In Which The President Undermines His Own Country’s Legal System

It’s one thing for a sitting president to acknowledge that American legal system is flawed, as Barack Obama did during his tenure in the White House. With that acknowledgement, there’s an expectation that the president and Congress make attempts to improve policing, the court system and prisons. Barack Obama’s actions to that end may have been a dint in the carceral state, but it was well within how most people would expect the man in charge to behave.

And then there’s this.

[Trump] added: “We need quick justice and we need strong justice — much quicker and much stronger than we have right now. Because what we have right now is a joke and it’s a laughingstock. And no wonder so much of this stuff takes place.”

Where was Jeff Sessions, Top Cop in all the land?

Attorney General Jeff Sessions, the head of the so-called ‘laughing stock’ justice system, was in the room for this comment — sitting across from Trump.

Reports are unclear as to whether steam shot comically out of the Keebler Klansman’s ears.

(Year Zero/Day Two Hundred and Eighty-Six)

Would He Lie To You?

No. A man of Jeff Sessions’ honor would never lie under oath to Congress. Only a naif or a fraudster would impugn… wait a gol-darn minute, what’s this?

Sessions testified under oath on Tuesday that he did not believe he had any contacts with lobbyists working for Russian interests over the course of Trump’s campaign. But Richard Burt, a former ambassador to Germany during the Reagan administration, who has represented Russian interests in Washington, told the Guardian that he could confirm previous media reports that stated he had contacts with Sessions at the time.

“I did attend two dinners with groups of former Republican foreign policy officials and Senator Sessions,” Burt said.

If Sessions’ integrity is on an unstable foundation, what hope is there for the rest of the administration?

Best of Sessions

“Suggesting ah had anything to do with the conspiracy that ultimately made me Attorney General is a detestable lie!”

“This is a secret inuendo being leaked out there by me…”



“Ah will de-fend mah honor!”

“Ah decline to comment…”

“Ah don’t understand your question.”

“Ah decline to engage in hypotheticals…”

“Ah decline to answer any relevant questions…”

“Ah am claiming executive privilege? For Trump, preemptively? Ah guess? Will that fly?”

“Ah don’t understand this question either. Can you repeat that?”

“Ah don’t recall enjoying James Bond films.”

“Ah don’t need to be rushed so fast, it makes me nervous!”

The Sad Saga Of The Keebler Klansman

Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III should be having the time of his life right now. Instead, he’s locked the bathroom door and is hugging himself, rocking slowly back and forth in the shower. “Nobody loves me,” he sobs as water runs over him.

There’s never been a better time in the last 50 years to be a good ol’ boy like J.B.3 in Washington, yet the AG is miserable. So what happened?

It seemed like an ideal setup. Jeff was born in a swamp, and his BFF is the human embodiment of same. When his pal got a promotion and asked him to be America’s #1 lawman, Jeffy felt like a kid on Christmas, he really did. But it all went sideways fast.

First he had to recuse himself over a meeting or three that were hardly worth mentioning. This made his friend very, very upset. Hurtful things were said, and Sessions felt like he’d messed up things real bad. He tried to make up for it by giving his friend a special gift, but that backfired too. There was more yelling. He offered to resign, not that he was taken up on the offer.

That gift, it turned out, keeps on giving. Now folks are saying he may be hiding more secrets. Everyone ignores eye contact in hallways and conversation dies when he gets on the elevator. When the talking heads on the teevee deign to discuss him, they make a faces like they’re smelling a rotten egg. His friend doesn’t invite him out to lunch at his golf resort any more. Jeff feels like such a loser.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, he sighs as he turns off the shower. He’s still wearing his suit and tie. He doesn’t bother grabbing a towel. It’s a stunning turn of events for the elfin creature who has come so far since he emerged from the mosquito-choked fen. You the reader may feel only scorn from your safe remove, but Jeff? Jeff feels… whatever the American word for ennui is.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Forty-One)

Questions We Have About That Whole Jeff Sessions Situation

Is the Attorney General supposed to be the one enforcing the law or breaking it? Did Jeff skip “Senator Orientation Day” back in the 1990s, where it was explained that perjuring yourself before Congress is a really big deal? Does the Honorable Mr. Sessions hold himself to the same standard he held Bill Clinton to during the Lewinsky scandal?

What did Sessions and Ambassador Sergey Kislyak discuss during these covered up meetings? Is the Deep State holding on to any recordings of them in case the AG refuses to budge? Are there any plans to recuse himself from the Russia investigation, as Republicans are asking him to do? What about resigning, as Democrats are demanding he do?

Does Sessions have anything else he’s hiding? Perhaps a t-shirt that reads in Cyrillic “I love Mother Russia, down with America from the inside like that Frank Sinatra movie”? A nesting doll with Krokodil at its center? A notebook he’s left unguarded in his office at the DoJ he’s labeled “Evil Plan” in careful, easy-to-read handwriting?

How pissed is Donald Trump right now? And if he is pissed, is it a) because of the substance of the deed b) because he got caught or c) because this distracts from the good press he was finally getting?

Where does this leave us? Is the Deep State winning? If they are, are you ready for a crypocracy?