Paul Ryan And The Power Of Prayer

The saintly and muscular Paul Ryan is being publicly castigated for comments he made about the latest in a long line of double and triple digit gun massacres.

“It’s disappointing. It’s sad, and this is what you’ll get from the far secular left. People who do not have faith, don’t understand faith, I guess I’d have to say,” Ryan told Fox News’s Laura Ingraham on “The Ingraham Angle” when asked about the criticism.

“And it is the right thing to do, is to pray in moments like this because you know what? Prayer works.”

The vitriol directed at Speaker Ryan isn’t only meanspirited, it’s just plain wrong. Prayer works, whatever the secular left would like to think.

Allow me to explain.

After every mass shooting committed in the United States (so, every night), I offer this prayer to the almighty Jehovah:

God, hear my prayer. Please protect the second amendment from the camulnious demon Gun Control. Continue to ensure the CDC does not produce research on this devil, lest it corrupt innocent Americans beyond all saving.

Fill the hearts of Republican politicians with your benovolent light, so that they may continue to be steeled against the temptation to learn anything from Sandy Hook, Orlando and Las Vegas, or take any action that would prevent victims of mass shootings from being sent to heaven at the predestined time and place. Shield your righteous servant Wayne LaPierre from ironically being shot to death by a deranged, abusive white man. Please keep gun purchase loopholes open, red flags ignored, and NRA donations flowing.

Oh Father, hear my prayer and maintain America’s status quo. Amen.

Not even the most militant atheist can deny my prayer has been resoundingly answered.

(Year Zero/Day Two Hundred and Ninety-Two)

The Apex Of Political Criticism

The time has come to talk about Paul Ryan’s penis. Not because we want to, but because Steve Bannon does.

Bannon reportedly called House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) “a limp-dick motherfucker who was born in a petri dish at the Heritage Foundation,” referring to the think tank whose fiscal conservative policies the representative espouses.

Obviously Ryan is a lab experiment gone wrong, but what does his tumescence have to do with anything? Why can’t Paul Ryan be a degenerate creep who sees Ayn Rand’s face when he closes his eyes and still be able to maintain erections?

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Eighty)

A Mounting Problem

When watching establishment Republicans forced to admit Donald Trump’s claim that Barack Obama wiretapped him was a fabrication, one gets the feeling that they really wish Mike Pence could be president already.

Donald’s claim, so prima facie ridiculous even Edward Snowden thought it was made up, unnecessarily wastes the political capital Republicans need to push through vital reforms like destroying the health care system and unburdening the rich from their taxes.Their positions, while reprehensible, are standard Republican fare, and goddamnit Trump is ruining their chances with his paranoid fantasies.

If Trump could just be ousted, replacing him with Pence would be a more than satisfactory solution for the establishmentarians. In their eyes, the crisis will have passed. But among the Trump faithful a “stab-in-the-back” narrative will immediately supplant their previous triumphal glory. He went to D.C. to drain the swamp, they’ll say, but instead his eviscerated corpse was found floating in it. Remember how concerned people were about what the frothing crowds of Trump fans would do if their candidate lost? How do you think the movement will react after they’ve tasted victory?

Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell are certainly aware of this dilemma. So they wait in the wings, hoping this crisis or that crisis will eventually ruin Trump, and gritting their teeth as each day the party goes a little more off course.

(Year Zero/Day Fifty-Six)

All We Have To Do Now / Is Take These Lies And Make Them True Somehow

What is freedom?

For a word used so frequently in our civic discourse, its meaning is nebulous and contextually dependent on the person using it. From theologians and kings to revolutionaries and peasants, everyone has something to say on the matter. In 1990, philosopher George Michael made the groundbreaking individualist argument that freedom can only be achieved by recognizing that I don’t belong to you, nor you to me.

Michael’s dancable paean must have resonated deep in Speaker of the House Paul Ryan’s heart, because he too operates on the assumption that none of us belong to each other. Instead, we are individuals with wants and needs, and nothing should get in the way of our self-expression. Not social bonds, not divisive leftist rhetoric, and especially not safety nets.

He may want to gut Obamacare without a workable replacement, but you can trust Speaker Ryan will do the right thing with your health care. None one can dispute that the Congressman is health-conscious.

(Year Zero/Day Thirty-Four)