Donald to put the kibosh on an executive order that would have repealed LGBTIQ workplace protections. That’s mad decent of them, but disturbing that they were the only people standing in the way of the religious right’s regressive agenda.

6. Kushner is nominally a Democrat, though he appears to be unbothered by most of his father-in-law’s politics. During campaign season and especially following Trump’s election, he lost a notable number of Democratic friends. He compared the process to exfoliation. Here’s a man who’s on top of his skin care regimen.

7. Such beautiful, youthful skin. Shiny but not greasy. Smooth. Kissable.

8. Has Jared ever even had a pimple? He’s got a face like a Ken doll and eyes like an angel. My mother tells me he’s a nice Ordothox Jewish boy. And did I mention he’s loaded?

9. Research has found that physically attractive people are more successful in life.

10. Ivanka had better keep J Kush on lockdown or someone’s going to steal her man. Just sayin’.

(Year Zero/Day Forty-Two)