In Like Flynn

Are we supposed to greet news of Gen. Michael Flynn’s flip with rapture? And a flip it is,

as WTFJHP succinctly summarized:

Flynn promised “full cooperation” with Mueller’s investigation and is prepared to testify that Trump directed him to make contact with the Russians.

Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller has a sterling reputation, and he’s no stranger to organized crime cases (See how he flipped Sammy “The Bull” Gravano over at Hive). There are those who met the latest twist in the Russiagate saga with relief. Soon it will all be over. I think not.

It’s not not Mueller’s skills I question, it’s the assumption that Trump can be taken down through cut and dry legal means. This would only work in a fantasy United States where democratic norms are still adhered to.

Since he inflicted L’affaire Comey on himself, the president has entertained firing Mueller, pressured members of his own party to cut Congressional investigations into his campaign’s collusion with Russia, and floated the potential pardon of guilty parties, perhaps even himself. His political understanding goes as far as yearning for pure authoritarianism. He has the power to stoke the lizard brains of his (fascism-craving, white rage-filled) followers into a frenzy. Does that sound like the kind of politician who plans to go quietly?

(Year Zero/Day Three Hundred and Sixteen)

EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Private Message From The President To Special Councel Mueller

Surreptitiously leaked to Rise Of The Lizard People this morning by our own version of Deep Throat, the following is a private message sent to Special Counsel Robert Mueller by the Office of the President of the United States following the indictments of Paul Manafort, Rick Gates and George Papadopoulos. We’ve confirmed its veracity through the usual method of haruspicy, and can now confidently enter its unabridged contents into the public record.

To Special Investigator Robert Mueller
From The Office of the President
October 30, 2017

Re: Wiping the floor with you

Ty Cobb begged me to stop sending you these little letters once their existence became public, but you know what? Fuck him. And more importantly, fuck you, Bob.

I’m going to stick my boot so far up your ass you’ll need a colostomy bag for the rest of your life. You think the law is on your side? The president is above the law.

No one cares about your investigation. It’s tired. It’s played out. My fans have about as much interest in it as they have in my tax returns. The only “conspiracy against the United States” is the one you’re in with Crooked Hillary.

Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to wind down your investigation. You’ve got nothing on me. Nothing worth taking a long swim in the Atlantic with specially fitted shoes. Or maybe you’d like a tour of rural Kentucky? I know some very fine people who told me about a very isolated place they use for target practice.

You’ll leave the two things I care about most in this world alone: my money and me. Oh, and my family. Make that three things.

But I’m just joking. I’m a funny guy. Ha ha! See? I’m laughing. Because I’m not afraid to fire you. It’s what I’m know for. How would you like to be charged with a little conspiracy of your own? Are you really willing to risk your reputation over this?

Look, I’m not a bad guy. Maybe I’ll go easy on you if you quit now and join a certain exclusive Florida resort. Your choice, Bob. Think on it.

P.S. Good luck finding the orb, asshole.

Dictated but not read,

Donald J. Trump
45th President of the United States and owner of Mar a Lago Resort

(Year Zero/Day Two Hundred and Eighty-Four)


I can’t think of a better candidate for flipping to Robert Mueller than Reince Priebus. Here’s a political functionary that never fit into the White House, was demeaned by his boss with nicknames like “Reincey”, forced to carry Trump’s brackish water and, after months of humiliating reports of his immanent demise, was given the ax to make way for John Kelly.

Priebus might have an ax of his own to grind.

(Year Zero/Day Two Hundred and Seventy)

Who Investigates The Investigators?

Or, that’s a nice team you’ve got there, Bob – it would be a shame if something happened to them;

Or, keep away from my shady dealings, I’m the goddamn president;

Or, another day, another startling thing;

Or, hopefully Trump’s dirty tricks team has a cool name like the Ratfuckers.

(Year Zero/Day One Hundred and Eighty-Two)