Ten Fun Facts: Obstruction Of Justice Edition

You’ve heard the legal-sounding term “obstruction of justice” bandied about frequently these last few months, but how much do you really know about justice obstructions? Are they anything like bowel obstructions?

1. There’s no such thing as justice. The FBI and DOJ’s reputations are in tatters – worst in history!, hijacked by pro-Clinton and Obama goons. The only way to make things right is to put the president in charge of who gets arrested and summarily deposited into his oubliettes.

2. Speaking of the president, his very nature precludes obstructing justice. It doesn’t matter what actions he takes – they’re all legal and correct. If Donald Trump wants to fire Robert Mueller, shut down the Russia investigation and send all the hacks who’ve been trying to ruin his good name to Guantanamo, that’s his prerogative.

3. President Trump’s lawyers can’t stress that last point enough. Trump’s authority is derived from the will of The People, who yearned for the steely leadership of a strongman. His power is an expression of America’s need for authority. He is the literal embodiment of the state. To challenge the president is to commit treason.

4. Further, they would like to point out the president’s powers extend to the definition of reality itself. If the president insists the leaked Access Hollywood tapes describing his cavalier attitude towards sexually assaulting women was fabricated, it doesn’t matter what people have heard, or what Billy Bush and 2016 candidate Trump admitted. The tape undermines president Trump; president Trump is the state; the state is truth; therefore, the tape is untrue. If he says the human body runs on a battery and exercising is pointless, well, it’s time to rejigger those presidential fitness awards.

5. Were the president to tweet that he threw a man out of a helicopter, there is no room for uncertainty in your reaction. It is now a fact, and he sent that man to his death because it was the right thing to do.

6. When He proclaims Mueller is leading a witch hunt against him, all material facts conform to his proclamation. Donald Trump’s word is made flesh by a power you cannot imagine bond.

7. To accept His truth is to Make America Great Again.

8. If you really didn’t want Trump to be your president, you would have found a way to stop Him. But you didn’t, did you? This witch hunt is the last gasp of those too weak —the liberals, the illegals, The un-white, the un-straight — to take the county by force. They don’t matter. They’re being taken care of. Forget about them.

9. Obstruction is not a word worth using. If the FBI and the DOJ think there is, they have been misled by Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, the real criminals. Can you trust the man who forged his birth certificate to steal the presidency or the woman who murdered Vince Foster in cold blood? His lawyers think not. Any law that contravenes His will is no law at all.

10. There is no obstruction of justice. “Obstruction” is no longer a word. There never was a law, or even a set of behaviors, that could be described by the un-word “obstruction” or any similar existing word. Donald Trump can not break the law. That would be like breaking Himself.

11. All facts are fun under Donald Trump.

(Year Zero/Day Three Hundred and Nineteen)