Meet Stephen Miller, The Literal Demon Who Feasts On Human Suffering

If you’re a longtime Rise of the Lizard People reader, you’ve memorized last year’s Ten Fun Facts about Stephen Miller, translated our article in Italian, staged a three-hour opera based on that article that casts Miller as a Scarpia-esque villain, and are currently enjoying limited success on a tour through Poland.

But for those of you who aren’t lamenting your over-extended ambition as you weep into your Żywiec in a dimly-lit public house, news about Steve’s role in shaping the execrable policy that separated asylum-seeking families and caged children may be your first introduction to Miller. While the policy in question has been done away with (for now [sort of {not really?}]), getting to know more about the president’s Senior Adviser behooves us all. Thanks to the renewed media focus on him, certain new facts have come to light.

Stephen Miller is a literal demon who feasts on human suffering. Miller welcomed the public outrage to the administration’s inhumane, immoral “zero-tolerance” policy. Not only that, but it sustains him.

White House senior policy adviser Stephen Miller has all but become the face of the issue, a development that even supporters of Trump’s “zero-tolerance” position say is damaging the White House. “Stephen actually enjoys seeing those pictures at the border,” an outside White House adviser said. “He’s a twisted guy, the way he was raised and picked on. There’s always been a way he’s gone about this. He’s Waffen-SS.”

He’s an immigrant. Little is publicly known about his origins, but a reliable source informs us that the Miller clan first stepped hoof in our dimension 1,500 years ago during the Conjunction of the Spheres. Who knew someone with such a virulent dislike of outsiders wouldn’t originally be from “around here” himself?!

He needs to be stopped before he can strike again. While calling him a fascist at a Mexican restaurant may DESTROY him in the clickbatey headline sense, in every other sense he’ll be extremely alive. He is a predator by nature, and unless a brave soul steps in to slay him, he will continue to terrorize the countryside.

He can be slain with a silver sword. Simply possessing a silver sword will not be enough; only one who has been trained to fight monsters can reasonably be expected to take on – and dispatch – the beast.

You’ll need to send for a specialist. A Hexer from the School of the Wolf was recently spotted taking down a drowner in the swamplands outside the capital. For one hundred Nilfgaardian florens, this professional will gladly accept your contract and rid the world of the infernal menace.

The Gathering Storm, The “White Bloc”, And More

China wants the United States and North Korea to cut the crap.

In comments carried by China’s official Xinhua news agency, Foreign Minister Wang Yi said “storm clouds” were gathering … “The United States and South Korea and North Korea are engaging in tit for tat, with swords drawn and bows bent,” Wang said at a news conference after a meeting with visiting French Foreign Minister Jean-Marc Ayrault, Xinhua reported. “We urge all parties to refrain from inflammatory or threatening statements or deeds to prevent irreversible damage to the situation on the Korean Peninsula.”

If they allow war to break out on the peninsula, they must bear the historical responsibility and “pay the corresponding price,” Wang warned. In the event of war, “multiple parties will lose, and no one will win,” he said.

Richard Spencer is calling for like-minded racists to organize to fight the black bloc and other antifascist movements. He wants to call it the white bloc.

Obama-era student loan protections have been thrown out the window by DeVos’ Education Department.

His desire to sit at the popular table has turned Stephen Miller into Steve Bannon’s Brutus.

The NYPD reports that general crime is at an all-time low… but incidents of hate crimes are spiking.

If you haven’t read Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower and Parable of the Talents, this particular moment in history is a good time to start.

Butler seemed to be on the minds of many on November 8, 2016, as many watched in horror as conservative forces swept through the US electorate, taking the presidency and maintaining control of the House and Senate, with at least one Supreme Court appointment to follow. President-elect Donald Trump’s slogan, borrowed from Ronald Reagan’s 1980 campaign, mirrored that of ultra-conservative presidential hopeful Christopher Charles Morpeth Donner in Parable of the Sower: “Make America Great Again.” There are other similarities. Donner dismantles the “‘wasteful, pointless, unnecessary’ moon and Mars programs,” and abolishes “‘overly restrictive’ minimum-wage, environmental, and worker protection laws.” He gives increasing power to big business, permitting gross labour-rights violations as long as workers are provided “training and adequate room and board.”

Before you start reading Butler, however, you need to set up a VPN. It will take about 10 minutes.

Hate in the Age of Trump: a photo essay by Johnny Milano.

Unless thousands of incarcerated individuals are conspiring to keep their stories straight without being in direct contact with each other, ICE prisons are turning detainees into slaves. A federal judge recently allowed a lawsuit filed in 2014 to reach class action status.

What about whataboutism?

Praising the president for state violence is not a cycle we want to encourage.

Obamacare hasn’t been repealed, but it was just modified to the detriment of everyday people.

And now for some-things completely different:

Cassette tapes are making a comeback for some reason.

Vice on the ongoing influence of Darlene Conner.

It’s day eighty-five of year zero in Trump’s America…

Ten Fun Facts: Stephen Miller Edition

You’ve probably seen his shuddersome visage on the Sunday shows, but how much do you actually know about White House adviser Stephen Miller?  After extensive research, we can report the following fun facts to you:

  1. Several mortified sources have confirmed the expression captured in the above photo is Stephen Miller’s “O” face.
  2. Miller’s “Greatest Hits 1974-1978” sold over 13 million copies, and in private meetings he has been known to regale other staffers with the 1973 classic “The Joker”.
  3. Stephen Miller is a millennial. Naturally, this means he’s entitled, wants a trophy for participating in the Trump administration, only takes selfies while doing nothing good for society, is a lazy, shallow narcissist and blames Other people for his problems.
  4. Miller told the press he doesn’t think the presidents “national security actions” should be questioned by anyone. Ever. He then did a sick ollie on his board and skated away.
  5. Miller was very popular in high school. Every guy wanted to be him and every girl wanted to sleep with him. There is no credence to the rumor he was once booed off the stage by 4,000 of his fellow students after making inflammatory remarks. They were actually saying “boo-urns”.
  6. He was even more popular in college. During his time at Duke University, Miller accused poet Maya Angelou of “racial paranoia”. If Angelou had any paranoia, people like Miller were probably the reason.
  7. Stephen Miller is one of the men who drafted the “Muslim ban” executive order, and Politico described him as the “behind the scenes architect of the successful effort to kill comprehensive immigration reform in 2014”. But did you know there are other grotesque things Miller has done that we haven’t heard about yet?
  8. Before landing his current appointment, he worked for Senator Jeff Sessions. His job duties included feeding mice to Session’s boa constrictor Spanky, giving the Senator his daily penitential flogging, segregating his snacks by color, luring small children into Sessions’ office so his boss could feast on their blood, and maintaining  Jeff’s Twitter account.
  9. Miller’s hometown of Santa Monica, California is just so proud that a hometown boy has made it big.
  10. But not as proud as his family!

(Year Zero/Day Twenty-Eight)