Ten Fun Facts: Marc Kasowitz Edition

This guy, this fucking guy, who does he think he is? He’s Donald Trump’s personal lawyer and he’s probably okay with cold-cocking women, children, puppies and camels… but how much do you really know about Marc Kasowitz?

1. Marc Kasowitz is under considerable strain right now. He’s been given a lot of important tasks in the past, like successfully pressuring the Jane Doe who accused Trump of raping her when she was 13 to drop her lawsuit days before the 2016 election – but this is different. He’s supposed to keep his friend in power and out of jail? That’s a lot to ask. Pressure builds. All the tension has to go somewhere. Sometimes he vents.

In the Wednesday night tirade, Kasowitz first responded to the man, saying: “F— you.”

Fifteen minutes of later, Kasowitz added a second barrage: “How dare you send me an email like that. I’m on you now. You are f— with me now. Let’s see who you are. Watch your back, bitch.”

In the exchange, which was first reported Thursday by ProPublica, Kasowitz appeared to threaten the man, saying, “I already know where you live, I’m on you… You will see me. I promise.”

The still-unidentified man at one point offered the retort: “Thank you for the kind reply.” Though he did forward the threats to the FBI.

2. Marc Kasowitz probably does know where you live. He represents the president and several other individuals with close ties to Vladimir Putin, so don’t fuck with him. Don’t think he’s joking. He doesn’t joke, shitheel.

3. Don’t tell anyone, but it was Marc who told Donnie to fire U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara. “This guy is going to get you” he’d advised, and when there was little reaction to Bharara’s firing from the chattering class, he celebrated with a scotch on the rocks.

4. Last month the rumor mill had it that he couldn’t get security clearance at the White House and was on the chopping block due to a little drinking problem. Utter horseshit. He and The Donald go way back, they’ve been through thick and thin, and no two-bit prick was going to piss all over his life like a Ruskie escort. It was a situation that needed finesse, is all, so he hired a PR flack who described himself as a mob fixer in his official bio to prop up his image. He celebrated with 8 scotches, neat.

5. Marc publicly apologizes for his tirade. What he wants to say is “I’m sorry I let such a worseless nothing get under my skin. I hope my PR guy helps him find a stylish pair of concrete shoes,” but he holds his tongue. He congratulates himself on his restraint with a four-pack of B&J.

6. One of the associates at his law firm jests that Kasowitz has an anger problem. Marc responds in good humor by throwing a telephone through his office window.

7. Marc’s teleconference with the president isn’t going well. News has emerged that at least eight people attended Junior’s infamous meeting, including a former KGB agent. Shit.

8. He had a bottle of Russian vodka in his office at Kasowitz Benson Torres, but it appears to have gone missing. He supposes he’ll have to make a beeline for the nearest bar.

9. Someone must have pilfered all the top shelf liquor in his house. No matter, it’s time to get creative. He celebrates his ingenuity by guzzling a full bottle of Listerine.

10. Who do you think you are, judging him that way. Yer just a nobody. A nobody! You wanna fight him about it? He’d like to see you try!

Or are you chicken?

That’s right, run away, punk. Run back to your shit job that doesn’t place to weight of the world on your shoulders. Yer not a reaaal man. Or woman. Whatever. It’s hard to see straight. Cocksucker.

Marc feels… dizzy. And a little pukey. Make that a lot pukey. Oh no, here it comes…

(Year Zero/Day One-Hundred and Seventy-Six)