You’ve seen him lampooned on Saturday Night Live and presumably know that ExxonMobil is a company that provides your car with leaded and unleaded gasoline. But how much do you really know about our newest Secretary of State?
1. You should feel sorry for Rex Tillerson. Here’s someone who’s less than ideal for the position of Secretary of State in any number of ways, and yet! he seems to want to actually run the State Department conventionally. But he can’t seem to find quality staff and his boss isn’t paying much attention to him. How is he supposed to slap a happy face on our country’s aggressive bullying of the international community?
2. Rex is married to Renda St. Clair, if indeed anyone with that name actually exists. Rumor has it that a rare condition causes his skin to smell exactly like crude oil, nauseating almost anyone who gets within 10 feet of the man. It’s whispered that Rex pays a professional actress to appear with him in public.
3. The chattering classes are always picking on poor Rex about his status as an inductee into the Order of Friendship. Just because he’s in a super best friends club with this guy
doesn’t mean they have any right to hurt his feelings. Nobody understands the deep emotional bond they share — except Vlad.
4. Despite his name, Rex is not a Latin king, or a member of the Latin Kings. He’s king of nothing at all, a source of endless shame.
5. Rex Tillerson’s net worth is only $330 million.. Compared to the wealth of some of the other cabinet secretaries, that’s just – as president Trump would say – “SAD”.
6. Rex is always having to clean up other people’s messes. Just when he thinks he’s done, he gets a page for a cleanup in aisle Mexico. You should hear his heavy sighs. They shake the walls.
7. If Rex Tillerson were any Hollywood celebrity, living or dead, he would be Rodney Dangerfield.
8. The Los Angeles Times described Tillerson’s tenure as Chairman and CEO of ExxonMobil as an “essential failure.” He gets no respect!
9. Because he has the worst luck, Rex backed Comrade Jeb in the 2016 GOP presidential primaries. We all know how that turned out…
10. During his rare moments of downtime, Rex is one of three administrators for a message board where enthusiasts share fan fiction about the tumultuous inner lives of the characters in Pixar’s Cars franchise. 2017 is shaping up to be a banner year for them, as Cars 3 is scheduled for nationwide release on June 16th. Rex wrote John Lasseter from his official State Department email address asking for an advance copy of the animated feature, but has not received any response as of the publication of this article.
(Year Zero/Day Thirty-Six)